July Into August | 2016

This is my littlest brother. He's less crazy than he looks here.

This month has been effing crazy. It's been a little bit of a physical and mental roller coaster ride. There's been some good - like registering for classes and going hiking and swimming a bit more and losing weight - and some bad.... like a bunch of doctor appointments. And a broken car.

I don't usually mind the doctor visits anymore. I'm used to them, and my other option is withering away, so, what am I gonna do, really? The problem is that I do not feel like my doctors are fully paying attention to my health as a whole picture (so my obgyn giving me something that causes depression despite my history of depression or my GI not considering everything from my other appointments in the last year, etc). So I'm dealing with that. The other problem is that, whether it's true or not, I feel like we're getting nowhere. I've been dealing with this liver stuff for almost a year and we still don't know what's up. I had an appointment a month ago with a specialist to talk about potential options (liver biopsy, going to a medical center with a good hepatology department) and we set up a follow up appointment, which I went to yesterday. And at yesterday's appointment there was nothing new to talk about. I ended up getting a ton of blood work done (more extensive studies of blood levels having to do with the liver) but I was totally under the impression that had already been done. Guess not. I'm hoping that it'll shed some light on the problem.

The car issue is almost funny. A few months back I mentioned how basically the entire thing was rusted (the undercarriage, I think it's technically called??), which I didn't know to look for when I bought it. So we first got the front fixed because it was completely unsafe to drive (it was literally wobbling - not shaking, wobbling) and that was a pretty penny and now the back part is starting to go. We knew it would happen, it just sorta has bad timing. I asked the mechanic if it was safe to drive and he said, "Well, you're fine driving around town and everything. But don't go on the interstate. You take this on the interstate and you're gambling your life. So no trips to Asheville." 

Guys, guess where my school is. 

I told him and he said it's okay if I take the back roads. So it'll be slow going. 

Me making my way to school.

But just trying to think about the good stuff. Like school. And continued weight loss. This is a shitty picture, but here's what I look like now: 

  

Mind you, some of the weight loss is probably due to medicine/sickness since I'm not putting that much effort into it, but.....whatever.

My goals for the last month went pretty good. I read a ton of books (over my goal of six), I finished reviewing The Underland Chronicles (though my reviews sort of sucked since it's been nine months since I read the books..... must start reviewing things sooner). I went outside more than usual, although it's been raining a crazy amount here, which makes it even more difficult. I posted five book reviews (over the course of that month and a half). I've not been eating wonderfully, but I've managed to still not go back to the horrid eating habits of days past. I wanted to lose ten pounds but only lost six, but that's okay. I started those depo provera shots which my doctor warned might make me gain weight (and I have noticed an increase in appetite at times) and I still managed to lose something, so I'm counting that a win.

My goals for this month...

1. Lose ten pounds (just keeping this a standard).

2. Read five books. 

3. Write seven book reviews. 

4. Keep up on bullet journaling.

5. Write the second posts in at least two unfinished series (maybe the Harry Potter vs. Hunger Games and Books to Read With Friends series??). 

June Into July | 2016

Eight days in and I'm finally writing this month's post.

I haven't prioritized blogging at all lately, and for the most part I'm okay with that. I've been sick a lot, I've been in the hospital twice this month, so when I'm feeling good I'm more interested in reading or hiking or doing yard work to try and make that $$ than I am in blogging. I'm sure this will change as summer fades, but for now it's what's up. 

But I'm not ditching it all together. I'm still trying to keep up with some book reviews over on Filthy Casket. And I'm going to try to get at least one blog post up over here per week, but I'm not stressing over it. 

Since I wrote last month's post so late, I'm just going to cheat and extend those goals through this month. #ambition #not They were: 

1. Get outside more So far so good.

2. Read six books I've read eight and a half! I'm on a reading roll. Give me some butter. This month I'd specifically like to chip away at my summer reading list. 

3. Post five book reviews I've done two so far.

4. Finish the reviews of the books in The Underland Chronicles I've not done any since making that goal...

5. Eat better meh, somewhat so far.

6. Lose ten pounds I've lost three at this point.

So those are my goals for the rest of the month. 

I wanted to keep this post short and I don't have a ton to say, but it seems wrong to not mention some of the things going on right now. For the moment I'll leave it at just saying that my heart is heavy for Alton Sterling and his family, Philando Castile and his family, and the officers and protesters shot in Dallas and their families. And especially for Cameron, Sterling's 15 year old boy, whose sobs haven't left my mind since the night I heard them on TV. 

__

Charlotte

May Into June | 2016

ugly but very productive tomato plant

The blogette hit 10,000 views a few days ago. It's not like that's a ton of views considering it's been around a few years, but I've basically been assuming Liz was my only reader. So either Liz has been here 10,000 times or more than a couple of people read it. ;) Anywho, it's a tad exciting. The blog isn't wildly popular, nor do I want it to be (unless it's so popular that I can make a living writing about Harry Potter baby names). But it is fun knowing there are a few readers that enjoy (or hate-read???) this space.

It's June 16, so I really shouldn't even bother writing this month's post, but hey. Better late than never, yes? It's been sitting in my drafts folder for a while now.

May was alright. I was in the hospital again, but didn't have to endure any 2+ day stays, so that was cool. I feel like my health is declining, but also like I'm becoming more resilient? I've been doing yard work and handyman-ish jobs to try and keep up on the bills. There are days/times when I can't do anything, but on my so-so days I'm alright to go work. I've been trying to push through the pain a bit more. I'm not great at knowing when that's a good idea or not, though. Sometimes I'll try to get out and either work or just get some fresh air and then I'll deeply regret it a few hours later when I'm puking or writhing in pain. Other days I push through the pain and then feel great.

I had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy since I have the body of a 50 year old, apparently. The docs were hoping to get hints as to what's going on with my abdomen (and especially my liver), but they weren't totally convinced they'd find anything. They mostly thought it was prudent to check things out. They did find some abnormalities... but nothing (as far as I know yet) that would explain the liver issues. The one thing I really, really complained about (to my friends, not to my doctors) was the colonoscopy prep. I wasn't concerned about the effects of the solution. I knew it'd suck but like, everyone has had the stomach bug, so whatever. (Gross to write about on a blog? Probably! Sorry, three readers.) But the taste of the solution. I literally cried throughout the process of drinking it. It made me gag and puke and I can't explain how hopeless/helpless I felt the entire time. It's really a pathetic feeling - "This nasty drink is going to be the end of me! I literally cannot do this. I cannot."

     

But. Yesterday I found out that the polyp they found was precancerous, so... I will never again complain about getting a colonoscopy. Before it was biopsied, the doctor who removed it told me he was glad I had the procedure because normally colon cancer in young people takes longer to diagnose since colonoscopies aren't usually performed until age 50. He has a 32 year old patient who has colon cancer. Even though we hadn't known it was precancerous at that point, he was relieved I had it removed. I'm super glad, too. After I typed it out to some of my friends yesterday it hit me that, like, holy shit! Had I not had this procedure I might have gotten cancer five years from now. I'm looking at colonoscopies every few years now, which sucks, but again... can't complain.

By the way, regarding the prep: I figured out a tolerable way to drink it. I read on a few different sites that it was better cold, but that putting ice in it was a big no-no. So I tried putting the bottle I used inside a bowl that was filled with ice, but that didn't help. I also was told by friends and by the internet AND by the pamphlet that a straw might help... I drank two liters with a straw and cried the whole time.

Eventually, I did two things that seemed to help. I filled up water bottles and put them in the freezer for 15-25 minutes. This way they weren't frozen, but they were ice cold. I won't say it made the solution okay, but it made it much less "kill me now." Also, I got rid of the straw. I don't know why the straw made it worse for me, since a lot of people seem to prefer it. But I was much, much better at just chugging an entire almost-frozen bottle than I was sipping through a straw. I'd get them down in about 7 minutes. (Chug for like 30 seconds, try not to gag, give yourself a pep talk for two minutes, chug for 30 seconds, repeat until done.)

Also, and I realize this sounds corny, but I was finally just like, "Jesus, you gotta help me." I think I was more polite than that, but really. I don't care what anyone says, drinking this was hard. I'd prefer enduring physical pain for a little while than drinking this poisonous crap. I felt stupid asking God to help me drink bowel prep solution, but like, whatever. Maybe that was a lesson. Nothing too small. I'd have tried the whole "offer it up" thing, but I was too busy gagging to think any coherent thoughts while actually drinking.

went to google to search for an appropriate gif for my prep-solution-prayer. found this instead.

As for last month's goals... 

I didn't do too bad. I called my friends. I didn't send letters to my friends, though. On my list! I think I read five books? My goal was six. But I read Half Blood Prince twice. Does that count? ;) I wrote four book reviews in May, which is four more than I wrote in April - excellente. I lost around 10ish pounds. Not only did I look into classes, but I enrolled at a nearby community college. I did not go kayaking, but I spent most of the month sick, so... (I'd be physically capable of kayaking on some of my good days, but I'm not keen on being out in the middle of nowhere, in a body of water, alone, and then having one of my severe attacks. Maybe I'll grow a pair at some point. We'll see.)

weight loss progress pic

And this month's goals:

1. Try getting outside more. I'm in pain, but like... when I'm below a 6 on that 1-10 scale I can try a little harder to get out.

2. READ SIX BOOKS, DAMMIT CHARLOTTE.

3. Post five new book reviews.

4. Finish the book reviews for the Underland Chronicles. It's been months since I wrote the review for the third book. Let's not make it years.

5. Eat better (+ more fiber).

6. Lose 10 pounds. This is when things get tricky. Losing weight is always hardest when I'm closest to my goal weight. I'd like to reach 180 by late September, assuming my health doesn't get even more wild.

That's it for now. ;)

Charlotte 

April Into May | 2016

I cant believe how crappy I feel. I had a nifty little procedure done on Wednesday where they went into my bile duct and cut away some muscle (sphincter of Oddi? lol) and it went well... but my pancreas became irritated. Beforehand they told me I had about a 15% - 1 in 6 - chance of developing pancreatitis, so I wasn't completely shocked to wake up in pain, but... it's not pleasant either. I ended up needing to stay in the hospital while they pumped me with fluids and medicine and let's just say there were a lot of ups and downs when it came to testing out whether or not I could hold food down. When I was finally able to eat a cracker without feeling like death, I was deemed okay enough to travel back to NC (the procedure was done by specialists in Charleston). The doctor is pretty terrific and has called to check on me several times.. but I'm not doing great. It seems mostly that my pancreas is still just irritated. I get nauseous pretty frequently (but not constant, so that's good!) and my pain hasn't really let up. I'm on medicine for the pain and I hate it. Aside from wanting to just not have to take meds, they make me loopy and sort of sad? Like I take the medicine and an hour later I'm sitting on my bed thinking all of my saddest thoughts. fun. stuff. I'm scared that if the pain continues they're going to want to admit me again (to flush me with nonstop fluids, preventing the pancreatitis from becoming severe), so fingers crossed that doesn't happen. 

My birthday was yesterday and I was well enough to eat a small piece of cake, though. That was my biggest concern. Cake is more important than most other things. I rounded out the night with a midnight viewing of Bring It On (it's on Netflix now! Yay!) and a second (but tiny!) piece of cake.

Some things that happened this month: 

I got a kayak for my birthday! It is blue, but the bottom is white. After we bought it we put it inside the car (my car has a rack on it... my aunt's car does not) and it was hilariously bad, with the front of it all the way up to the windshield. When I turned to the left, instead of seeing the driver's seat, I just saw the kayak. And since all I could see was the white part, I have named said kayak Moby Dick. I got it right before surgery, so I haven't taken it out yet. As soon as I feel better! 

Oh! This probably should have been in that top paragraph, but I'm too lazy to fix it. Here's an epic story. (If you are queasy about needles, do not read this part.) I am awful when it comes to getting the iv placed. I am generally poked an average of three or four times before they can successfully place an iv in my veins. I don't know why. It doesn't bother me anymore, and I'm fine with needles now. (All except needles in the mouth. I am a wimp when it comes to those.) WELL. They had to get the anesthesiologist to place my iv because it just wasn't happening. So she numbs my hand (which is nice.. the hospital here does not do that) after finding a vein. But once the numbing stuff is in, the vein is lost. She poked around a bit for it, and I felt some of it, but that's not entirely unexpected on my part. Numbing stuff does not seem to work great on me. So she tries again. Then she goes to my other hand and tells me, "I found a vein. I can numb your hand again, but last time I did that, the vein disappeared..." So I told her to just do it without the numbing medicine. Needles in the hands suck for sure, but again, the hospital here doesn't do it so I'm used to it and it's not the worst pain in the world. She was in there for a minute or two and then found a vein... but there was a valve (I think? Something?) blocking the iv from going in all the way. 

At this point my blood also decided it'd be fun to leak everywhere, including me, her, and the floor. This was a first for me, but I'm not queasy about this kind of crap anymore. But then she asked someone to go get wire small enough to fit through the iv and I was hella confused. She explained that she was going to try snaking the wire through the iv to open the valve, allowing her to push the iv in all the way. 

Gross.

But I was game, because I'd prefer that (after being assured it wouldn't hurt - weakling) to being poked five more times. So that's what she did. I was sort of disgusted but also intrigued and I couldn't not watch someone thread a wire through my vein. There was happiness from everyone in the room when it worked and then she and I fist bumped, because we cool, we cool. 

I don't like being sick all the time, but in my quest to look for silver linings, I can't help but feel a little more badass when things like this happen. Adding to my street cred repertoire (ask me about the time I had to hold a needle in my own hand while a nurse ran to get something...).

Moving on to bigger and better things... 

I worked at a farmer's market for approximately ten seconds. The boss refused to pay me more than $9 (I had asked for $10) even though he offered a man $12 to do it (especially infuriating because it's not like we'd be doing anything differently - and he didn't have any more experience than I do). I put up with it because I want money. But then this mothaeffa made things even worse. He changed the set up at the stand, which is fine, but when I gave my opinion he was beyond rude. Like, calling me "girl" and getting all patronizing. Later that day he asked me why I needed to eat dinner if I ate lunch. And I still held my tongue. But then when it came to paycheck time he took off around 4 or 5 hours worth of pay. He said he wasn't paying me for travel time, even though that was the agreement. (For a different job with an actual living wage and more hours, I wouldn't demand something like that for a 45 minute commute. But at $9/hr for part time, inconsistent hours - yeah. I'm not using a third of my pay on gas.) I told him I couldn't do it without travel and that was that. Every - legit every - woman who works for him came up to me in the next few days to tell me they were glad I stood up to him. He treats his female employees like crap and it is disgusting to behold. It's made especially worse because he tries to preach the Bible to everyone - something I'd actually delight in if it weren't paired with anti-Christian actions, but hey. 

I'm still working in the greenhouse now and then (hospital stays have sort of interfered with that...) but I'm hoping to get a real job now - something I'm good at, enjoy, and can rely on for hours and pay. Fingers crossed... again. 

I may have had no clue what I was doing at the farmer's market, but at least it was pretty. 

In other exciting but potentially dangerous news, I discovered bookoutlet.com. Oh man. OH MAN. So many deeply discounted new books, dirt cheap used books, and good sales! It has taken great self control to not go use every penny I have on books. Even more wonderful, they participate with ebates.com. So I go on my ebates account, click over to book outlet, and boom. Cheap books plus a couple of dollars back! Can't get enough of it. I bought four books for like $9 the other day (not including shipping) and was pumped. Go check it out. Unless you're trying to save money. Then don't. 

Speaking of books and money... I did okay on my goals for last month. I saved over my goal of $200. Unfortunately, I had to use some of it after I ended up staying in the hospital, but I still have some left. I sort of read six books... I read four (or five) books for the first time and then.. reread two of the Harry Potter books. Go on, judge me. I went to the Y a bunch of times, but then got knocked off course big time after the hospital and then with GI appointments and ultrasounds and surgery. I did not go to Asheville to ask about classes (on next week's to-do list, assuming I'm feeling okay!) I didn't write ANY book reviews!!! But I have started some. I have to get back on the blogging horse, for real. I don't remember how many recipes I've tried, didn't keep track of that one at all. I didn't talk to Steph about Chapel Hill because my car is falling apart (literally - I keep finding little pieces of my undercarriage in the driveway...) so that's not in the cards right now. And I lost some weight - 7 pounds, not 10. But I'm counting that a success. 

Ignore apparent dirt/mess - this is not my bathroom, it just had a conveniently placed mirror.

This picture is saved in my computer as "Awful." I took it on a day when I thought my weight loss was actually showing - and then I saw this picture and realized I look preggo. Great! But really, I am losing weight. Slowly but surely.

As for this month's goals: 

1. Call my friends more. Most of my friends texted me or reached out to me on facebook yesterday to wish me a happy birthday. Stephanie called me, and after I hung up I felt so good having spent a little while just talking to my friend and actually hearing her voice. It is nice to actually laugh with your friend instead of typing out a stale "lol." I want to make calling my friends a priority. I'm sure it'll only happen once or twice a week, but that's still way more often than I currently manage. 

2. Along that same line of thought, write to my friends more. I used to do this all the time! But a few months ago I started slacking and I never really got back into it. 

3. Read six more books. I've read just under 20 books so far, which means I'm pretty much on track to reach my goal of 60 books this year! I need to make sure I keep up with it. 

4. REVIEW SOME DAMN BOOKS, CHARLOTTE. 

5. Lose eight pounds. 

6. Go to Asheville to look into classes.

7. Go kayaking at least three times.  

I'm hoping I can muster the energy to achieve these few goals. I purposely left my list a little short this month, just in case.    

bonus gif for your enjoyment

See ya next month, babettes.

__

Charlotte

March Into April | 2016

It's near miraculous that I'm publishing the monthly post before the new month is half way over, I know. Things have been wild. The least wild but most annoying thing was that my computer automatically updated and I have no clue how to upload my pictures now. So instead of painfully cute pictures of babies in Easter dresses or photos of my brand new bed, it's free stock photos until I figure it out! Woo! 

I just wrote an update on my medical sitch yesterday - that was the main event of the month, and it derailed a lot of my plans. It also set me back on some of my reading/writing/exercising goals (I am the little dog in this scenario), but.. life goes on. Thankfully.

Speaking of my exercise plans... I signed up for the Y. I've already mentioned that. But two days after my discharge from the hospital, they called and said I should meet with a coach to get a tour. I checked with my doctors to make sure I wasn't going to accidentally kill myself if I work out and then I went in to make an appointment with a coach. Well the day arrives, I'm in more pain than any other day since leaving the hospital, but I decide to go. The bad thing about having depression for years is that you have depression for years. The good thing is that you really start to know yourself and your habits. I knew that if I cancelled the appointment, even though it would have been totally acceptable, I would end up never going back. So I went to the appointment. I mostly assumed it was going to just be a tour.. and not an hour and a half long work-out.

LOL. Ask me 'bout my liver pain after.

But I did it and I did not die and I'm fine and I feel mentally good about it. So there's that. I'm hoping to go back tomorrow, despite some flaring up of pain today. (I've also been feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded, so let's hope a fever is not on the horizon - aside from missing out on the Y, that also means an ER trip. No thanks!)

I'm a slacker and wrote that top half of the post, like, three days ago and never finished. Since then I've gone to the Y (lol almost died almost died but didn't die, didn't die) AND I've figured out (sort of) how to import my photos. Aforementioned cute (and suspicious?) baby:

Swooooooooon. And new bed:

Another swoon, yes? I live with family so my bedroom is basically a hodgepodge of different kinds of furniture. The bed and the shelf/cabinet are mine... but the shelf isn't meant for a bedroom. It definitely looks out of place, but I love it and I look forward to putting it in an apartment one day. It's odd living in a bedroom but still having other people's style in it - the dressers, some of the pictures on the walls. But the new bed and curtains have got me <3 <3 I'm much happier now that there's a little bit of my own personality in the room.

So yes, those were the main things this month: hospital, family for Easter, new bed, and trying to make a habit of going to the Y. I'm still working in the greenhouse part time, and I'm pretty sure it's helping me lose weight because it gets well over 100 degrees in there. Sweating the pounds off.

April may be less productive since I'll likely be at the hospital in Charleston for a couple of days - and I'm not sure what they're even doing, so I don't know yet if there's a recovery or not. It's a little overwhelming so I'm trying not to think about it much until I know more details.

I'm keeping my expectations kind of low this month because I know it's going to be dominated by the medical stuff, but I did manage to throw together some goals:

1. Go to the Y at least four times a week (eventually I want to go five days a week).

2. Go to Asheville to ask about taking classes.

3. Read six books (I'm behind, but not so far that I can't still reach my goal of 60 books this year).

4. Review at least five books on Filthy Casket.

5. Save at least $200 (this is hard because I have usually around $100 a week in medical bills LOLOLOL).

6. Talk to Stephanie about a Chapel Hill trip.

7. Try at least five new, healthy recipes.

8. Lose ten pounds.

I think that's enough to be getting on with. :)
__
Charlotte

Today

DOUBLE RAINBOWWWW (not mine, but it conveys my attitude at the moment)

My days have been starting off kind of rocky because I usually wake up with back pain, very tired from nights of restlessness. Today was no different, but I reached over and grabbed Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows off of the floor and read it for a good hour or two. That's a nice way to start the day. I took my sweet ass time getting dressed. (I work only a few days a week, but on my "off days" I'm extremely tired. "Work" is doing things in a greenhouse, the sun beating on me for hours, temperatures reaching into the 100s. It is not easy. I am therefore very lazy on my off days.) I shared this blog post about being a Catholic and a progressive and declared my plan to go vote for Bernie Sanders. It quickly received a ton of new views and people tweeted it and that always makes me a little uneasy - new people reading?! Will they think I'm nuts? You know, the usual thoughts. But I didn't stress about it. I got in the car and took the long way to the polling place so that I could see the pretty mountain views on my way. I complain about being in the south a lot, but I have to admit that I live in a really, really pretty area. I voted (for Bernie! I had the biggest, cheesiest smile while doing so and I didn't care one bit about the glances). My "TAX THE RICH" bumper sticker was stolen off of my car (this is how I feel about that).

I was treated to pizza for lunch. It was perfect weather. I usually bump the radio and the air conditioner in my car, but it was just so nice that I opted to roll my windows down instead. Felt great, though not the best look for my hair. I stopped at the YMCA. I joined! I'm so super stoked. I was unpleasantly surprised when they asked to take my picture right then and there - immediately regretted keeping those windows rolled down. My hair had been pulled back into a tight bun, but the wind... messed that up. I legit looked like this:

But that's okay, my mood couldn't be brought down. Today has been almost strange because of how good I felt. I was in moderate pain all day. There are things that are stressing me out. But today. Today was just nice. I don't know if it was the Harry Potter, the voting, or the YMCA. Whatever it was, can I have more of this tomorrow? And the day after? And the day after that? What's more, this doesn't feel like a little spurt of energy. Sometimes when you're depressed you'll get into these wonderful moods that last anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks. You think up grand plans, you feel on top of the world.

Today did not feel like that. It was just a good day. I figured I ought to share it here, because there's nothing people love more than reading the tiny details of another person's day.   

Am I right?




...no, probably not.

Off to read some more Harry Potter and eat some chocolate chip cookies. <3
__
Charlotte

February Into March | 2016

'pologies for the crappy picture. took it mainly to show my bud Liz a pic of my new-to-me shoes and sweater.

Hello, party people! 

I've been ever so consistent with these monthly posts. (/sarcasm) Things have been extremely busy lately - both good busy and bad busy. I think the last time I wrote a legit monthly post was October/November?? And then I got into an accident, derailing, um, everything. But things feel like maybe perhaps possibly they are on the upswing. Sort of.

So yes! Things went a little haywire. But I'm trying to get back into my mediocre blogging habits - a hefty step up from my current slacker situation. I did manage to get a book review up today! Wooo! Did something!

In all seriousness, I have been doing things lately. Liiike: 

1. Made this:

Let me tell you, actually doing the things I save on Pinterest is hella satisfying. Plus, this was fun AND productive. I get to watch it grow which is nice, but I'm also making about ten more to be sold ($ holla) at the store I help out at. Exciting. Unless no one buys them, in which case I'll be a 24 year old with hurt feelings and 11 gnome gardens. Prospects! Speaking of that store - I've been helping out a few hours here and there and it feels good to be a semi-productive member of society again. Unfortunately...

2. Paying Bills

Alright, listen. I'm glad to pay my bills, and the weight that slowly lifts off the old shoulders is terrific with each payment. But I also feel as though I'm living a near-constant anxiety attack because, well, my life is just wasting away. Am I being dramatic? A little! But here's the thing: a few months ago I hatched out the beginnings of a plan. It was a back up plan. It involved staying in the south instead of moving back to my beloved Albany. But it did involve moving. And the plan heavily relied on banking all of the money I'd make at that garden store. (As much as possible anyway. I still have basic bills, obviously.) But... bills. I've got basically mountains of medical bills, and I've been adding to them because... 

3. Fixing my mouth

Yeah, that was weirdly worded. I've had problems with my teeth for years, and I'm finally at a point where I can do something about it. So I've got dentist bills, oral surgeon bills, primary bills, and even a shnazzy emergency room bill. I found an awesome dentist and I'm getting less and less terrified with every appointment (although... still can't stop myself from shaking uncontrollably every. single. time.). So at the moment my plan has taken a back seat to this. I can't save much money at all, so it looks like I won't be moving by summertime. Definitely by next winter though (I have the added motivation of my family moving here - so I will definitely be out of here, if it means I'm living out of my car). Really, my dental issues are almost resolved, so hopefully even before winter. I'm disappointed about the postponement, but I'm also glad I'm getting everything fixed. I am so looking forward to the day when I'm not in pain and when I can actually chew. It's going to be glorious. 

4. Other medical stuff

I hesitate to write this, fearing I may jinx it, but..... it is starting to feel like my medical problems are truly clearing up. KNOCK THE F ON WOOD, EVERYONE. I still get abdominal pain sometimes, and I don't know if it's my bile duct or not, but I do know it's manageable. The endometriosis... well, it's still there. I have killer cramps sometimes, but for the most part, otc pain meds are enough (knock on wood again). I don't like that birth control is just a bandaid and that I still have stuff growing on my organs, but... I can't worry about it right now. I want just a leeettle bit of stability, and then I'll tackle it again. I do still have bad back pain and sometimes-bad shoulder/collarbone pain from the accident. It's really not fun, and some days it knocks me out. But at least it's not as though I'm facing another surgery. So that's hopeful. 

I swear, the very moment I finished writing that paragraph I got a sharp cramp in my lower abdomen. DAMMIT, CHARLOTTE. (Cramp now gone. Know the drill, knock on wood.)

5. Other mentionables - 

Oh, gosh. My car. I was driving around one day when I hit a tiny bump and WHAM. My car honestly felt like it was going to fall apart. I got out to check the tires, because it straight up felt like an entire wheel fell off - so I assumed that I had a tire blow out. But... everything looked fine. I could tell something was very wrong. I could also tell it wasn't just the tires. (And I was met with several, "Why do you think you know everything?!" comments when I said I felt it wasn't just a matter of new tires. Um, because I'm driving it and sometimes you just KNOW what you feel?!) Turns out that when I bought the car, it was majorly screwed up. The entire underside is rusted and my control arms were... not good. One was cracked and busted, the other was literally not there. Not good! Like I said, I was able to get it fixed thanks to my grandparents, but the mechanic let me know that the back of the car isn't looking great either, and that due to the amount of rust, it's probably going to cost the same amount. Not looking forward to the day I have to fix it. Anyway, lesson learned and next time I buy a car I will have a mechanic look at the entire thing. Including the undercarriage. I'm a little less in love with my car than I used to be after this whole affair. 

Less stressful news - I've continued to lose weight. My current weight is the lowest it's been in like, five or six years. Some diet changes have helped, but I've also tried to exercise a bit more. I'm looking into joining the Y, so if that happens I'll really be on my way.

What other riveting adventures can I talk about? Hmmm. 

None. 

False! There are some more. I've finally watched Parks and Rec. I watched the first few episodes a couple of years (or months, who knows) back and I wasn't wildly fond about it. But my friend Joe told me to just get past the first season. So I gave it another try and oh my gosh I loved it. I'm sad I finished it, I want more!!!! In that same vein of second chances, I've just restarted 30 Rock. Here's hoping! I'm also a happier woman lately because my tv shows are back in black, baby. My friend let me use her Hulu, so I've been able to watch The Mindy Project again. Mindy, I've missed you. Grey's Anatomy has returned and I don't care what anyone says, I love the show and I will always watch it. Too many seasons my ass. (I actually happen to think it's getting really good again!) Once Upon a Time returned last night - that show is truly perfect for me. It's so corny. I love it. And Agents of Shield returns tomorrow, super pumped for that. Because I'm a loser (and had pain meds helping me get through it) I binged watched Fuller House this weekend. And I am beyond excited to watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt when it returns. I never used to like tv this much. I don't know what's happened to me. 

Fear not, I haven't abandoned books. In fact, I finally got a library card here. I walked out of there feeling like a million bucks. Which is weird, but whatever. I've always been a multiple book at once person, but lately that habit is on steroids. I'm so busy and my moods fluctuate so I'm reading like 10+ books at once - sometimes I want autobiography (just finished Yes Please by Amy Poehler), sometimes I want whatever Emma Watson is reading (almost done with The Color Purple), other times I want mystery... and oftentimes I just want to reread Harry Potter. I'm still very confident that I'll reach my goal of 60 books this year... I'm just doing it a little differently than usual. Maybe I'll write a post about all the books I'm currently reading... I'm sure there's nothing more thrilling than that. 

The books I absolutely want to finish this month: 

The Color Purple

1984 

Out of the Silent Planet (the first book in C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy) 

I'm actually going to pass on setting non-reading-related goals for this month, because I'm mainly focused on getting my teeth fixed and paying some of my bills. I know realistically I won't be focusing on much else, and I'm alright with that for now.     

Why yes, a close up is necessary. (As is a polishing...)

__

Charlotte     

Things Lately

And the award for Most Neglectful Blogger goes to.... 

I haven't written my normal weekly posts in a couple of weeks and I completely failed to write my monthly post, as well. Fail! Things have been more hectic than usual. Car accidents, tons of doctor appointments, and physical therapy that sometimes leaves me in hella pain are to blame. But I'm trying to get back to regular blogging... slowly. Very slowly. My neck, shoulder, and collarbone are not so hot lately, and it's made things surprisingly frustrating. Nothing catastrophic, but certain days are better than others and let's just say I've never realized how important not injuring your collarbone is - doing my hair, pushing a shopping cart, reaching for clothes in my closet, and sometimes even reading (holding up a book) and typing on the computer have all become pain-inducing activities. (Also, insurance companies are the worst and it looks like I might need to get a lawyer. Not happy about that.) 

Random pic of that time someone
suggested I "just try and blow dry it straight!"
lol k.

It's been pretty busy here, with my appointments plus the appointments for my grandparents, and my grandma recovering from her time in the ICU. Plus - Christmas. It seems I am the designated shopper and gift wrapper over here, and there are over nine people to wrap for (including Santa gifts) so that adds up and I'm at the point where "I never want to wrap another gift, ever!" The blog isn't the only thing I've dropped the ball on, either. I haven't sent out Christmas cards yet (= I haven't even purchased Christmas cards yet, and I'm honestly considering just sending out a jolly ol' "Merry Christmas" text day-of instead...). I bought and wrapped gifts and have yet to send them out. I'm just the picture of organization these days. I'm trying to chill and not worry about things. It's been a rough couple of months and no one is going to be upset about receiving their gifts a few days late. *I'm* the only one who will care, and I need to just get over it. 

I'm also struggling to stay semi-optimistic about el futuro. My plan was to go back to New York in January, and I'm having second thoughts. Even with a job that pays 30k, paying rent would be really hard in New York. I could do it easy peasy if I was splitting rent with a roommate but it'd be very tight living on my own. So now I'm considering staying in NC for a little while longer, but not staying with family. Rent is cheaper here and so are most utilities and other expenses. Gas is usually at least 25 cents cheaper, my car insurance is half of what it is in New York, etc. I'd much rather be in Albany, but if that's not possible.... let's just say there's been a lot of stressing, pacing, and number crunching. We'll see. (I also think it'd be almost impossible to manage school in NY because living alone would necessitate long work hours.) Trying to make a life is hard. 

I've haven't been completely behind, though. I've started prioritizing reading again. I finally, finally, FINALLY read A Christmas Carol. I've been procrastinating on that for literal years. I've also been reading another Blogging for Books pick, 2am at The Cat's Pajamas, which is turning out to be better than I expected. And I've got a hot little line up for the rest of the month: Pride and Prejudice (started, not finished) and The Great Divorce (started, not finished). Oh and speaking of books and Christmas, I highly encourage everyone to hop on over to Filthy Casket and check out our new Christmas header. I think I like it better than our normal one. Liz and I also have some fun posts lined up (think "best of" and "worst of" lists) so stay tuned, I'm sure I'll link to them at some point. 

Speaking of links... I mentioned that I've skipped those link posts a couple of times. My not-so-efficient method is sending links to myself on Facebook and then cutting and pasting when I finally do write those posts. Which means... I now have three weeks' worth of links sitting in my inbox. Holla. So I'm going to just forget about most of them. There are some good ones I'd like to share, though. Most importantly, the trailer for Fantastic Beasts!! It's out!! I'm absolutely dying of excitement and awe. There's also this funny testament of friendship: Tina Fey hid Amy Poehler from Donald Trump so she wouldn't have to talk to him.

Also, can we talk about the perfect dress Amy Poehler wore the other night? Swooooon.

Some more:

Liz wrote this review of The Instant Happy Journal. If you order it soon it could make a nice gift!

Aaron Rodgers' game winning Hail Mary pass may or may not have made me cry tears of joy for the Packers. 

Remember how I was just talking about making life plans? Part of that is money. (lol lack thereof)

The earth is pretty terrific. I liked this picture.

I love so many of these living rooms!! I'm not fond of the minimal look. Cozy is the way to be.

This blogger wrote about her experience as a girl. It's a string of violence, and it's an important read.

So Trump justified his position on Muslims in America by citing FDR's use of internment camps. Well, FDR's granddaughter had a bit to say about that.

This blogger lost her daughter almost a year ago. Here she writes about grieving during Advent.      

We already knew this but now they've put studies to it: All politicians are liars.

Literary baby names! A post that includes all my favorite things: books, babies, and names. (Although some of those are stretches.)

Sometimes I picture my imaginary perfect apartment with my imaginary perfect office and these days that office is home to this framed Harry Potter poster.

And finally, I couldn't help but laugh at these "horoscopes from a bitter astrologist."

Think that's it for this post.  ;)  

__

Charlotte 

August into September | 2015

This is old but I love it and I'm excited for fall.

September.  September!  This month has got my <3.  

I'm so excited for weather with tolerable temperatures.  For the apple festival coming up.  For the days of wearing sweaters.  Autumn is my power season, for sure.  

But this post is supposed to talk about last month.

Ehhhh, last month.  The loneliness of living 12 hours from childhood friends and 16+ hours from the city I lived in for almost six years has hit me pretty hard lately.  I have no friends here.  And I feel like I don't even talk to my friends via social media or phone as much as I used to anymore.  It's not a good feeling.  It's actually like a crushing feeling.    

Moving on. 

1. Medicine

Finally, I was able to start BC again and hopefully it'll kick in before next month because really, I'm over the pain.  

For much of the month, if I wasn't having severe pain I was having dull aches.  And I've had the joy of daily shooting pains down my legs and I think it's related to endo.  And oh man, the nausea and vomiting.  Luckily though, I didn't need to make any trips to the ER this last month.  I know birth control isn't a real solution and that it's just temporary (and I have no clue what I'll do when I'm married) but for now I'm so glad for the relief I'll soon get.  So, so glad. 

2. The first chapter of my book

This is exciting!  I have talked about wanting to write a book for such a long time.  I've finally actually started the real-deal.  I've done a few little things here and there over the last few years, but something feels different this time.  It's more thought out, I'm more consistent about working on it.  I mean, what I've got isn't great, but it's a start.

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Books!  

I haven't read a ton, but I do feel like I've picked up the pace over the last couple of months.  This month's reads included: 

The Tales of Beedle the Bard, finally (loved!)

The Christmas Grandma Ran Away From Home by Nancy Warren (don't judge me too hard - also, it was not great, it had basically no plot) 

The Martian by Andy Weir - SO SO SO GREAT 

The Mysterious Affair at Styles by Agatha Christie - also great!  

(and a [very] short story, 2 B R 0 2 B, by Kurt Vonnegut)

So that brings my total of books read this year to around 20.  I'm probably going to fall short of my goal of 40-50, but it's more than I normally read so I'm happy.  

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Randoms. 

I'm watching the Yankee game as I write this.  So far these clowns have had 18 men on base and only have two runs.  Shameful. 

I'm going crazy.  Aside from being hella lonely, I don't enjoy feeling like an unproductive waste of space.  Sure, I think we focus on "work" too much, but it's been a while since I've had a steady job and I'd just like to feel like a human again.  Every day I have to try and think of things to do (I love reading and writing but staying idle all day is not fun).  It's not the best of situations.  Mainly it's caused by my health issues, but I'm starting to think of putting off thinking about surgery.  If I'm on BC most of my symptoms subside (at least for most of the month) and so maybe I can work... I mean there are occasional bad days but I just don't know what to do.  The surgery isn't definite and there's no timeline yet and I can't just keep putting everything else off.  (Also, one of my goals was to reach out to UNC and Atlanta about the surgeries.  I've reached out to one but not the other.  I'm thinking of scrapping the UNC idea completely, and pursuing Atlanta from NY.  Because again: unbearably lonely and very bored.)

Liz just sent me this on Facebook, captioned, "You." 

Me for sure.  Think of all the exciting things I could do!  Like live!  And go to the dentist!  Woo! 

I'm going back to NY soon and it's stressing me out.  Excited for the proximity to my friends, but scared of living with my family again.

I mentioned loving September and autumn earlier - two big reasons are sports and tv.  Football!  The exciting part of baseball!  And as for tv shows... I'm not a huge television person, but I do have a few shows I watch.  I love Grey's Anatomy, The Mindy Project (which I won't be able to watch since it moved to Hulu - death), and Once Upon a Time.  I recently rewatched the last episodes of Grey's and Once in anticipation and I. am. so. ready.

____________________________________ 

Looking at last month's goals.... I actually achieved most of them.  Woah.  I did not line up a primary, but I have been doing research.  I was sick so couldn't swim or play basketball as much as I'd like, but I made sure to work out every day.  When I'm not feeling well I take advantage of those little windows of pain-free time and just exercise in my room a bit.  Nothing hard core, but it's something.  I wrote blog posts an average of three times a week, so I'm only one post away from my goal.  And I ate fast food a couple of times, but it was because I was on the road.  15 hour long road trips usually require fast food. I read more than I wanted to!  Woot.  I wrote to my friends and tried to take more pictures.  :)  Happy happy. 

____________________________________ 

Goals for September  

Read six books 

Go to church at least once, slacker

Make plan for registering for spring classes

Plan Albany trip 

Enjoy Apple Festival 

Lose at least seven pounds

Figure out details of the move back to NY 

All smiles and no misery. 

__

Charlotte 

July into August | 2015

"I'm going to publish my monthly posts on the last day of each month!" 

Liar 

"I'm going to publish four posts a week!" 

Liar 

"I'm going to post several book reviews!" 

Pants officially on fire.

What a strange month.  It was filled with so many great things: first time going to Disney, having Stephanie over for a few days, losing a few pounds.  But I also found myself in the hospital twice, had an unhealthy dose of family drama, and spent a lot of time questioning my own plans for el futuro.

1. Disney trip 

Already wrote an entire post on this, but I forgot to include this story.  About 40 minutes before the park closed on our last night there, we jumped on line for Space Mountain.  At this point my aunt and one of my cousins decided they were done and sat it out.  When we got off of the ride it was 19 minutes to closing time.  The girls really wanted to do Splash Mountain and, if possible, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.  Those rides were on the complete opposite side of the park so we booked it.  (I'm fairly certain I lost about 10 pounds on the way there from the running/speed-walking.  Thanks, Disney. :D )

We made it over in seven minutes, ran up the line, and got onto the coaster.  The 11 year old and 8 year old were paired together that way Rebecca and I could be paired together (to maximize fun, obv).  

Well let me tell you.  I'm not the smallest person around.  The bars on every roller coaster would NOT go down all the way.  I mean, it was fine, it was keeping us in there, but with more wiggle room than some might be comfortable with.  My aunt rode with me on another ride and genuinely feared falling out.  At first I thought it was happening because I'm.. curvy?  My stomach maybe was in the way?  But then Rebecca pointed out that the bar wasn't even close to my stomach and that it was actually my legs that prevented it from going down all the way.  I don't know if it's because I'm tall or because my legs are thick - probably a combination of both, but wow were we mobile.  The very first real bump on the roller coaster and Rebecca and I went so high out of our seats.  It wasn't scary at all, it was just unbelievable.  I was cracking up and holding on to the side (as to not crush the poor dear) and Rebecca was scream-laughing.  This happened on every curve and bump. 

At some point we realized the woman and her daughter behind us are also cracking up.  I thought they had just been having a good time, but then she screamed, "You two went so high!  You're flying! I can't believe it!"  And the laughing did not stop.  I said something like, "I think I peed a little" and the woman (I think, though maybe it was her daughter or Rebecca?) yelled, "Me too!"  

A little Disney camaraderie.  

When we got off people cheered us on as we tried to get to Splash Mountain.  We were successful.  We were once again given a lot of wiggle room thanks to my legs.  A good time was had by all.  I think.

2. Stephanie Visited

Wrote a post on this, too.  It was a ton of fun and I miss her already.  

3. I was in the hospital - twice

I don't want to go into detail just yet but let's just say it's a nightmare.  Hopefully over the course of the next few months things are straightened out with medicine.  And it's becoming more and more clear that the best bet is the excision surgery (the one that is performed in only a few places throughout the country, joy). 

    

4. A week without wifi or cable

I needed to stay with my cousin in Georgia for a week while her dad was out of town.  There was no wifi or cable.  This isn't actually the end of the world for me, though it is hard when you become so used to having the internet at your fingertips 24/7.

Luckily they have a tv so I brought the vcr/dvd player and some of my grandpa's old movies.  I finally watched all the original Star Wars movies.  I told my friend I liked the last one because of the teddy bears and he was quick to let me know they are ewoks, dammit. 

I brought a bunch of books, too.  I gathered everything I've started but not finished over the years.  I ended up reading three or four. 

5. College Football

I decided I want to follow college sports.  Or, college football and basketball.  I've decided, after not that much debate, that I'm an Ohio State fan.

This was definitely the most important thing I did this month and I couldn't NOT include it in this post. 

_____________________________________

Books! 

This sounds so dramatic but I feel like I'm longing for a good book.  I've read a bunch of books this year and I've liked many of them, but none have been exceptional.  (Well, almost.  Better Than Before was really great, but I guess I'm looking for a novel that moves me.)  I always end up going back to Harry Potter because I love it more than anything else I've read.  Other than HP I think the last book to have a profound impact on me was The Twelve Tribes of Hattie (wrote about it here) and that was over a year ago!  Someone help me.  

This month I read six books: 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (for the second time in 2-3 months..)

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin McManus

Everything Happens Today by Jesse Browner

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Walking With the Comrades by Arundhati Roy

and I've been working on Flannery O'Connor's short stories. 

Still have not finished Pride and Prejudice 

Over all, not bad but not as many as I want to be reading.  

_____________________________________

Links worth looking at.....

Except not.  I'm going to try and just do a post with some links once a week because doing it once a month is hard.  Not only does it mean too many links, but some of the stories are no longer in the news.  

_____________________________________

Happening soon: 

'scuse me as I go wipe my drool.  

I'm going back to NY sometime in the next two months.  I'm simultaneously filled with excitement and dread, so maybe that's another day's post.  I am looking forward to NY food though.  I'm also supposed to make a little trip to Albany in October and I can hardly contain the joy I feel at the very thought of it. 

_____________________________________

Goals for August 

Play basketball at least four times a week

Swim at least twice a week

Write your damn blog posts four times a week

Read at least three more books

Contact UNC and Atlanta about excision surgery

Line up a primary in NY

Send Emily, Alison, and Sera letters

Don't get any fast food meals

Bring my camera with me more often 

Nothing but pretty skies and happy days ahead.

___

Charlotte