the new year

I've achieved the silliest/dumbest pic yet!

I've come to love these kinds of posts where I get to reflect a bit on what I've achieved in the last few months (and what I could have done differently) and make goals for the future. I'm not sure why I like these posts so much now... maybe it's part of the "older and wiser" thing? Entering adulthood with a bit more grace than years past? Perhaps, perhaps. Either way, I sort of relish these marked dates where we all get the opportunity to do a little reflecting and a little planning. 

Even though I'm, you know, three days late. Ahem. 

So, 2016. This year was rough to say the least. I think most of us agree on that, but for me it was personally difficult, too. And yet I almost feel good about it? As though I've been through enough hell to have actually learned things? So that's good. For me 2016 was defined by sickness. I have to laugh at my own naivety in last year's post, when I thought all was well since I had been "feeling a little bit better." As they say down here, "Bless your heart," last year's Charlotte!

The first half of the year was brutal. I was in the hospital all the time. I had surgeries and procedures. Finally we found out that my liver is in fact damaged, but... they found no cause. Luckily the damage isn't severe and in these last few months the pain has decreased somewhat (knock on wood!!!) and my labs have been coming back mostly normal, so let me tentatively say that the liver issues will be at least somewhat less difficult to deal with from here on out. It seems as though some of that upper quadrant pain is something I'm just going to have to live with since we can't find a cause, but as long as I'm not having severe flare-ups, I can mostly manage. This year has made me tougher. I had a liver biopsy and felt the whole thing since I don't numb easily, so I kinda feel like a real bad ass.

As the liver problem lessened, my endometriosis made an appearance. It didn't want to feel left out, I suppose. After all, the upper abdomen can't have all the attention. The low dose birth control I was on stopped doing its job, pain returning full-force. 

You may have noticed I stopped posting entirely some time around late August. I'll tell the story of why now, and try to keep it short. (Brevity is not my forte, though. ;)

When I felt the endo coming back I talked to my primary right away. Endometriosis and I go back far enough that I knew I wouldn't want to put off treatment. He sent me to an obgyn here and off I went. Well... shit hit the fan. For whatever reason (capitalism and the patriarchy, probably), endometriosis is relatively under-researched. Most doctors don't seem to know a ton about it, and in all honesty, the current options for treating it aren't terrific. Turns out the doctor I saw must be one of the doctors who isn't extremely familiar with endo. She told me I'd need an open surgery and a bowel resection and, and, and... you get it, but suggested that in order to avoid that surgery I ought to go on depo provera. 

Ya'll. The horror. The horror!

I received the first shot of depo and about ten days later I started feeling my depression coming back. It felt heavier than it has in months. I was pretty devastated. I knew that on top of everything else, I really couldn't handle deep depression as well. I worried that things would quickly spiral out of control (well, out of what little control there already was, anyway...). School was starting at this exact time, too, so I made the decision to focus on treating my endometriosis, treating my depression, and getting myself to school... and nothing else. This blog, and many of my fun or blog-related "goals" immediately took a backseat. I found a new obgyn. For the depression, I asked my primary to talk about medicine (I'd been on medicine for depression before, but at this point I had been off of all medicine and doing well for over a year). I also committed to reading certain kinds of books, to walking and driving through nature as much as possible, and to going to church. All things that I knew from experience would work to battle depression. I can't say the depression went away - in fact I am still fighting it. But because I knew what I was dealing with and I've been there before, I think I was able to stop it from getting to a point where I can't function at all. Thank God, truly. As for school, I got myself there whenever I wasn't too physically ill and I passed my classes. Those three things: school, endo, depression. That's what I've focused on for the last few months. It was all I had the energy to do, and it's why I haven't been writing here as much. Now that I've just had surgery and therefore need to take the semester off (no point wasting my money on class if I need to miss a month to recuperate), my plan is to get back into the habit of writing. I'm very much looking forward to it. 

~me when I think about blogging again~

So that was that. 

Another effect of that depo was that it (sorry for possible forthcoming tmi) thinned my uterine lining way too much, causing me to bleed for weeks at a time. You know what's not fun? Bleeding out of your vagina for 57 days straight. But yes, anyway. I saw several surgeons, all great but not willing/able to perform my surgery because it was too high risk. I was finally sent to a gynecologic oncologist and then to a reproductive endocrinologist, we came up with a plan, and finally I got some relief first in the form of estrogen and then just last week via major surgery. I'm sore as anything now, but I'm honestly just ecstatic about the thought of a future with no/less pain. 

(The surgery shed light on just how severe the endo was - it was everywhere and I needed stitches in my intestines and rectum and it was binding together my vagina and uterus and aren't ya glad you're reading all these details?! But hey, these kinds of posts are mostly for myself, so I'm not holding back. And despite the severity, there was something sort of miraculous about my case. I'm going to write a post on that really soon.)

              

So that was most of 2016. There were some really great things about the year, too, though. Like I said, I followed through with my plans and started school again! I did really, really well in my math classes and I didn't do horribly in physics, either. (That one was a bit harder since I've never taken physics and because I missed quite a few days for medical stuff - and yet, I still got a B-!) I also finally found a church (one of the most beautiful churches I've ever seen, at that!) and went as often as I could. I can't describe how good it has been for me. In general I've just experienced and done things last year that, for reasons I still don't get, have made me just feel like a better me. So that's nice, right?

Now, as for those goals, let's see. They were: 

1. Make a two year plan; 

2. Get a job; 

3. Be less distracted; 

4. Watch more documentaries; 

5. Make a pilgrimage;

6. Exercise every single day; 

7. Go on a legit date; 

8. Finish the draft posts for the blog and,

9. Read.

How'd I make out? Well, I made a loose two year plan, but it was a bit thrown because of medical stuff. I'm counting that as a success, though, because I've got a general idea of things I'd like to do and I've been doing them! "Get a job!" oh, Char. My exact words in that post were, "The health stuff is improving. I need a job." If only you knew. I did work odd jobs, but I was so sick this year. I'm bummed about the lack of work, but I really can't even be mad at myself for it given everything I was dealing with. Prayers that this changes in 2017! I was definitely less distracted, and I'm actually a little proud of myself for how mindful I've become. I watched some documentaries, but I fell short of my goal. I think in 2017 I won't make it a resolution so much as just something I stay conscious of and make sure to do more often. And a pilgrimage! Technically I did make a pilgrimage! During the Holy Year of Mercy, Holy Doors were set up and if you were able to pass through one, it was a pilgrimage. Of course, when I made that goal, I intended it to be a pilgrimage that involved traveling more than an hour away, haha. But given all that happened, it worked out well for me. I am going to include making a pilgrimage as a resolution again this year. I most certainly did not exercise every day. However, I exercised as often as I could and I am in better shape now than I was this time last year. I lost a ton of weight... but then I put quite a few of those pounds back on after getting that shot of depo provera, dammit! Curse that shot!!! I did not go on a "legit" date... but I finally got my act together and joined a dating site and it hasn't been horrible. :) I finished quite a few drafts and I read 56 books, check and check. (Though my goal was 60 books... grrr.) 

Altogether I suppose it was a mixed bag, but I'm happy. Like I said, mid-year I switched gears and focused all of my energy on keeping my depression from getting too severe and treating my other health conditions, so I'm not going to be angry at myself for falling short on some of my less important goals. Priorities, people!  

    

Other fun/random things that I noticed about myself in 2016? Well, I've embraced some of these southern things...... you guys, I am now the owner of a pair of cowboy boots. Or cowgirl boots, I suppose. Le sigh. I also use the word "reckon," though I think that's also due to how often I read/watch Harry Potter. I finally learned to just love and embrace the color of my hair. Still working on the texture, though. I reconnected with my older brother and it's been great, but that can take up an entire post. 2016 was just a record year for me. 

So this year! This year. I'm unusually optimistic about 2017. I have a feeling it is going to be a lot of hard work, but after this year I feel like I can handle things, yo. If I can basically get stabbed in the liver and not cry (though I did whisper a somewhat loud "fuuuck" through clenched teeth), then I can overcome all of my crap and make good things happen, yes?

I've got a few goals in mind for the year, some of them major and some a bit random. 

1. I'm moving soon (as soon as the landlords stop procrastinating on fixing the bathroom). One of my goals for 2017 is to make my place somewhere I'm happy and comfortable, somewhere that's warm and welcoming to any visiting friends, too. 

2. Along those same lines of renewed independence... cook more. I've barely cooked at all the last year because I eat what's put in front of me. I'm grateful, of course, but I'm looking forward to planning my own meals and cooking from scratch and learning new recipes.

3. Be less fearful. Ah, this goes for a lot of things. Living on my own, worrying about health issues returning, etc. I don't think I'll ever be someone who can just not feel fear, but one of my goals is to overcome it and do things anyway.

4. Read 60 books. This year I only finished 56, falling four short of my goal. But I think I would have achieved the 60 had it not been for so many hospitalizations and stuff. I'll have more specific reading goals later, as per usual. 

5. This year I've really got to drink less soda. I've been great about drinking more water, but I drink a ton of Coke. My soda habits got about 500x worse when the depression hit, but I haven't tried hard enough to correct them. I'm thinking I'll go back to my old strategy of only drinking it on Sundays. 

6. Exercise often. I mean often. And continue losing weight! I got down to under 200lbs for the first time in years in 2016! The depo may have put some of that back on, but I fully intend on taking it back off and getting down to my ideal weight, anywhere between 160-180.

7. Learn to knit/crochet/sew. Pick one and learn it.

8. Learn to do my hair and makeup. I'm never going to be a makeup superstar because I just prefer not wearing a ton of it, but I would like to know the basics better. And my hair!! The only thing I know how to do with my hair at this point it putting some mousse in it and calling it a day. Surely I can learn a few more tricks. I always make goals that should make me feel better about my character, nothing wrong with making one that'll make me feel good about my looks, too. 

9. Pick six subjects and learn about them. Just for fun. My idea is to use two months per subject/topic to read about them, watch documentaries, take stuff out from the library, etc. So far my ideas are blue whales, the tundra, and progressive era activists. Ideas and suggestions welcome!

10. Get closer to God. Pray the rosary more, go to confession, go to daily mass more often, get to know the saints, go to adoration more often, read the Bible. You know, the good stuff. This is the most important of them all.

11. That pilgrimage!

12. Make friends in North Carolina, dang it!!!!!

I also told my friends I was going to be like Charlotte from Sex and the City, declaring that this is the year I get engaged. But we shall see haha. Might be a tad far-fetched. 

There are some broader plans and ideas I've got that don't quite qualify as "goals," like writing more. I'd like to write intentionally more often, too. Of course I use this blog for fun things like sorting characters into Hogwarts houses and coming up with nerdy baby names, but I'd also like to use this space to write more important stuff from here on out. There are things I really think I need to get out there (just for myself, not for the world to see or anything like that) and this is a built-in place to do that. I remember back in the day when I was actually pretty good at writing, and I feel as though I've lost that skill. I'd like to work on getting it back. This is a good place to start. Other plans may or may not include a dog companion and backyard chickens, but more on that later......

And finally, for this year's word and saint! 

2017's word: Heal

My body, yes. Big time. But also mind and soul. 

2017's saint: St. Gianna Beretta Molla

I plan on writing much more about this choice, as well as my saint friends of years past, like 2016's St. Joan of Arc and 2015's St. Anne. 

source

Until then, 

Happy New Year! 

xo Charlotte

Sex With Just One Person... For the Rest of Your Life

Sometimes I'll read a blog post that's really open and honest and that addresses a topic that's awkward or uncomfortable that I'd be too timid to write about, and I'll think, "I wish I wasn't too timid to be that open and honest and address topics that are awkward or uncomfortable." 

And recently I decided that, uh, nothing is stopping me from doing that. Besides, Liz is basically my whole readership and there's very little I could write about that she doesn't already know.

One such "awkward and uncomfortable" topic that's been swirling around my head for a hot minute? Sex. The reason? I follow a lot of pages aimed at millennials; sex-positive article appears in my newsfeed at least once a day. I also follow a lot of Catholic pages; an article about abstaining until marriage appears in my newsfeed at least once a day. I usually find something misguiding or problematic in both kinds of posts. Two days ago, and this was really the driving factor in deciding to write this post, I read an article that said, "You have to have sex with a lot of people while you're young. You'll get invaluable experience and really learn about your body."

Let me tell you what. You have to have sex with exactly as many or as few people as you want. You do not have to have sex with a lot of people to learn about your body. (Conversely, you do not have to have sex with no people to stay a good and responsible person.)

The article I mentioned probably contained the most straightforward language, but the sentiment it expressed is often found in sex positive articles, and I think it's problematic. And those Catholic articles I've read? They've got good stuff in them just like the sex-positive posts. ...But often, they're aimed at women and only women. Why are only female bodies temples that ought to be protected? Why is virginity a gift to give to your husband? WHY CAN'T WIVES BE GIFTED VIRGINITY, HUH? In all fairness, there are quite a few Catholic bloggers I follow who aren't sexist - self described "hipster Catholics" who dole out Christian sex ethics to both men and women, and who aren't all about that shaming game. I can dig that. 

Now obviously, one person can only have one perspective, and sex is a personal matter. I can only offer my thoughts on this (though if you want to write a post about your thoughts and experiences, do let me know - I'm all for guest posts [subtle hints to Dana and Liz re: Books to Read With Friends posts] and I'd be happy to share it here). 

Personally, I am in the latter camp - sex with one person and just one person is where it's at. I have nothing against people who have had multiple partners or who don't wait for marriage. I'm saying it's what I want. I remember my friend and I sitting at a red light while we were in high school. We were talking about sex and I believe it was our senior year, so we were both about to go to college, which obviously - hotbed of immorality. ;) Somehow our conversation turned to numbers. How many people will you let yourself sleep with? (Yes, I know it's an arbitrary bs thing, but we were 17 so whatever.) I said something along the lines of, "I really only want to sleep with my husband, but I usually fall short of my goals, so I'll give myself 3." And my friend said, "30." Approximately twenty seconds later she sighed and let out, "Dammit, I've limited myself to so few!" And we laughed and moved on to better conversation.   

Funnily enough, my reasoning has nothing to do with religion. I've always been Catholic but I didn't start practicing until I was around 22 (I still am a total novice, too). Before religion was an active part of my life, I decided I didn't want to have many sexual partners. Now that I actually know the Church's teaching on sex, yes, I mostly agree with it. But my original thought process has nothing to do with God or creation, it just has to do with... romance. 

I know, I know. 

But here's the thing. I really, really like the idea of my husband being the closest person to me. There's an emotional closeness between life partners that is different from the closeness between friends. I imagine my husband will be the person I am emotionally closest to throughout my life. I'd like it if he were the person I am physically closest to as well. For me, the idea of one person - the person who I'll build a life with - being the only person I've ever reached maximum emotional and physical closeness with is perfect. I know the phrase "making love" solicits eye rolls and fake gagging, but having sex is being physically closest to the person I'm emotionally closest to, and I think that's terribly romantic.

Of course, there's no guarantee I'll get married, in which case I will have wasted a perfectly good vagina. But let's not think of such calamitous things.

I know sex with one person FOREVA is not for everyone. I get that. But people make it as though it's insane or oppressive to only have sex with one person. That's your choice. There are as many ways to be sex-positive as there are people, and this is just my way. I have friends who have had multiple partners - some have loved it, some have regretted it. I have friends who waited until they were a certain age or until they thought they were in love - some loved it, some regretted it. It's different for everyone.

My personal experience of waiting? Eh. 

For one, my friends. They're simultaneously the most supportive and the most annoying about my decision. They all tell me it's great that I know what I want, yada yada, but.. they can unknowingly be patronizing as well. I've been told I'm adorable for waiting. I don't get mad at reactions like that, but I do get a little internal eye rolling going on. Many have also suggested that I'll change my mind once I'm in a relationship. Maybe, but maybe not. Probably not, actually. I haven't been in any serious relationships, but that doesn't mean I haven't been in situations where I've wanted to have sex. Hello, college. I've come close to having sex. I think there's an assumption among my sexually active friends that if you haven't had sex, you don't get tempted. It can be frustrating when my friends act as though I'm just totally oblivious to sexual desire. It is not easy waiting to have sex. I imagine it'll be ten times more difficult when I'm in a serious relationship. 

Probably the most anxiety-inducing part about having sex with only one person is the thought of how guys will respond to that. I know that it's possible I'll really like a guy, maybe even see a future with him, but that things won't work out because he wants to have sex. I have two guy friends that know I don't have sex (and, um, I guess more now that I've posted this) and they don't think it's bad or weird, but they're also not romantically interested in me, so.. it's different. I'd be lying if I said I don't sometimes wonder if I'm getting to a point where the men my age are not going to be interested in waiting until marriage. We'll see, I guess. 

Another really crappy thing is that society at large acts as though not having sex means you're not an adult. I had a friend literally tell me I wasn't really an adult because I haven't had sex. Mother effer, I've been through more in my life than most 40 year olds I know. I am definitely an adult. I am mature, I am responsible (mostly), I am 24 years old, and I certainly have adult bills. I'd like it if this friend tried telling some 60 year old nun or priest s/he wasn't an adult.

I do get a lot of questions from my sexually active friends. Probably the most frequently asked question is if I'm going to teach my kids that they should only have sex within marriage. Which... I'm like years and years away from dealing with that, but can I give it a tentative yes? I haven't planned it out, and obviously my future hypothetical kids will also have a father and this would fall under the umbrella of things parents decide together. I guess my best answer is that I'd teach my kids that I believe sex is best when it's with someone you love (which happens to be what most of my friends have told me). I'd want them to be sex-positive and to know that I'm going to love them whether they wait for marriage or not. I don't know! I get that my friends are curios, but this is a weird question to think about since it's not even close to being a real situation for me yet. 

The second thing almost all of my friends have asked is if I'd marry someone who has had sex. While of course I've already laid out my feelings on the romance of one person, the answer is yes, I would marry someone who has had sex. I don't think I'd be comfortable dating someone who has a completely opposite idea of sex from my own idea, though. I have friends who think sex is just some great fun thing to do for pleasure, and nothing more. That's fine! But I'm not going to marry or build a life with my friends, so there are certain differences that truly don't matter. It's a little different, I think, with a husband (or serious boyfriend). I don't need him to have never had sex, but I would prefer that we value sex similarly - both seeing it as something that's important. Does that make sense? 

As not fun as it is to try and wait, there are a few "add on bonuses" as I call them. Little advantages to only ever having sex within marriage. None of these things would make me decide to wait, but they're silver linings, I guess. Like, I don't have to worry about antibiotics screwing up my birth control! Also, unless future husband has something, I don't have to worry about catching things. I also have horrible luck - so you know how bc is deemed 99.9% effective? I wouldn't put it past myself to be the .1% that gets pregnant. I'm glad I don't have to worry about that (not that I don't want kids, but you know, I wouldn't be able to handle a baby right now). I have endometriosis so my period is irregular. If I was having sex I would always think I might be pregnant. It would be scare after scare and it wouldn't be good for my blood pressure. 

It aggravates me that society simultaneously acts as though people who wait to have sex until marriage are the pinnacle of morality (we're not, and I'm perfectly capable of being an asshole sometimes) while also mocking us for waiting. Neither of those things are right. When it comes down to it, people should do what they think is best for them. This is best for me. Even if I have to endure the occasional friend balking at me when I say a guy is sexy or, God forbid, I say I want to look sexy. Even with that. 

__

Charlotte  

Bullet Journal

My friend Dana introduced me to this neat idea of a bullet journal. The best description I can quickly come up with is that it's like a planner on steroids (which is exactly what I told Liz, who thinks she'd benefit from a bullet journal too). I have, and love, a regular planner, but it's mostly just appointments. I don't put all the little things in there, like moisturizing or making the bed or exercising. I don't track my books in my planner. I don't write down how much money I spend in my planner. The bullet journal though? It is promising. I thrive from checklists (I think it's a mix of my personality and the fact that I'm depressed - checking things off is the best), and the bullet journal is allllll checklists, baby. So I made one. I invested (lol $7, holla big moneyyy) in a journal yesterday. I picked one with a train because I love trains and it reminds me of The Hogwarts Express. And today I got it started.  

See what I mean? It's got everything. I adore checking little things off, even if it's something like brushing teeth or showering (1. the more you check, the more momentum you get, the more productive you become and 2. sometimes depression means you straight up don't care about self-health and self-care, so even things like "put on makeup" and "lather your body with soap" are good to write down). Sometimes I can get to feeling a bit inadequate - I start thinking about "all those people" who don't need check lists or planners or journals to function. But I gotta ditch that mentality. These are things that work for me.  

My bullet journal isn't very pretty. I opted to just start it now even though all I've got is a pen and a few highlighters. I considered waiting until Sunday, after this snowstorm clears up, so I could go get colored pencils. But... I figure I can make it pretty later. I've got a lot of goals for 2016, not to mention a whole host of life and lifestyle changes I want to make, and I'm betting this journal can help me out. 

Here's to achieving goals and forming good habits! 

__ 

Charlotte 

"New year, new me" LOL

I don't dislike the "new year, new me" motto - hell, I like anything that entails people trying to grow or change. But in my experience I'm not going for a new me so much as a "less screwed up, maybe more wise and more mature" me. I'm down for that. 

Let's talk about firsts. I wrote one of these posts for the first time last year. It was the first time I seriously thought about goals. The first time I picked a word to call to mind throughout the year (it was "persevere"). The first time I picked a Saint of the Year (Saint Anne). This year for the first time I actually researched methods to change habits and then stuck to them. It's the first time, ever, that the number of goals I've achieved is greater than the number of goals I did not achieve. That feels pretty good, even at a time when my life doesn't necessarily feel pretty good. With all that in mind, I've decided to do another review/goals post to start the new year.

I'll do a quick rant about 2015, but if you want to skip ahead to the 2016 goals, I feel you. You'llll want to scroll down to the Harry Potter gif, you will.*

I don't feel like 2015 was monumental. I did a lot of small things to better myself, but nothing crazy big happened. No super terrific job (le sigh), no super terrific relocation (le sigh), no super terrific man (le sigh). I had two surgeries; one very minor, another borderline-major. The earlier part of 2015 was probably the hardest physically, with endometriosis leaving me barfing and stuck in bed often. I try to block that part out. I had a nice stint in the hospital for a few days after having some problems with my liver and bile duct, and they're still not sure what caused that (which keeps me on my toes - I get the pain sometimes, but not ever as severe or long-lasting as it was then, so I'm glad for that but I DO get nervous). Because:

COULD BE YOU AT ANY MOMENT, CHAR. Not really. Probably not really.

And then I ended the year with a literal bang when I got into a car accident, and I spent the last few weeks of 2015 in doctors' offices and physical therapy. And it's looking like I get to spend the first few weeks of 2016 with lawyers and courts..... everyone's favorite. Le effing sigh.

New Years morning was spent in the hospital when I hit a nerve in my mouth and I know going to the ER for a tooth-related problem sounds ridiculous to a lot of people, but when you haven't had dental insurance and you have no money... let's just say it sucks. So at 7:30am on Jan. 1st I started the year with a needle in the jaw. Excuse my language but that was fucking rough. 

So yes, the medical aspect of 2015 was hard. That's kind of been my life for two-three years now, so it's slightly less depressing (though the way it affects job searching is awful) and I'm used to it, which is an improvement. I was joking with Liz earlier because at this point I can go in for a blood draw and tell them exactly which spot and vein to hit for a successful attempt. Two years ago I'd go in for a blood draw and hold back tears. So at least I'm... tougher? I suppose? 

I hesitate to say this because I don't want to jinx things, but... it feels like things might be looking up? When my endometriosis flares up, it usually doesn't last for days at a time. (Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.) The abdominal pain tends to be tolerable. My blood pressure has been up since getting into that accident (pain related, most likely), but that can be fixed, fingers crossed. I still have more health issues than I'd like, but they seem to be getting at least a bit under control, or at least more tolerable. (Birth control is really the only thing keeping endo at bay right now, and that's just a bandaid solution. Still working on longer term solutions, like excision surgery. But it can't be the main thing I focus on right now.)

The year has been mentally and emotionally difficult. I live with family right now, and while I'm lucky it's not my most toxic family members, it can still get really tense. Not to mention how hard it is to live approx. 15 hours from my friends in Albany who feel like family and have really been my support system. I don't have friends here and I haven't made an effort to make friends here - partially stubbornness (I'm not going to be here forever, why make friends!), partially depression. Stephanie visited once, but other than that I haven't really seen anyone my age. Not having a real job hasn't helped the mental situation. On top of that, someone who was an important person in my life kind of just walked out of it without any sort of explanation, which is, I think, supremely fucked up. It's made me go back to old ways of thinking that are not really good (doubting my friends, holding back on talking to even my close friends about difficult things, etc). I try to remind myself to not think like that. Can't let one b ruin all of my other relationships. Nope.

There have been some great things this year, though. Liz and I started Filthy Casket Book Reviews. I love blogging over there so much, and it's a great motivator for reading and writing. Not to mention I've signed up for Blogging for Books, so I receive complimentary books and review them in return. It is a pretty good deal. We get a nice traffic flow over at FC, and between that and THL, more people than ever are reading my posts. (It's a little intimidating because I know my writing is sometimes all willy nilly. But the increased readership is making me want to become a better writer and to organize my thoughts in more... coherent ways. Time will tell.)

Speaking of blog highlights this year, 2015 has brought more blog views than any other year I've been blogging. This saints' names post brought in hundreds of viewers in one day, and since then I've had a steady flow of visits. Before that my Baltimore riots post brought in a lot of readers as well. It's great to be able to write about such a variety of topics and still find a lot of people who dig it.

There were also some awesome things that happened this year that aren't related to blogging at all. I finally went to Disney World. Was that ever fun. I think that was probably 2015's highlight. I also saw my friend Stephanie for the first time in a couple of years, which is always wonderful. I lost a lot of weight. My friend Dana and I are together again. (That sentence will re-fuel old rumors of us being romantic partners [Can two people just not be very close??? I don't understand.] so let me just clarify that I meant we're good friends again after quite a bit of time apart. We reunited before 2015, but it feels like it used to now.) And I think I became a little more confident and it's showing - I gave up wearing nothing but jeans and large hoodies in favor of wearing clothes that fit properly and look nice, I do my hair - or at least try, and I'm over all just better in some ways. It's pretty fabulous. 2015 was not my best year by a long shot, but I'd be an ass to pretend nothing good happened.    

Let's talk about last year's goals. 

Last year I wanted to do a few things. Some of the specific goals were to write more, read more, lose weight, and get a job.

I've definitely been writing more. I haven't sent in a ton of freelance articles like I thought I might have, but I wrote more blog posts, did more book reviews that get posted on numerous sites, and I worked on my book (still definitely a work in progress!). I count this as a success.

And reading more! Oh yeah, this was definitely achieved. I read more books in 2015 than ever before. I feel pretty pleased about that. (Here's a list of my top five reads of 2015, along with Liz's.) Success!

The weight loss thing is more complicated because my goal was to get down to my ideal weight, and I'm not there yet. But I lost an absolute ton of weight. I'm starting to physically feel better, which is fantastic. I'm noticing the positive changes in how I feel every day. Right now I'm the lowest weight I've been in over five years! So even though I haven't yet reached my ideal range (165-180), I think I'm counting this as another success.

Ugh, the job situation. I wanted to get a real job and that didn't happen. It's been pretty difficult with back to back health problems. I did a few little gigs, like planting gardens, watering flowers in greenhouses, mowing lawns, picking up dog poop - really glamorous stuff! Like I said, my health stuff feels like it's getting more manageable, so a job will hopefully be more doable. I'm dying to work again. (Not to mention - bills. And drowning. Drowning in bills.)

Another thing I worked on, which I alluded to earlier in this novella of a post, was trying to be more mindful. I wanted to change some of my evil habits, namely procrastination. After thinking about it a while, I realized that it was important for me to be able to recognize if I am being lazy, or if my depression is hitting me hard. There's a big difference, and knowing which thing I'm experiencing helps me choose which way to go about acting. It's easy for me, if I recognize I'm just being lazy, to say, "You don't actually like being lazy, Charlotte. It's not a fun Sunday lounge day - this is something you need to do and you basically hate laziness and know it's a big trait in your family and you don't want to get ya ass sucked into all of THAT so get up and do this thing you're avoiding." And then I get up and do it. If I'm having a rough day and it's depression, I acknowledge it. I can still motivate myself to stop procrastinating (usually) but it's a more complicated process when the root is depression or anxiety. So working on that has been a big goal for me, and I'm happy to say I've gotten pretty good at knowing myself and recognizing what I'm dealing with and taking it from there. It's made a world of difference and I'm better for it. I'd like to continue that in 2016, and hopefully get to the point where not procrastinating just comes naturally to me, instead of it being an effort. We'll see.

Over all, I'm happy with how I've done on my 2015 goals. I should probably throw myself a party or something.

And for 2016....

I feel like I have to make 2016 my year or else I'll die of stagnation. I've set up a few goals for the year, some big and some small.

1. Make a two year plan. I've been given various bits of advice from people I have a lot of respect for, so I'm combining their advice. Some suggested making five year plans. Take things five years at a time. Others suggested a less planned out, more laid back view on life, and alluded to "three acts." Others have told me to take things a few months at a time. After a little bit of thought, I think a two year plan sounds like the best idea for me at this time. I'm going to sit down and look at all my options (lol "all") and put more effort than usual into really figuring out what I can do to get my life on track. This is something I'd like to finish by the end of January.

2. Get a job. Like I said, the health stuff is improving. I need a job.

3. Be less distracted. I don't know when I became like this, but I've noticed that I'm always doing a million things at once. If I have a movie on, I often also have a football game on, but on mute. Or I'll have a Netflix show up, playing during commercials during one of my tv shows. I do the same thing with reading, with writing, with essentially all the little hobbies I have. I don't fully experience any of them because I'm trying to do all of them. It needs to change. I want to just sit down and watch a football game without looking at my computer every two seconds. I want to put a movie on and not pause it a million times to chat on Facebook. Getting rid of my smartphone helped with this, but I have a long way to go.

4. Watch more documentaries. I love documentaries, yet I don't think I watched a single one in 2015. For shame! With Netflix at my fingers, there's really no excuse for not watching.

5. Make a pilgrimage. Money is tight nonexistent, so I won't be walking the camino any time soon. (But some point in my lifetime, God willing!!) I've always thought of pilgrimages as grand things in foreign lands, but there are plenty of places to visit right here in the US. I'd like to really try and visit such a place in 2016.

6. Exercise every single day. I'm not going to run a mile every day, but I want to do something every day. The only exceptions I'll give myself is hospitalization, violent illness, or severe endometriosis (but please let there be no reason to use those excuses!!!).

7. Go on a legit date. I've "hung out" with a guy this year, but never quite on a real date. It always felt just like hanging out with a friend. But with all the freaking engagement announcements over the last two weeks... let's just say I might die if I see one more. (Yeah, yeah, I'm happy for them. Just also miserable at my own romantic life.. or lack thereof.) I want to go on a legit date. I'm really sick of ambiguous dinners and lunches and outings. That all said, I need to get my ass out more often. No one can ask me out if I make it like I don't exist.

8. Finish the draft posts for the blog. Also, the series I've started but not finished. There are a bunch of unfinished posts in my draft folder. Some of them I'll delete if I don't feel the need or desire to write them anymore, but others are things I'd really like to finish. I also want to finish some of the series I've started.

9. Read. Dana and I made a pact to read 60 books each this year. I will make it happen! I have a few book-related goals, though. I've listed them here.

Other than that, I'd like to continue with my long term goals I've been working on for a while, like the good reading habits, good weight loss habits, etc. Blogging helps keep me accountable, so here's hoping!

And if YOU, reader, are also making goals, remember: YOU CAN DO EEEET.

And the fun stuff!

2016 Word of the Year: Challenge 
Like, good challenge. Challenge myself, don't be scared, hop on out of that comfort zone. You know.

2016 Saint of the Year: Saint Joan of Arc 
Because if I'm going to challenge myself, I should have a friend who is brave.

And I think that's it for this post!** 2016, cheers.
__
Charlotte

*Of course there's a Harry Potter gif!
**That technically is it for this post, but in case you'd like to take a stroll down memory lane (and because I included this in last year's post), here are my favorite posts from 2015:

1. Some of my Favorite Books

2. The Right to Life and Family

3. Ten Things to do on a Rainy Day

4. Disney Trip

5. Struggles of Car Ownership

6. Home Library Love

7. So You Want to Work at NASA

8. Baltimore Riots: White Contradictions

9. If You're Kind of a Nerd but Don't Want Your Kids to Have Crazy Names

10. On Being Fat

Oy With the Poodles Already - A Post About the Recent Health Stuff

I have no idea why, but that Gilmore Girls phrase popped into my head when I was trying to come up with an appropriate title for this blog post. So there we have it. 

I know I said I probably wouldn't post this week, but I've been getting questions about the health issues and while I'm grateful for the concern, I just figure it's easier to post up here. Plus, whenever I'm dealing with something, I go to my main b for advice: Google. And often, I'll stumble upon a blogger's story about her issues and I'll feel a little solidarity and comfort and just... I don't know, it's nice to read from others going through similar things. I'm not sure where to start exactly. So let's wing it. (If you're not into reading all the mundane stuff and just want to know what the hell was wrong with me, skip to the part that says in big letters, "What the hell was wrong with me?") 

The Pain Last Week 

The other day, around 4pm, I started having some abdominal pain. It was a notch up from what I normally experience, but I didn't think too much of it. I kind of assumed it was just another thing related to endometriosis. I took some ibuprofen, it didn't do anything. So then I though it might be gas (yeah, I tend to be a little more glamorous on the blog than talking about gas, but I'm trying to keep it real) - not regular gas, but the kind similar to when you have surgery, that's sharp and rises to your chest and shoulders. Dinner time came and I barely ate because I was in such pain. So I took some stuff for gas. It didn't help but I went to bed. Fast forward to the next day and I was no better. Still assuming it was gas and that I was being a wimp, I tried walking around and exercising. NOT A GOOD PLAN, CHARLOTTE. By afternoon the pain was at a steady 8 or 9 on that lovely scale, and I could hardly move. I tried laying down and sleeping to no avail. Then I started vomiting and I decided... watching the live action Cinderella would help. 

It didn't. I mean, it's a great movie but the pain was bad and I couldn't eat and I was throwing up. I still insisted it was gas pain (the growth from endometriosis is on some of my non-reproductive organs, so general abdominal/digestive issues are frequent) but I decided I would need to get over my fear of the doctors and nurses thinking I was a wimp for going to the ER over gas pains. Off to the hospital I went. 

At first it wasn't too bad. They took me in relatively quickly. They did wait a little long to get those pain meds in, though. (The first nurse couldn't get an IV in, so they brought me to get an ultrasound before administering any medication. I wasn't mad, and I'm super used to multiple tries to get my veins, but the pain was serious so I was a little miffed.) Anyway. They changed shifts while I was getting that ultrasound, and my new nurse came in and got a vein on the first try. Finally! Pain meds! I hate how they feel at first. Not a fan of dizziness and, well, feeling high. But! It brought the pain down to around a 5, so that was a relief. But it still hurt pretty badly when I breathed in. 

Also, the girl in the room next to me was an insufferable brat. But hey. 

They ran some tests and came to tell me they were concerned that I had a blood clot in my lung. I think I looked something like this:

I'm confused and so terrified I could pee my pants, but I don't want my face to show any trace of fear.

If you know me, you might be aware that blood clots are something I'm terribly afraid of. One of the reasons I hate being on birth control so much is that it increases chances of blood clots. Just remembering the moment the doctor told me they thought I might have a clot is making my palms sweat. No good, no good, no good.

I think the doctor was picking up on the fact that I was nervous fucking terrified, so she tried to downplay the whole thing. She reassured me that I was a low risk patient for blood clots, and that it was unlikely. She said they could do a CAT scan to find out if there was a clot, but that she'd prefer not to right away because of the radiation. I agreed. She explained that there was a blood test they could run. It tests for a few things, but if it came back positive, it could mean there's a clot. (It could also mean something else - so a positive result wasn't necessarily indicative of a clot.) They already had my blood and I while I knew I wouldn't be comfortable unless we knew FOR SURE there wasn't a clot, I was fine with just running the test instead of doing a CAT scan. They seemed to think it'd come back negative and that the pain was just gastritis or something. 

Hollah, the test came back positive. 

On the outside, I think my eyes just got big and my face turned a deep shade of red. On the inside I was like 

  

Guys, I am so scared of blood clots. This felt like I was living an actual nightmare. I didn't visibly freak out, but my calm act was a little thrown by my shaky voice. So, CAT scan. They wheeled me out and on the way to imaging, when no one could see my face, I definitely did a little silent cry. So dramatic. I am not completely afraid of death, but I'm not eager for it just yet and I don't want it to involve blood clots and chest pains and gasping for air. Yes, I know I was in a hospital and they would have handled it, but this is my nightmare, so back off.

I texted some of my closest friends to tell them, and their responses ranged from calm concern and encouragement to straight fear (sorry for freaking you out, guys!).

The CAT scan showed no clots, and I had a little party. Not really, but I was so relieved. The unfortunate part was that my pain wasn't completely under control, especially when I breathed in. After they tested for the clot, they basically told me I probably had gastritis and to follow up with a pcp. 

lolol ok

(In truth, I get it. Abdominal pain, from what I understand, is a headache in the ER. There are so many causes - I mean, I was convinced I just had gas... - and it's an ER, not a specialist. They try to rule out the life threatening stuff and then send you home if they don't find anything. I get it.)

Back Home

Okay, so we left. They gave me four pain pills to hold me over until I could get a prescription filled the next day (we left the hospital around 10:45pm). I was still a little doped up (a lot doped up, really) and so I felt great. Breathing in was uncomfortable, but otherwise, I was okay. I hadn't eaten at all that day, so I was excited to get something. I immediately thought of wonton soup, but the place closed ten minutes early. So instead, I had a piece of white bread and went to bed, probably some time around midnight. 

I woke up at 1:45 in pain. It wasn't horrific, but it was unpleasant. I was able to fall asleep though. I woke up in severe pain less than an hour after that. It was completely, totally awful. I took one of the pain pills and tried to lay down. I couldn't find a position that even remotely eased the pain, which made me think, for the first time, that it wasn't gas (I hadn't been sold on the gastritis thing). I didn't want to wake my grandparents up, though, so I kind of just laid down in pain for a little while. 3:30 rolled around, then 4, and still, the pain pill didn't kick in. It didn't even take the edge off the pain. I put Cinderella back on, but could hardly follow along with it. At 5:27 I gave in and woke my grandparents up (my grandpa yelled at me for not waking him up to take me back three hours earlier) and told them I needed to go back to the hospital. He brought me and at first the lady at the desk looked at me like I was crazy when I told her I had just been here. But they took me straight in (miracle, thank you God) and put me in a bed. I definitely felt like an idiot and a weakling since I had just been there, but I truly couldn't handle the pain.

Just Kidding, Back in the ER

A nurse and a doctor came in and asked me some questions. I don't think either of them doubted my sincerity, but they were about to change shifts, so talking to them was kind of a waste. 

Another nice nurse came in and asked me about my pain levels. I believe I told her it was "at least a 10!!!" I texted some of my friends asking if I'd sound like a psychopath if I asked them to put me to sleep. 

      

At this point I was half crying (like, I wasn't even making noise or aware that I started crying. Tears were just falling out, man.) and my body was weirdly curled because I was trying desperately to just. ease. the. pain. already. 

I'm pretty sure I ended up telling the nurse I'd very much be okay with them sedating me. 

They did not, however, sedate me. 

She pumped some sweet, sweet drugs into my body and the pain dulled down to a 5 or 6; completely, totally tolerable. If I started having level 5 or 6 pain right now, randomly, I'd think it was horrible and I'd curl into a ball. But after over three hours of severe, level 10 pain, a 5 or 6 was nothing. But the nurse didn't like that I was still in pain at all and neither did the doctor. 

The rest is fuzzy, but basically they ran a shit ton of tests. Then they decided to do an MRI. I kid you not, they put me in a wheelchair and brought me outside. I was amused at first, thinking it was funny that we had to go outside to get to the MRI room, but that maybe the dude was just taking a short cut. That is, until he started going 'round corners and then we crossed the street, all the while it was RAINING. I started thinking horrible thoughts. 

"Oh my God, he's not even a real employee! OH MY GOD HE IS STEALING ME. He's going to put me in a van or kill me!!!!!" 

But one of my few good traits is that I'm resilient, and so I talked myself down. "Even in a bit of pain, I could take this guy if it came down to it. I'm not that drugged up."

The world will never know if I'd have been able to take him, because it turns out he was in fact an employee and the MRI place was just across the street. (Don't get me started. wtf, south? Wouldn't you want to be able to get patients to the MRI machine quickly? What if it's someone who had been in an accident?!) 

By the way, I fucking hate MRIs. Loathe, hate, detest, abhor them. 

But yes. So the tests came back and the doctor woke me up mid-percocet-induced-light-sleep-daydream to tell me they were going to admit me. 

What the Hell Was Wrong With Me?

Some of my levels came back really abnormal and the MRI showed that there was "sludge" in the common bile duct. It turns out there was a stone in there. Apparently, those can still form even if you don't have a gallbladder, but it's also possible that it's been there for a long time, even before I had my gallbladder removed. So yeah, my liver stopped working properly. It became really inflamed and all of the levels were off and the bilirubin was really high. The admitted me with a plan of managing pain and observing and, if necessary, doing a procedure to go into the duct and remove it. At first it seemed like they were going to do the procedure right away, which made me super nervous. But my pain became more manageable and was much less severe, so they decided to watch me until the morning, when they'd do another blood test. 

The doctor explained that when the liver becomes that stressed, the body might try and push the stone out naturally, and that, if my pain was decreasing and my blood tests were coming back less horrifying, it was probably because my body had gotten the stone out on its own. In the morning they ran more tests and my levels had gone down, but only a bit. They were still too high and I had to stay in the hospital. 

(The hospital stay was....... alright. They had some overflow, so they put me in maternity. I thought it was weird at first but it turned out to be pretty awesome. It was quiet (the section with women in labor was separated by some distance and strong doors), there are babies(!), the nurses were great, and the bathroom was fantastic. It was huge. And the bed was much better than the ER bed. That all said, it still sucked. I wasn't wildly fond of being stuck inside and in one room and with no people. It was incredibly boring, though I did enjoy a marathon of What Not to Wear on TLC. When I was on the pain meds I got really sad, something I'm prone to do when I'm alone, and I couldn't stop thinking about just the saddest things going on in my life. I mean, that didn't last the entire time, but when it was happening, it sucked. I decided against the strong pain meds unless they were very necessary. I also didn't get a ton of sleep, especially since they woke me up very often for blood tests or vitals. Worst of all - worst of all - I was on a clear liquid diet. After 36 hours of no food, I was brought sodium free chicken broth. Kill me dead. Yeah, I don't know how I survived on jello and broth for three days, but I did. Many headaches. I was moved to the proper floor on the day I ended up being discharged (and I missed the nurses + bathroom) and my doc finally let me eat food, precious food. I look forward to never needing to stay in the hospital again, save childbirth, please God. Also - this may come off as complaining, and I suppose it is, but trust me, my appreciation for the care is much greater than any of my complaints.)

Am I complaining too much? Is this too long? Are you like, "please shut up this post is so long?"

So yes. They believe it was a stone - there was definitely something blocking the duct - and they believe it passed. I have to follow up with le specialist, just in case it isn't that, or in case there's a stone that moved, but didn't actually pass. 

It was only after the whole ordeal that I found out this thing was life threatening. Maybe that's obvious, but it wasn't to me. I thought I was being admitted for pain management and just for convenience if I needed the surgery. I thought it was similar to when I had my gallbladder out - surgery was best, but it wouldn't have killed me right that second if I didn't have it removed straight away. I was wrong. I was super wrong. The condition was actually life threatening, which freaks me out just a tad now. I mean, I thought it was gas! I put off going to the hospital for as long as I could! Part of me is worried - I have a tendency to put off going to the ER despite pain (when I had those terrible, severe cramps, two different people told me to go to the ER. I didn't because I didn't want to be a wimp and I thought the doctors would think I was ridiculous to complain about "period pain" and then a month later, when I finally went, there was a freaking mass on my ovary). So I'm a little scared that I won't recognize a serious issue when it's happening - I literally always attribute any problem to endometriosis, since that's so often the case. Over the last few days, every time I've had a hit of pain, I get really scared that the stone is back. 

I need to get over it, or I need to just pretend to be over it until I go see the doctor next week - something that will hopefully yield some answers. 

I've been trying to improve some of my habits for a while, and the doctors said it was obvious. They also told me that regardless of some of my habits (like eating habits), this could have happened. But I'm going to continue trying to improve anyway, of course. 

I'll give an update after the doctor, and maybe eventually I'll write about the endometriosis, since it plays a big part in everything, and since so many women have it. More info/accounts on the interwebs can't hurt. 

Now I'm off to root for the Cubs. ;)

__

Charlotte