Moments 2.0

You might remember the post I wrote back in September that goes by the same name. It's a nice little collection of some funny and happy memories, and whenever I think of them, my mood improves. Hot little trick. 

Well, I promised a second post. I sometimes keep my blog-word. (Procrastination is a problem. Yes.)

1. My pal Liz and I just discussed this, and I cannot stop cracking up. One day in high school I needed a pad. I had my period and I really needed one. Up until that point I'd always been prepared OR I'd ask a friend. I was really embarrassed to ask the nurse, but I did because I had no other options at the moment. So I work up the courage to go ask for a pad. And she says, "Hm, we might have one around here. Let me check." And starts going through drawers and shit. 

And then she pulls out a piece of paper and goes "I can't find a whole pad, but I do have paper. Do you also need a pen?" 

THE F IS THIS? So then I had to overcome even more embarrassment to say, "No, I have my period and I need a pad."

It hilarious now. Less so then. 

When I just told Liz about this, I couldn't stop laughing. (She was like, "BUT DID YOU GET A PAD?" and "Omg I thought you were gonna say she gave you like an open pad.") Ah, friends + funny stories. 

I swear, we don't hate each other. 

2. My friend Joe and I were at Fridays for lunch one day. It was great. We ordered food and chatted. I don't love Fridays, but I do enjoy their appetizers quite a bit. Their flatbreads are especially tasty. So I order a barbecue chicken flatbread. 

He and I are talking for a little while and then the food comes. I'm hungry. I'm almost always hungry. So I just start eating it. We keep talking and having a good time. Then, when I'm like half way through the meal I realize............

There's no chicken on it. 

........or bbq sauce. 

My barbecue chicken flatbread came without bbq sauce or chicken. Oh my God we both got a kick out of that one. And since I had already devoured half of it (um, pepper and cheese bread?), I felt like too much of an idiot to send it back or even say anything to the waitress at that point. Could not stop laughing.

3. I've told this story before in this post, but it's worth repeating because it's sort of my shining moment. 

My friend Dana and I were in Borders (RIP) and were just browsing around. We came across the Greek/Roman section and we saw a collection of Euripides' plays and grabbed it. We had read some of his plays in school, and it was nifty to recognize something in such a fancy ~intellectual~ section of the store. So I'm holding the book and I'm thinking, "Euripides. Euripides. What a dumb name - 'Euripides.' Who names their kids you-rip-a-deeze?" And then I laugh and turn to Dana because I've just had a rare brilliant (I'm normally more humble than this) thought. I look at her and say, in a ridiculous voice, "Hey, Dana - Euripides pages, you buy-a da book!" 

brb peeing myself. 

I love puns and I still can't believe I was clever enough - if only for one brief moment of my life - to come up with that. 

4. When my friend Stephanie, the most determined of us all, decided to make some sort of hair product out of some kind of seeds. And it looked like this:

5. On our way back from Disney, we were followed by a creepy, creepy man. The police ended up putting us in a hotel for the night while keeping an eye out and patrolling the roads. It was terrifying, actually. So we're in the room trying to sleep and we hear a knock on the window (the police specifically told us they'd call before knocking on the door). Everyone was freaked out and I jumped out of bed ready to throw down. My aunt also got out of bed and started walking toward the door. And then my cousin tells us it was my sister. The little effer was on the side of the bed closest to the window and decided it would be funny to scare the crap out of us. 

She was not wrong. It took everything in me not to laugh (didn't want to encourage her because it was a serious situation and the joke was on the borderline of not appropriate). She was yelled at. But every time I think of it now I crack up. I'm so proud every time one of the kids does or says something hilarious. This particular sister is somewhat unsure of herself and just really starting to show her personality, so it took balls to carry this joke out. 

That's all for this time! Good mood? Yes, ma'am. 

__

Charlotte     

Connect those Dots

In October (or maybe late September? I can't even remember...) I needed to spend a few days in the hospital. On the day of my discharge, I noticed these weird dots on my arm. They'd never been there before. I assumed they were probably from getting the tape that had been holding the IV in place ripped off of my arm and ignored it. 

Then a week passed. Then two. Fast forward a few months and I still have these weird dots. My doctor doesn't know what they are. They don't hurt, they don't itch. I don't like them, but they aren't causing a problem, either. I still find it extremely odd, of course. And now and then I'll get paranoid, as I got these while in the hospital. Eek. 

So as I try different creams and debate whether or not I should see a dermatologist, I've also been thinking that maybe, just maybe, these are a sign. Possibly (probably) God telling me that I need to get a particular Harry Potter tattoo. 

Do you see where I'm going? If you love Harry Potter you probably see where I'm going. 

It's not perfect, but look: 

Like I said, not perfect. BUT COME ON. I've been saying I need/want a Harry Potter tattoo for quite some time. Maybe this is just the nudge I needed. 

Time will tell. 

__

Charlotte 

Struggles of Car Ownership

Today, because I have literally no clue what to do with my life at the moment and am very, very bored, I'm going to chronicle my latest adventure of cleaning and washing my car.  WOW are you in for a treat! 

I keep the inside of my car mostly clean.  My policy toward the exterior has basically been something like, "nature will handle it."  It's rained plenty, and each time it totally counts as a washing.  I'm right, you're wrong.  Ahem.  

Get on track, Charlotte. 

Okay so really I think I've washed the car once.  Sometime last year, I believe.  But a few days ago I looked at my car and was astonished because it was a totally different color than it normally is and I decided that I couldn't maintain my laissez faire attitude toward pollen any longer.  "I'm a grown ass woman,"  I reminded myself.  "I need to keep my car clean." 

And so wash I did.  I mean, I didn't do it well.  I tried!  I really did.  But I think it's safe to say I did not miss my calling by not washing cars.  I have actually no clue how professionals get cars so sparkly and wonderful.  But yes, it was washed and beautiful and back to its normal color.  And because it's the second worst (or hey! third best!) season of the year, it looked like this no more than two hours later:

the hood

the windshield

a window

Effing terrific, so glad I just washed you, beautiful car.  Nature: 1 Charlotte: 0

But let's get to the real fun: cleaning the inside of the car.  

I don't know if I'm just a little deficient in the cleaning department (add it to my repertoire of deficiencies, bebe) or if dust in cars is a universal terror but good God I was basically swishing around dirt instead of actually picking it up.  I'm talking here specifically about the dashboard.  Now really, I'm not a Dirty Gerty.  I wave the duster thing across the dash around once a month.  But somehow it always looks dusty!

I busted out the big guns - handy dandy Mr. Clean (if it's all purpose for a house it should also be all purpose for a car, too, right?  Right?!) and gave it an actual scrub and I swear, I'm convinced dust is actually a permanent fixture in the car.  I kid you not, there was a moment when I scrubbed with all my might and upon lifting the washcloth saw lingering dust and I sat back in my seat and wondered if I was a total nutter and it was just the material of the car.  I mean, this is 20-fifteen, baby, there can be a plastic-rug hybrid material!  

Alas, it's just plain old plastic and it has a strong attraction to dust.  It looks better now, but it's still not perfect and I'm learning to gtfover it.  

Moving onward and upward!  Not literally. 

I usually put any garbage I may make in the compartment-thing (fancy. wordsmith.) on the door and that's what I cleaned after swishing around dirt on cleaning the dash.  This whole process should have taken maybe an hour EXCEPT

Some of that garbage in the door is crinkled up receipts.  Which means... I had to come face to face with the realization that I've visited KFC an ungodly amount of times in the last month.  

Answer: Often

So my hour long car-washing process bitterly turned into a much longer process as I had what can only be called an existential crisis.  I pondered consumerism, depression, eating habits, my own happiness, and mortality.  I accepted that the only thing I currently had a grip on was the handle of the stupid Mr. Clean bottle - and not, indeed, on my life.  

But joy cometh in the morning and I recovered, once again committed in my mission of cleaning this damn car.  

Next came the fun, fun middle of the car - you know, with the gears and the cup holders and the completely random lines/cracks that serve no purpose other than hosting dirt. 

No matter how much you try, it's damn near impossible to get the dirt out of all those crevices.  I HATE this and I really need to take my car to a professional one day when I have money because they must have surgeon-level-skilled hands and teeny tiny cleaning tools that allow them to remove all that shit.  Just look that the mirror controller.  WHY does that require so many rectangular houses of dirt?  The buttons needed company or something?  The person who designed this car (and the designers of most cars) clearly did not have cleanliness on the mind.  

Finally, I tackled the bane of my car ownership: the space where dwells the emergency brake. 

HOW DOES ONE CLEAN THAT? 

I've owned other cars.  They do not all have such horrid emergency brake situations.  I do not know who designed this, but I do not like him.  

It's basically impossible to reach the dust in there.  I did try, and totally tried using the washcloth, but when it couldn't fit right, I instead tried using a napkin (likely from KFC) and since the napkin was wet (Mr. Clean), a piece of it tore off, leading to a truly epic episode of paranoia that went something like, 

Oh my God, how do I get it out of there?  

If I can't reach it and I turn the car back on is it going to explode?! 

It's a napkin!  WHAT IF IT CATCHES FIRE? 

Is this space somehow connected to the engine?  Is this going to travel and stop the car from working? 

Who in the fuck designed this?  He should come clean this for me.

But I was able to retrieve the napkin-miscreant and all was well.

I'm smarter than I sound, I swear. 

Tragedy avoided, I sat back and contemplated banning food or anything else that can create a need to clean for .2 seconds, got over myself, buckled up, and started the car.  I laughed for a hot sec when I put the air on and remaining Mr. Clean shot out of the vents all over me.  

I promptly stopped laughing when my eyelashes failed me and some of that shit got in my eye. 

Ah, to be the owner of a car. 

* * *

I don't want to sound like an ungrateful B, so let me just make it clear that I'm so glad I'm able to own this car.

Around a year and a half ago, I suddenly found myself in need of a car.  Which is fine, except I believe my bank account balance was something like $300.  Excellent!  It couldn't really be a knock-around car because my job required between two and four hours of travel a day.  So it really needed to be a safe car.  Well, happenings happened and doings were done and even though I couldn't afford it and I'm still paying someone back for helping me with the deposit, things turned out okay.  It just so happened that the car with the right price and mileage was a green Subaru Impreza Outback.  I've long loved Subaru Outbacks and Foresters, and green is my favorite color, so that was a nice coincidence.  Literally every time I look at my car I feel happy about it.

Within the first couple months of owning it, the car was broken into (nothing was taken - I guess they didn't want my One Direction cd???) and was crashed into by someone who decided against leaving a note.  So that cost a pretty penny to fix.  But I got over it pretty quickly and mostly handled it like a pro.

Welllllllllll, just weeks after my old insurance policy ended and a new one with a fresh (and higher!) deductible started, someone hit into it again!  And declined to leave a note - again!  This has been slightly more stressful for me because while it hasn't affected the function of the car, I don't have the money to fix the dent.  Usually I have such a laid back attitude about scratches and dents - a friend of mine once backed into my car and I just laughed and called him an ahole and told him not to worry about it - a few little dings add character!  But.  But!  I think it's straight up rude to do significant damage to someone's car and just drive away.  That ain't right.  So sometimes when I see the dent it puts me in a pissy mood for about one and a half minutes and then I remember I'm driving a beautiful green Subaru and I try and get over it.    

I'm going to skip right over the part about the brakes needing fixing (brakes?  brake pads??  I don't know, the car makes noises and feels weird when I step on the brake...) and also over the part about the check engine light going on for an O2 sensor.  Totally a minor problem, but a $200 minor problem when you're in the midst of trying to go back to school and request transcripts and SAT scores is something that is kind of hard to stomach.

But - really, I love having the car.  I have a few friends who loathe owning a car.  It does get pricey and maintenance isn't the easiest thing in the world and it needs oil changes and fluids and air filters and omg it's a travelling metal death trap but HEY IT'S A GREEN SUBARU AND I LOVE IT.  

And I've worked pretty hard to stay on top of all the things.  Except for once (right around surgery time), the oil is changed like clock work.  I keep it mostly clean.  It always has a healthy amount of washer fluid and of course, I always keep the radio/cd player happy by only putting the very best of music on - lately the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack, Glee Season 1, Michael Jackson, and a mix cd I made titled "Let Me Clear My Throat" which features a host of goodies from DJ Kool, DMX, and Outkast.  Refined taste.  Oh and I stuck a lovely "Tax the Rich" bumper sticker on it.  Which makes me love it even more, though I wouldn't have thought that possible.

Behold!

  

__

Charlotte 

Silver Linings

In the beginning of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (the book, not the movie), everyone celebrates Harry's birthday.  He wakes up, goes downstairs, and opens a pile of gifts from Bill and Fleur, Hermione, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, the Delacours, and Hagrid.  And then Ginny asks him into her room and they discuss his impending departure to go hunt horcruxes.  Ginny is worried about his safety.  And since it's Harry's birthday, she wants to give him something. 

She says this: "I'd like you to have something to remember me by, you know, if you meet some veela while you're off doing whatever you're doing." 

He tells her he thinks dating opportunities will be slim when he's gone.  

And then Ginny says, "There's the silver lining I've been looking for."  She leans in and kisses him.  

This is really embarrassing but also really hilarious so I'm going to share it. 

When I first read this, I imagined a literal silver lining.  I pictured her looking past Harry, seeing some piece of fabric with a silvery color on her dresser or something, and reaching for it - giving her an excuse to lean in and kiss Harry.  

Judge me.  I'm judging me.  

(My reading comp/writing scores were not that high when I took the SAT.)

But all is well with the world and I've since become familiar with the meaning of "silver lining" the saying, not the literal fucking fabric.

Note to self: When you have kids, read to them every night so they don't end up like you.

    

I'd like to take a second to talk about how kind-hearted I am, sharing that mucho embarrassing story so that others may experience the joy of laughter.  

Ahem.

Moving on.  Silver linings.  Okay. 

Yesterday I shared a post about my plans to go back to school, get a second bachelor's, and get a master's.  

The post went up late at night and I woke up in the morning to a few new messages in my inbox.  Mostly well wishes, friends telling me they like my plan or that they have confidence in me.  Some cautious optimism and words of advice.  Warnings of the amount of work it'll take (accompanied by encouragement! no worries!), etc., etc.  

But I also got a couple of messages from friends expressing surprise/worry over the idea of moving back to Long Island.  And I agree.  This does make me nervous.  I've noticed that when I'm on LI I drive between 10-20 mph more than I usually do.  I have road rage when I'm on LI.  I curse a lot.  

Basically, I am so stressed out when I'm there.  My past is filled with toxic people and I get nervous just knowing I'm in the same vicinity as them.  

But I'm also a grown ass woman now and have a better handle on myself.  I know I can't live with my immediate family.  I can stop by and see my siblings, but I need to know I have somewhere else to go.  My friend's family is letting me stay with them and instead of feeling guilty I'm accepting the offer (IF I move back - still need to contact the college).  

I know my own warning signs.  I've picked up on what habits I fall back to when my mood is going downhill.  And, usually, I know what to do to stop myself.  And I've gotten much better with asking for help.  

And then there's the genuine good things about living on Long Island.  The silver linings alluded to in the title of this post and the embarrassing HP story.  

• Over the last six years, I've seen Olivia, my oldest friend, maybe 15 times.  On LI, I'd see her all the time.  (Brace yourself, Liv.)
• The majority of the people I'm closest to live in New York - some on LI, some in Albany.  Albany may be four hours away, but that's an easy drive.  Currently it's a twelve hour drive... not something I can do on any random weekend.
• The beach!  I haven't been swimming in the ocean in years.  Being able to go to the beach whenever I want will be nice. 
• I'll be close to NYC.  
• The food on LI is better than the food in most other places.  
• I can play tennis with my old friend, Dana.  (This is much better than playing against a brick wall.) 
• I prefer the medical care in NY.  And I already have doctors there. 

Those are the main things that come to mind.  So yes, it might be stressful if I move to LI.  But if I pay attention to myself and take the right steps to avoid certain situations, there's a lot of great stuff there, too.  

__

Charlotte 

If you're kind of a nerd but don't want your kids to have crazy names

In the last month, three different friends and family members have had to think of baby names and because they know I'm insane very fond of it, they asked for my help.  Swoon.

Between those conversations and my newest favorite blog, I'm totally enjoying thinking of names for other people's kids right now.  (Totally my place to do so....ahem)  

Current obsession with name-related things: using the names of fictional characters.  Apparently, Khaleesi is on the rise.  Khaleesi.  Now, if you just love the way Khaleesi sounds, then you go, Glen Coco!  Really, it's no one's business what name anyone else chooses for their darling offspring (in almost every single situation).  

I'm not very into obvious fictional names.  I love Dumbledore, but I can't see myself using his name.  (Even Albus.)  I asked a semi-reasonable friend (we'll call him Joe Smith) this question as well.  He said the craziest he'd ever do is name a son Bruce Wayne Smith.  Not too bad.  

But, in case you don't want to name your son Frodo and risk him being constantly referred to as "Hobbit," (now that I think about it, that's awesome) here are some tamer choices for us lovers of LOTR, HP, GoT, etc.

1. Instead of Khaleesi...

Maybe Katherine, Danielle, Maeve, Regina, or Riegan.  

Liz watches Game of Thrones and I asked her about this one.  One of her suggestions was Katherine, I believe because it's another K name.  But she also told me that Khaleesi isn't the name of the character.  It's Daenerys.  This can easily be "Danny" or "Dani," so maybe using the name Danielle would work if you want to shy away from Khaleesi while still using the character as inspiration.  

Khaleesi, on the other hand, means "queen." (...In a made up language, but you know.) 

So, if you're not on the wild side and don't want to call your baby girl "Khaleesi," one possibility is to to give your bundle a more traditional name with the same meaning.  Regina is a fairly common name and means queen.  According to a quick google search, it's been big since medieval times.  Woot!  

But I get the feeling that parents who even consider the name "Khaleesi" don't want to go the common route.  Fear not!  Apparently Maeve means "she who intoxicates" and in Irish tradition it was the name of a warrior queen.  BAMF.  I don't want to name a child in honor of the GoT character, but if I did, I'd go with this one. 

If we want to get really cool - Riegan means "one who talks to dragons" and is pronounced Rye-gan.  This name is still too out there for my own taste, but I think it's closest to the character without using "Khaleesi."

Another option, which is actually an option for any of these, is to use it as a middle name.  Little Ella Khaleesi.  I'm surprised, but I honestly like how that sounds.

2. Instead of Dobby...

How about Robert?  

I haven't heard of a growing trend of baby boys being called Dobby lately.  I think I've heard it floated as an idea once or twice, and in coming up with this list, I looked at trends and which characters I love but would be hesitant to use as namesakes.  As one of my favorite characters in Harry Potter, I can totally see myself saying, "Let's name him DOBBY!" after giving birth to a boy.  Especially if I'm full of pain meds.  Which I will be when I have kids.  Because nope, don't want a ring of fire.  -I digress.-

So one, two, buckle my shoe, I typed "Dobby name meaning" into my greatest and sagest friend and mentor, Google.  And up popped this thread!  Dobby as a nickname for Robert!  This is brilliant.  I'm tempted to put this on my own list of very far future options.  There's Robby and Bobby... why not Dobby?!  This is awesome.  

I don't think Dobby is a bad name.  I just don't think it's a great first name.  I'm a fan of formal first names.  So throwing "Robert" on the birth certificate but referring to el boy as Dobby sounds reasonable.  

Another option?  Use Dobby as a nickname for any D or B name.  It totally works, and your kid's siblings and friends might be less likely to refer to sweet Dobby as their house elf, as his rrreeeaaalll name is Donald.  Or Robert.  Or Benjamin.  You name it. 

I love Lord of the Rings and all of the characters and my nerdier side would totally just name my kids after them.  But if you are hesitant to name your child so obviously after the books/movies, there are other possibilities! 

3. Instead of Frodo...

Use Sam?  Using the more common names from series is still totally honoring the stories, in my opinion.  I love Aragorn and I love Gandalf.  But I wouldn't name my kids after them, at least not directly.  So what other options? 

Instead of Frodo, use Frodo's closest friend.  Frodo couldn't have made it without Sam.  And Sam is one of the loveliest names ever.  I love the name Sam.  Especially for a boy.  Samuel is great and Sam is great and both can work as a tribute to LOTR.  

Another option is to use names that sound similar to Frodo.  Maybe Frederick?  (Also, if using Frederick, Frodo totally makes sense as a nickname to me!)  Or maybe you're both a LOTR fan and a tennis fan!  You can name your baby Roddick.  Or Roderick.  Frodo shares the consecutive r-o-d with those names so is a reasonable nickname.  

What if you like Aragorn?  I've thought of before this because I love Aragorn probably more than any other character.  

If you strictly want similar sounding names, then Aaron is probably closest.  But, if you are looking for something more symbolic representing the character, what about Arthur, Leopold, or Christopher?

Arthur and Leopold (Leopold is one of my favorite names) are both known as king names in legend and history.  Aragorn is the rightful king, so maybe to still use him as inspiration while naming a baby, using another kingly name would work.  Again, while everyone has their own preferences, my own instinct would be to stay away from something clearly honoring a character.  Arthur and Leopold can still do that while being a little more common.  

Why Christopher?  Well.  I think Aragorn is a Christ-like figure.  (As are Gandalf and Frodo.)  So I think it'd be fitting to use a Christ name (Christian also works) in this situation.  

Or again, if you're hesitant to use a name but really love the character, middle names work!  Plenty of traditional names can go in front of Aragorn and sound just fine.  Joseph Aragorn.  Henry Aragorn.  You get the idea. 

Okay, so no one is really going around naming their baby daughters "Black Widow."  (As far as I know.  There are kids named Pilot Inspektor and Jer Majesty though, so it's not like it's an impossibility...)  But maybe you want to name your kid after one of the Avengers.  

4. Instead of Black Widow... 

Use Natalia/Natasha.  You'll totally name your kid after Black Widow, but your kid won't be mocked.  Naming after the Avengers is pretty easy, though, since most have regular names.  Hawkeye is Clint, Cap is Steve, the Hulk is Bruce, Iron Man is Tony.  And then there's Thor.  Thor is a name that predates the Avengers, so you can get away with using it but... like I said, I wouldn't want to give a name so obvious to my own kid.  If your heart is set on the character but you don't want to name your human child Thor, maybe use another Th name like Thomas (I've even seen Thom before) or Theodore.  Theodore can totally be shortened to Thor as a nickname.  Theodore is on my own list (nutty since I'm single but hey) and I always assumed Teddy as a nickname but now I'm thinking Thor is awesome.  

Your genius plan to name your children after the Avengers might be exposed if you have multiple kids, though.  People will likely catch on if you've got Steve, Natasha, Tony, and Bruce running around.  But that'd be baller, so who cares. 

5. Instead of Albus... 

Use any name that means "wise."  

Albus Dumbledore is one of the most beloved characters of the entire series.  He's got loads of good traits that make him a good source of inspiration.  But if you're not keen on using his name on your bebe, there are other ways to keep him in mind while finding a name. You could go with the more traditional Albert (which has a host of cute nicknames) or find a name with similar sound/meaning.   "Albus" means white and wise.  For a combo sound/meaning, there's Alfred or Aldo.  

According to this, Alfred's got a really cool history!  

"Derived from the Old English Ælfred, a compounding of the elements ælf (elf) and ræd (counsel). Elves were considered to be supernatural beings having special powers of seeing into the future; thus the name took on the meaning "wise counsel."

You know what this means - LOTR lovers can use it too!  

But, on topic.  So yes!  "Wise counsel" is right up Dumbledore's alley.  And Alfred has similar sounds to Albus.  Between those two things, I think Alfred makes a solid, tamer choice for Albus. 

Aldo is another option.  It feels a little more hip to me than Alfred, despite being an old name.  It means "old and wise."   Again, completely fitting for a baby named with Dumbledore in mind.  

Other boy names with similar meaning are Shanahan and Conrad.  Shanahan is Irish and means "the wise one."  Conrad is German and means "brave counsel."  It think both of those sound like characteristics of Dumbledore.  (Could also be used if you're looking to Gandalf for inspiration as well!) 

There are so many more great characters and I think any name - no matter how crazy - can be reined in a bit to reach a less obvious name if that's what you're looking for.  Between similar sounds and shared meanings, any character can give insights to great names.  (Or we could all just name kids after the Weasleys.  Rowling did an excellent job naming them.) 

__

Charlotte 

My Friend and I Were Having a Conversation....

when:

Still cannot stop laughing.

__
Charlotte

Open Letter to Mindy Kaling

Dear Mindy,

I hope this letter finds you well. 

I’m a big fan of both your show and your book.  (Okay, well, the first chapter of your book that I read when my roommate took it out from the library.  It’s on my to-read list, though, I swear.)  I’m writing because I’ve made it my life goal to be on The Mindy Project.  Some might call that a pipe dream, but this is America, where dreams come true.  …At least 5% of the time. 

I think I’ve got something the show hasn’t seen yet: mediocrity.  There’s Mindy, who is super smart and unbelievably well-dressed.  There’s Dr. Reed, who has that accent that just about kills all American women.  Peter with his smolder; Morgan, who is wonderfully weird.  Casey is in tune with God.  And Danny basically is a god.  Even Betsy is exceptional in the field of optimism.

Everybody’s got something, whether it’s a strength or just a stand-out characteristic.  We haven’t seen someone who isn’t special. 

I can be that someone.  I’m terrifically ordinary.  Really average. 

I didn't actually see this movie.  Regular people don't watch Academy Award winners.

Let me give you some examples.

My usual outfit is boot cut jeans and some sort of plain shirt.  Boot cut jeans.  If that’s not “regular,” I don’t know what is. I watched that Dennis Quaid movie, Yours, Mine, and Ours, and actually enjoyed it.  This wasn’t when I was a kid.  This was yesterday.  So average!  So boring!  Admittedly, I did graduate college.  I guess that could be considered great, but I didn’t do so with a 4.0 gpa.  Oh no siree.   I wore that gown proudly as I looked at my 2.4 gpa. 2.4.  I’m not certain, because, of course, I’m not exceptional at math and statistics, but I think a 2.4 might even be below average.  I don’t have any one hobby that stirs my soul.  I’m that person that does a million hobbies but doesn't excel at any of them.  You know, “jack of all trades, master of none.” 

Now, I must be honest.  My mediocrity also shines when I try to act.  In junior high I was in a play… I couldn’t even land a character with a name.  Because of this, I think I’d be most useful on The Mindy Project if I just kinda stood there.  Maybe say a little something every now and then.  Most of the time I make jokes that aren’t even funny.  (ex. I work with kids, and after one boy told me how he was “super duper good” at board games, I declared him an “ex-board-inaire.”  Like extraordinaire… with board games.  Get it?)  Sometimes my jokes are okay.  (ex. Asking my friend and coworker if she wanted to become a TEAcher because she loves tea so much.)  But once in a while, man, I can really kill it.  In fact, the proudest moment of my life thus far involves a funny.  FUNNY. 

My friend and I were in Borders (this was before capitalism killed it it went out of business), perusing the Ancient Greek and Roman section.  We saw a collection of Euripides’ plays and got really excited because we had read them in school, so I suppose we felt smart or something.  I don’t know.  But anyway, I picked up the book and flipped quickly through the pages.  I looked at the cover again.  “Euripides,” I thought.  “What a strange name.  I wonder how they came up with these names.  Euripides.  You-rip-a-deeze.”  And then, in a rare moment of brilliance, I held the book up to my friend and said, “Hey, Dana, Euripides pages, you buy-a da book!”  (If you’re not laughing, I promise, it’s due to my inability to convey jokes through writing.  Stuff was funny.)*

And so that’s what I can offer.  I can bring to The Mindy Project what no one else has.  I can be boring.  I can be average.  I’m so good at being average.  I don’t mean this in a self-deprecating way.  Not just anybody can be ordinary.  No.  Not Obama, not Lady Gaga, not Peyton Manning.  Okay, scratch Peyton.  My point is, I can bring a breath of fresh, ordinary, not special smelling air to the show. 

Sounds like an okay idea, right?

Thank you,

Charlotte 

(To all three of the people I know read this blog:  I always show a few of my friends these posts before sharing the link.  The feedback on this has been that it's "well written, funny, and definitely maybe will capture the attention of people."  But, they've also expressed concern over my self-loathe.  So, I will do that which I do not want to do and admit that I know there are good things about me.  1. I'm fucking hilarious.  (*Euripides pages...)  2. I'm a fair writer.  I'm not great, but I think I can be one day.  3. I'm nice.  4. When waxed, my eyebrows are just lovely.  LOVELY.  See?  Okay?  Not swimming in self doubt over here.  All is well.)

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Charlotte