Health Update

Isn't this so pretty? Unless you fall?

Ugh, I know I have been totally lagging on the blog. I'm working on it. I'm just busy and not feeling too hot. I figured I'd stop in for a quick health update, though. (Here's the backstory.)

I had an appointment last week and got a call right after to tell me I needed to come in for a liver function test. Just blood work, so that's cool. I got the results back today. They came back elevated, but not dangerously so. That was a huge relief. I did not want to be back in the hospital.

Speaking of which, my asshole insurance company sent me a letter telling me they aren't covering the hospital stay. They deemed it "unnecessary" based on their standards; it boiled down to "well, you didn't die." I'm going to appeal because it's absolutely ridiculous and, you know, the whole not dying thing was partially a result of being in the hospital. But hey. I believe the doctor will also send the insurance company something, which is good. I can't wait to be back in New York. My insurance company there was much, much better. Here's hoping I'll be able to get it again. 

They've also scheduled a procedure (I can't remember the name of it, but it's the one where they put a tube down your throat and they'll try to get some pictures of my bile duct, and remove anything if necessary. Hopefully nothing will indicate a need for surgery) for early November. I laughed because I wasn't nervous at all until Liz was like, "That's so soon! Are you nervous?" NOW I AM. Haha, but no, mostly I was fine. 

Until. 

Until they told me they were going to do conscious sedation. I understand it's normal procedure in many places. But they initially told me I'd be under general anesthesia, and while that's riskier, it's less nerve racking. (Yeah, I know that's a sort of paradox.) When I'm in the hospital, I'm fairly laid back. I understate pain and I don't complain about getting blood drawn or about any needles. The one thing that bothers me is air bubbles in the IV. I'm fully aware that they'd have to put an entire bag of air into my body for it to be harmful (because I've asked, well, every time), but it freaks me out anyway, and it makes me very nervous. It's the one thing I'm annoying or panicky about. So I can't imagine being half awake with a tube down my throat as they're looking for something wrong. I can't imagine hearing a beep from one of the monitors and not freaking out. I'd get over it and I'll do it if I have to, but it's causing some anxiety. 

Another potential problem (and I'm going to call them tomorrow to ask about it) is that I am awful when waking up from anesthesia after surgery. I don't want to get into it, but they've concluded that I have PTSD, and waking up is a bitch. I scream and flail and it's not fun. I have no recollection of it, but I know I can't control it and I know it happens when they wake me up - when I'm half awake and half asleep. Conscious sedation keeps you in a similar state. So I don't know if that'll be possible. I guess I'll know more tomorrow.

As for how I am on a daily basis - I'm alright. I'm really tired. Like, very tired. I don't know if that's a physical thing, if it's some sort of effect of the stuff that's going on, or if I'm just mentally exhausted. I just know I'm tired all the time. I have little spurts of energy, but they don't last long. The pain is okay. It's usually tolerable. Most days I can get away without taking any pain meds, over-the-counter or otherwise. I get nauseous frequently, but... I'm usually always hungry. (Though I'm not eating as much during each sitting, so maybe that's why. I can't tolerate all food - it's hit or miss.) Every now and then the pain will last for 20-40 minutes. Those bouts are tough, but it's nothing like the stuff that made me go to the hospital in the first place. Maybe the worst part is sleeping. It's painful to sleep on my stomach or my sides, which is how I usually prefer to sleep. Even sleeping on my back can get uncomfortable. I manage to get enough hours in most nights, but it's frustratingly hard to fall asleep. The doctor mentioned that I might have an intercostal injury or sprain, and I don't know how that would have happened, but I suppose it makes sense with how the pain feels at times. Nothing too bad though. It's tolerable. 

And mentally... I have my moments. I like to think I'm fairly chill about it all. I don't think it's the end of the world. (Liz might be rolling her eyes, rightfully so, because she takes the brunt of my "IT'S NOT FAIR, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS" moments via text or Facebook. She deserves a cake or something.) But generally, I'm good. I try pretty hard to not get all upset or to throw too much of a pity party. Don't get me wrong - it happens, usually several times a day, especially if I have a reminder of what my life was like two years ago. But they're usually fleeting moments, and I get out of it quick enough. I'd be lying if I said part of me wasn't super angry though. I'm just over it. I've gotten blood drawn like 40 times in the last year and a half. I'm sick of sitting there while they try to get veins. I'm sick of going to the doctor and finding out about five new problems I have. I understand it's because I went without medical care for so long, and that things would have been stopped or even prevented, but I'm still annoyed at the situation. It's upsetting that even when I get the liver stuff taken care of, I still have to deal with the endometriosis. It's fucking infuriating that it's hard to get proper surgery for it. I wish I could be healthier, that I could wake up and last an entire day without feeling like I can't keep my eyes open. I miss having a job and wish I didn't have such unpredictable symptoms. 

Hey, I just had myself one of those fleeting pity parties I spoke of. Whatever, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. Perks of having a blog. 

Overall, I'm okay. It's hard to be optimistic all the time, but I've been worse. I'm alright. 

Will be even better if I don't have to undergo any procedures while awake. ;)

__

Charlotte