Thursday, November 28, 2013

Weird feels

This post is actually making me uncomfortable, because I'm awkward about gratitude.  It's not that I'm not thankful for things - I am.  It's just that as a weird defense mechanism type thing, I associate being outwardly grateful for things as a vulnerability or something.  It's like if I admit I'm thankful for something, especially something given to me by others or by God or by the world, etc, I admit that I'm not the only one who can make me happy, which means I'm not in total control, which also means other people can make me sad.  I don't know.  Weird.  I mean, I'm conscious of all this, and in my mind I am actually overwhelmed sometimes by how much gratitude I feel for certain things and certain people, but it's like once I say it out loud, I open up to other people, and that's never been something I'm good at.  Weird feels.  But here goes, because this is necessary and I don't think I convey enough to anyone that I am really thankful for things/people. 

Yesterday someone told me, "You have a lot to be thankful for this year." 

I nodded, but on the inside, I kind of just rolled my eyes. 

In the last year, I moved into an apartment that ended up having extensive water damage and mice.  I lost about $1800 in the process, and ended up sleeping on my friends' couch for a month.  I was stranded in the south for a couple of months, and then I was stressed to the max trying to find a job and an apartment.  Then I found a job and an apartment, but I was all, "Wah, I hate living alone," and, "Wah, this job sucks."  And yes, I hate living alone and the job doesn't make my soul dance, but it hasn't been all bad, and I do have things to be thankful for. 

While the job isn't great and causes a ton of stress and makes my butt hurt because I drive so much and I get called names daily because the position is a part of "Obamacare," it comes with awesome health coverage.  I haven't had health insurance since my second year of high school, which really sucks because I have serious health issues and now I have seven years worth of medical bills hurting my credit.  I'm talking thousands of dollars in debt.  But what has really concerned me was the actual health problems, and because of this job, I can deal with them now.  A couple of years ago, I had an appendectomy and the surgeons saw that I had severe endometriosis.  But because I didn't have insurance, I couldn't get it taken care of.  No medicine, no surgery, not even an appointment with a specialist.  Seeing as endometriosis can cause infertility, this has been pretty distressing.  I may not love my job, but I love that I can go see a doctor now.  I have other health issues, but that's the one that upsets me the most, and without the job I wouldn't have any hope of treatment.  I'm thankful that I do now.

And that new apartment?  It's wonderful.  And in a couple weeks, my roommate will be there and I won't have to hate living alone any more.  There's still a bunch of stuff I need for it, but I mean there's a bed and heaters and that's good.  And it's not in the south.  That too.  I'm grateful for that.

In May, I graduated from college.  That was a shocker for me and I'm pretty sure it shocked most of the people I'm closest to, also.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to school (and I look forward to fighting for free education so no one else has to graduate with $40,000 in loans) and I'm thankful for the people who helped me get through it all.

Over the last few months, I've been going to church and have had nothing but good experiences there.  It's a big, warm, welcoming community, and I'm thankful for that.

I'm grateful for the people who help me out when I need it.  As another defense mechanism type thing, I almost make it difficult for people to help me, but I've been surrounded by people who (metaphorically) slap me upside the head and make me accept help and not be all lame about it.  The other day, I was sick, and I actually called a friend, crying and all, to come help me.  Progress! 

And as someone with a family that isn't really fond of me, I'm super grateful for the people who treat me like family despite not being biological.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. 

So there we have it.  Not well articulated, but those are the things I'm thankful for right now.  Oh, and my pie making ability.  There aren't many things I'm good at, but I can do these type of things wonderfully:



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Charlotte