Today, because I have literally no clue what to do with my life at the moment and am very, very bored, I'm going to chronicle my latest adventure of cleaning and washing my car. WOW are you in for a treat!
I keep the inside of my car mostly clean. My policy toward the exterior has basically been something like, "nature will handle it." It's rained plenty, and each time it totally counts as a washing. I'm right, you're wrong. Ahem.
Get on track, Charlotte.
Okay so really I think I've washed the car once. Sometime last year, I believe. But a few days ago I looked at my car and was astonished because it was a totally different color than it normally is and I decided that I couldn't maintain my laissez faire attitude toward pollen any longer. "I'm a grown ass woman," I reminded myself. "I need to keep my car clean."
And so wash I did. I mean, I didn't do it well. I tried! I really did. But I think it's safe to say I did not miss my calling by not washing cars. I have actually no clue how professionals get cars so sparkly and wonderful. But yes, it was washed and beautiful and back to its normal color. And because it's the second worst (or hey! third best!) season of the year, it looked like this no more than two hours later:
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| the hood |
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| the windshield |
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| a window |
Effing terrific, so glad I just washed you, beautiful car. Nature: 1 Charlotte: 0
But let's get to the real fun: cleaning the inside of the car.
I don't know if I'm just a little deficient in the cleaning department (add it to my repertoire of deficiencies, bebe) or if dust in cars is a universal terror but good God I was basically swishing around dirt instead of actually picking it up. I'm talking here specifically about the dashboard. Now really, I'm not a Dirty Gerty. I wave the duster thing across the dash around once a month. But somehow it always looks dusty!
I busted out the big guns - handy dandy Mr. Clean (if it's all purpose for a house it should also be all purpose for a car, too, right? Right?!) and gave it an actual scrub and I swear, I'm convinced dust is actually a permanent fixture in the car. I kid you not, there was a moment when I scrubbed with all my might and upon lifting the washcloth saw lingering dust and I sat back in my seat and wondered if I was a total nutter and it was just the material of the car. I mean, this is 20-fifteen, baby, there can be a plastic-rug hybrid material!
Alas, it's just plain old plastic and it has a strong attraction to dust. It looks better now, but it's still not perfect and I'm learning to gtfover it.
Moving onward and upward! Not literally.
I usually put any garbage I may make in the compartment-thing (fancy. wordsmith.) on the door and that's what I cleaned after swishing around dirt on cleaning the dash. This whole process should have taken maybe an hour EXCEPT
Some of that garbage in the door is crinkled up receipts. Which means... I had to come face to face with the realization that I've visited KFC an ungodly amount of times in the last month.
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| Answer: Often |
So my hour long car-washing process bitterly turned into a much longer process as I had what can only be called an existential crisis. I pondered consumerism, depression, eating habits, my own happiness, and mortality. I accepted that the only thing I currently had a grip on was the handle of the stupid Mr. Clean bottle - and not, indeed, on my life.
But joy cometh in the morning and I recovered, once again committed in my mission of cleaning this damn car.
Next came the fun, fun middle of the car - you know, with the gears and the cup holders and the completely random lines/cracks that serve no purpose other than hosting dirt.
No matter how much you try, it's damn near impossible to get the dirt out of all those crevices. I HATE this and I really need to take my car to a professional one day when I have money because they must have surgeon-level-skilled hands and teeny tiny cleaning tools that allow them to remove all that shit. Just look that the mirror controller. WHY does that require so many rectangular houses of dirt? The buttons needed company or something? The person who designed this car (and the designers of most cars) clearly did not have cleanliness on the mind.
Finally, I tackled the bane of my car ownership: the space where dwells the emergency brake.
HOW DOES ONE CLEAN THAT?
I've owned other cars. They do not all have such horrid emergency brake situations. I do not know who designed this, but I do not like him.
It's basically impossible to reach the dust in there. I did try, and totally tried using the washcloth, but when it couldn't fit right, I instead tried using a napkin (likely from KFC) and since the napkin was wet (Mr. Clean), a piece of it tore off, leading to a truly epic episode of paranoia that went something like,
Oh my God, how do I get it out of there?
If I can't reach it and I turn the car back on is it going to explode?!
It's a napkin! WHAT IF IT CATCHES FIRE?
Is this space somehow connected to the engine? Is this going to travel and stop the car from working?
Who in the fuck designed this? He should come clean this for me.
But I was able to retrieve the napkin-miscreant and all was well.
But I was able to retrieve the napkin-miscreant and all was well.
I'm smarter than I sound, I swear.
Tragedy avoided, I sat back and contemplated banning food or anything else that can create a need to clean for .2 seconds, got over myself, buckled up, and started the car. I laughed for a hot sec when I put the air on and remaining Mr. Clean shot out of the vents all over me.
I promptly stopped laughing when my eyelashes failed me and some of that shit got in my eye.
Ah, to be the owner of a car.
* * *
I don't want to sound like an ungrateful B, so let me just make it clear that I'm so glad I'm able to own this car.
Around a year and a half ago, I suddenly found myself in need of a car. Which is fine, except I believe my bank account balance was something like $300. Excellent! It couldn't really be a knock-around car because my job required between two and four hours of travel a day. So it really needed to be a safe car. Well, happenings happened and doings were done and even though I couldn't afford it and I'm still paying someone back for helping me with the deposit, things turned out okay. It just so happened that the car with the right price and mileage was a green Subaru Impreza Outback. I've long loved Subaru Outbacks and Foresters, and green is my favorite color, so that was a nice coincidence. Literally every time I look at my car I feel happy about it.
Within the first couple months of owning it, the car was broken into (nothing was taken - I guess they didn't want my One Direction cd???) and was crashed into by someone who decided against leaving a note. So that cost a pretty penny to fix. But I got over it pretty quickly and mostly handled it like a pro.
Welllllllllll, just weeks after my old insurance policy ended and a new one with a fresh (and higher!) deductible started, someone hit into it again! And declined to leave a note - again! This has been slightly more stressful for me because while it hasn't affected the function of the car, I don't have the money to fix the dent. Usually I have such a laid back attitude about scratches and dents - a friend of mine once backed into my car and I just laughed and called him an ahole and told him not to worry about it - a few little dings add character! But. But! I think it's straight up rude to do significant damage to someone's car and just drive away. That ain't right. So sometimes when I see the dent it puts me in a pissy mood for about one and a half minutes and then I remember I'm driving a beautiful green Subaru and I try and get over it.
I'm going to skip right over the part about the brakes needing fixing (brakes? brake pads?? I don't know, the car makes noises and feels weird when I step on the brake...) and also over the part about the check engine light going on for an O2 sensor. Totally a minor problem, but a $200 minor problem when you're in the midst of trying to go back to school and request transcripts and SAT scores is something that is kind of hard to stomach.
And I've worked pretty hard to stay on top of all the things. Except for once (right around surgery time), the oil is changed like clock work. I keep it mostly clean. It always has a healthy amount of washer fluid and of course, I always keep the radio/cd player happy by only putting the very best of music on - lately the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack, Glee Season 1, Michael Jackson, and a mix cd I made titled "Let Me Clear My Throat" which features a host of goodies from DJ Kool, DMX, and Outkast. Refined taste. Oh and I stuck a lovely "Tax the Rich" bumper sticker on it. Which makes me love it even more, though I wouldn't have thought that possible.
But - really, I love having the car. I have a few friends who loathe owning a car. It does get pricey and maintenance isn't the easiest thing in the world and it needs oil changes and fluids and air filters and omg it's a travelling metal death trap but HEY IT'S A GREEN SUBARU AND I LOVE IT.
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| Behold! |
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Charlotte
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