"I need him to protect me." - Women aren't the ones who should be embarrassed for wanting a man's protection

A few weeks ago I overheard a conversation between two college students.  They were women.  They were talking about a guy one of them liked, and she was giving her reasons.  He’s smart, funny, cute…  and he “comes to walk me back from class whenever I need him to.”

Her friend looked at her and asked, “Need him to?  Why would you need him to?”

“To protect me.”

“Are you kidding?  Real women don’t need a man’s protection.”

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This seems relevant because of the recent surge of #yesallwomen and #notallmen appearing online. 

Most of my friends who are men understand that feminism is a good thing.  They understand that they have an obligation to speak for women and with women because they speak from a place of safety – especially if they’re cis straight white men.  Women are often beaten, raped, groped, or even killed for speaking up against harassment.  (Also for things like demanding equal rights and an end to oppression.)

While women define feminism and play important roles, it’s just a fact that we’re often in danger when doing so.  In a recent conversation I had with a few people online, the issue of catcalling came up.  One of the men insisted that women and men need to play an equal role in combatting this issue (and others).  He also said women should/can “just ignore it.”  His point, it seemed, was that women should either say something to their harassers or learn to ignore it.  (Completely diminishing the severity of the problem.)  

Now, if I’m walking down the street and this happens, I might say something.  It honestly depends on my mood and how many men (I’ll only say something if it’s one man) and how big the man is.  But nine times out of ten, I’m not in the mood to say something back or to stand up for myself.  In reality, that’s the smartest thing for me to do.  It’s just not safe to combat it.  This isn’t me ignoring catcalling.  Sure, I’m not vocally responding.  But that doesn’t mean my heart isn’t racing or that I’m not clenching my keys Wolverine-style so that I can defend myself if the need arises.  It doesn’t mean I’m not scared and wondering if I’ll be able to run fast enough in whatever shoes I happen to be wearing.  And if you’re a man, I’m sorry (not sorry), but yes, you do have a responsibility to say something.  You aren’t in danger the way we are.

During that online conversation, several women tried explaining to the man what it’s like to be a woman.  What it’s like to have to be vigilant just to walk to your car.  The above description I gave of Wolverine-keys and racing hearts was something most, if not all, related to.  He insisted, though, that you can in fact ignore catcalling.  That men, also, can ignore it. 

Knowing how many women are sexually harassed, how many women are beaten, how many women are raped means we cannot ignore it, regardless of what that man says.  Being told from the time we were little that we always should walk in groups of three so that we won’t get attacked means we cannot ignore it.  There’s fear instilled in women from the beginning.  And it’s not our fault that we’re scared (nothing annoys me more than when men refer to this as “playing the victim”).  And we’re not wrong to keep our mouths shut and heads down if we’re catcalled.  Women shouldn’t blame other women for not verbally responding, but men really shouldn’t blame us for not verbally responding.

(It’s worth mentioning that sometimes women respond to catcalling by saying something like, “I’ll just take that as a compliment.”  Men, you also don’t have a right to judge that.  I’ve said it before and some of my friends have said it before, and it was never because we actually felt complimented.  It’s because we’d rather feign flattery than become super anxious and look over our shoulders 42 times to see if we’re being followed/stared at.)

I was in a gender class my senior year of college and the professor asked the men to raise their hands if they’ve ever been sexually harassed at their workplace.  Not one hand went in the air.  She then asked the women, and every single woman raised her hand.

I guess all this is to say, we’re conditioned to be in fear.  We feel it at work, we feel it in school, and we feel it when we’re walking down the street.  And you know what, I do often feel like I need a man with me to protect me.  I can’t count the amount of times I’ve waited to go back to my car until there was a man I know to walk me there.  Obviously, I’m not going to marry a man because I want a big, strong guy to protect me.  But yes, having a man (not romantically, just any man I know and feel comfortable with) with me does make me feel safer.  That doesn’t make me – or any other woman who feels the same way – any less of a woman.  Men shouldn’t tell a woman how she should react to harassment (he should, though, tell other men not to harass), but women shouldn’t judge each other for it, either. 

Women: we shouldn’t be embarrassed about wanting a man to walk us to our cars or our homes.  Men should be embarrassed that women are so at risk that we feel the need to be accompanied everywhere by a man.  Men are the ones who’ve perpetrated crimes against women and men are the ones who have the ability to speak for and with women from a place of safety.   

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Charlotte