Saturday, July 26, 2014

What NOT to Say to Someone Who is Depressed


So I usually share these blog posts on Facebook (duh) and most of the views this blog gets are from people coming via Facebook.  After I wrote the post about depression, a few people who I don't really talk to much sent me messages saying that they're glad someone finally gets it.  Because really, most people don't understand what it's like.  That's not a bad thing - the fewer people who go through it the better.  But it does help to get a sense of what someone feels when they're depressed that way you know how to support them.  
There are a lot of things that are commonly said to depressed people that don't do much good.  The people obviously mean well, but since it's hard to relate, sometimes the advice does more harm than good.  Or it just does nothing.  If you're reading this and you see something you've said listed, chill.  I'm not mad at you and chances are no one else is, either.  We've all said some of the things on this list, myself included.  And I'm fully aware that the things on this list are almost always said out of caring/love/etc.  But (at least for me), the depressed mind isn't always the most rational mind, and it's good to see why these may not be the best things to say. 

1. Toughen up.  

Fairly certain that this is always said by people who like the tough-love stuff.  Which is fine.  And you can say this to me if I'm in the middle of a little crisis, and I'll know you're right.  But if you say this to me while I'm at my worst, I usually just get pissed off.  Because honestly, if someone has chronic depression, the fact that they're alive means they're tough.  If they get up, they're tough.  If you haven't experienced that paralyzing feeling, you can't understand just how difficult it is for a chronically depressed person to do anything.  As far as I'm concerned, if you're depressed and you're making a conscious decision to not hurt yourself, you're the toughest motherfucker around.  You go, Glenn Coco. 

Unfortunately, if you're depressed (and especially if you already have self esteem issues), "toughen up" translates into, "You're weak."  Is that rational?  Probably not.  But I know for me, if I'm really struggling and someone tells me to toughen up, they're telling me that I'm weak.  And if I think I'm being weak I just get angrier at myself and if I'm angry at myself I'm less inclined to do anything to help myself.  

2. At least you're not dying/It could be worse, you could have a real sickness, like cancer. 

Yes, people actually say stuff like this.  My immediate (internal) reaction is typically "fuck you."  

There's a lot wrong with this bit of advice.  First of all, depression IS real.  Just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it isn't real.  An absurd amount of people suffer and die from depression everyday.  

Second, it's like doing a little guilt-thing.  So now on top of being depressed and pissed at you for this bit of advice, I now feel bad for complaining about it because there's a kid dying from cancer somewhere.  I'm not sure, but I think when people say this, they're trying to tap into the "the glass is half full" spirit.  I think.  Not sure.  Because yes, it could be worse.  There's pretty much no condition, mental or physical, that a living human being can have that can't be worse.  Every situation for every single person can always be worse.  How does pointing that out help?  Knowing that a ton of other people are suffering in some way or another - and knowing that there's always the possibility of this being worse - does not make me suddenly happy. 

3. Get over it.

Okay so this one isn't always said out of love.  Sometimes this is just mean spirited OR it's just coming from someone who needs a little help in the field of empathy.  If I could just get over this, I would.  In a heart beat.  That's what I pray for.  But that's not realistic.  If depression was something you could just get over, people wouldn't be killing themselves because of it.  If it's an ordinary day and I wasn't depressed but I was just in some sort of funk, I could probably snap out of that.  If I'm angry because someone talked behind my back, you can (after letting me vent for a few minutes) tell me to get over it and you'd be absolutely right.  But depression is an underlying thing.  It's always there, regardless of your temporary mood.    

Also, what is it that you want me to get over?  I don't even know what makes me depressed, and I imagine that's the case for a solid chunk of depressed people.  Sure, I know some of the contributing factors.  But I don't know which one (if there is just one) that is the absolute worst cause of this.  (Also, there are chemicals involved, but again, people can't SEE the problem, so it's not real.)  And again, now I'm mad at myself for not being able to get over whatever it is that I should get over, if there is indeed something to get over. 

4. Stop being lazy.

Arggggggg.  No.  Am I lazy sometimes?  Hell yeah.  Probably more than the next person.  Lord knows how many times I went and bought new underwear to avoid doing laundry in college.  

However, depression isn't the same as being lazy.  This is especially hard for me because I know I can be lazy and I know the vast majority of my family members are lazy, so I tend to get paranoid and think that I'm not even depressed, I'm just lazy.  I have to remind myself, or one of my friends remind me, of the things that make it pretty clear that I'm not actually just a lazy person.  

If you tell someone who is depressed that they're probably just being lazy, you're probably doing more harm than good because in that moment, the person is just going to become mad at you and then start doubting themselves because what if that person is right?  What if I am just lazy?  And if a person starts thinking like that, not only do they get pissed at themselves and feel more pathetic than before, but now their sickness is disqualified, which can mean a lack of treatment.  Not good. 

5. Just do it. 

Okay, Nike.  This is generally said by that person who sincerely wants to help.  They may have read that exercise is really good for depressed people or that being outside is good for depressed people or that meeting someone new is good for depressed people - they're not wrong.  Those things are true.  

The problem is that we cannot "just do" anything.  There is no way to explain this and it is (understandably) the hardest part for any non-depressed person to swallow.  It has to be super frustrating to try to help your depressed friend and only ever get "no" as an answer.  The only thing you can do, really, in this situation is to try your hardest to understand that your friend is essentially paralyzed.  When it's that bad, there's very little that can get a person out.  Obligations, money, job opportunities, chance to meet a famous person, church - none of it matters.  For me, this isn't an all the time thing.  This is when I'm at my worst, but occasionally a little (teeny tiny) spurt of energy hits and I can do something.  There's no telling when, though, and there's no guarantee that it'll last.  And it's completely beyond control.  So telling someone to "just do it" often adds to frustration.  I already know I'm not doing anything.  I'm already bothered by the fact that I'm not doing anything.  I don't need a reminder that it's clear to everyone else, too. 

6. Are you okay?

So this isn't really wrong to ask, but it's hard to answer.  When I'm asked if I'm okay, I'm likely going to say yes because, hey, at least I'm breathing and walking and stuff.  Depression is broad and complex and honestly if I were to attempt to fully answer that question, we might be talking for hours.  

"Well, I'm not dead so that's good, and I'm glad I'm alive, so that's good so I'm okay as far as that goes.  But I don't really see any chance of anything better so maybe then I'm not okay.  But then again I got dressed today so maybe I am.  But I'm on the verge of a meltdown because I'm two minutes away from not paying any of my bills, so that part's not okay.  But I read a little today, so I'm functioning, so that's okay.  And I'm only in a little bit of physical pain, so that's okay, I guess."  It's hard and exhausting and confusing. 

7. I know how you feel. 

Unless you've been chronically depressed, you don't know how I feel.  That's okay, I don't want you to know and I don't expect you to know.  I kind of just want and expect you to be there when I need you to be.  I'm sure a broken heart after a bad break up really, really, really sucks.  I mean, a broken heart for any reason really sucks.  But please don't try to comfort me by telling me that you know how I feel because you broke up with your boy/girlfriend.  If you've been depressed, you probably know, at least to an extent, how I'm feeling.  But if you haven't you don't.  Again, that's fine.  Good, even.  But often, when someone says they know how I feel because they've had some sort of struggle, I feel some type of negative emotion.  Don't try to equate your feelings to mine.  We're all different and this is mental and emotional stuff so no two people feel the same way, especially when one of those people is depressed.  

(This doesn't mean don't tell us about your struggles.  I mean choose wisely, obviously, the time to tell us, but you don't have to keep your problems from us.  We still have the responsibilities that come with friendship.  Just don't say we're the same.) 

But then what should you say?

1. Instead of saying, "toughen up," try acknowledging how much strength the person has already displayed just by making it through the day.  If you're doing this to me, I'm going to roll my eyes and talk down to myself and respond to you with, "it doesn't take strength to get up and get dressed in the morning.  Everyone should do that."  But when I'm being rational I know better, I know that it's difficult to do anything.  And I feel better after someone tells me I'm strong than I do when someone tells me I need to toughen up. 

2. Instead of saying, "you're not dying/at least it's not cancer," acknowledge that depression is real.  Furthermore, acknowledge that a lot of depressed people struggle with the idea of being alive because it's so difficult.  They do feel like they're dying, very slowly.  

3. Instead of suggesting that the person "get over it," see if they're in the mood to really talk about what it is that's causing pain in the first place.  They might not know.  They might never know.  But I've had friends who have sat and tried to analyze things that are making me feel crappy (that sounds annoying, but the analyzing was done in a non-annoying way, swear it).  And that is better than telling me to get over it.  Trying to figure out some of the reasons for the way I feel is better than thinking "I should just get over it" because that's never going to happen.  Also, it validates the way a depressed person is feeling when their friends can hear what some of the struggles are. 

4. Instead of saying, "stop being lazy," understand that depression is paralyzing.  Tell your friend that even though you haven't been through it, you understand that being depressed is taking away their motivation and will power and desire to do anything.  Don't put your life on hold, of course, but take a day to just sit with your friend and do nothing.  And offer to listen to them, if they're willing to talk. 

5. Instead of saying, "just do it," make a specific suggestion.  You read that getting into an old hobby if good for a depressed person?  Don't tell that person to "just go do something."  Tell them that you think you know something that can cheer them up (not something that can "heal" them - save that for meds and professionals).  Make a plan to come over with some paint and canvasses.  Tell them exactly what to look forward to.  And, barring a true emergency, never ever never ever never ever ever ever cancel those plans.  Chances are, if that person agreed to the plan, s/he has mustered every single ounce of energy on making sure everything is ready.  Getting clothes on, making the bed, vacuuming the living room.  If you cancel, not only was that energy wasted, but the person is probably going to internalize that as "I'm not really that important to my friend" or something along those lines.  Not ideal for someone who is depressed. 

6. Instead of asking if someone is okay, be specific.  Ask how the doctor went.  Ask what's going through their mind at that moment.  Ask if they watched that documentary last night.  If you actually do want the whole conversation about whether or not that person is okay, great, but make time for that.  And be really willing to listen.  

7. Unless you've been depressed, instead of saying "I know how you feel," consider saying (and meaning) "I don't know how you feel, but I can hang out with you if you want.  Offer to help in whatever way the person needs you to.  And really, you need to accept the fact that you definitely don't understand what depression is like.  But, you can empathize and more importantly, you can believe what the person tells you about how they're feeling.  That's hard to do when someone is telling you they "can't get out of bed."  But you need to try.  

I've been on both ends of the "friendship with someone who is depressed" thing, and it sucks.  Being a good friend to a depressed person is fucking work.  But you should also know that depressed people stop talking to a lot of friends, and if they're still making an effort to talk to you, you're very important to them.  And they'll be there in an instant if you ever need it.  And they'll probably be good in the empathy department.  

__
Charlotte

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