My Friend and I Were Having a Conversation....

when:

Still cannot stop laughing.

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Charlotte

Being a Burden

We all start out as burdens.  Not devastating burdens, usually.  But for the first 40 weeks of a human's existence, he or she is putting a woman in some sort of discomfort.  Be it sciatica, morning sickness, hormones that make her emotional.  Pregnancy is a blessing for most, sure, but that doesn't mean it isn't a bumpy ride.  Here's the thing, though: being a burden is not inherently bad.  I mean, sure, you might be causing a woman to have shooting pains throughout her legs, but you're also bringing her happiness with your kicks and stuff.  

I watched this video a little while ago, and it reminded me of Brittany Maynard.  I don't want to get into my opinion on whether or not physician-assisted suicide should be legal right now, but I do want to talk about something that I've heard frequently whenever that discussion takes place.

"I don't want to be a burden to my friends and family."

I've heard that from people who are sick, and I've heard it from people who weren't sick, but were trying to make a point.

The problem with that particular argument is that it's too late.  We're all part burden.

I didn't have the most, ahem... loving family experience growing up.  But, I distinctly remember going with friends to their families' homes.  I remember walking into a friend's house and greeting her ailing aunt, who couldn't quite feed herself or finish sentences, or make it to the bathroom every time she needed to go.  She was, frankly, a bit of a burden on her family.  But you know what?  She was a total blessing.  They remember her with nothing but fondness now.  And even then, they were happy to visit her.  No one enjoys helping another person use the bathroom.  No one loves the idea of running up and down the stairs a hundred times at night to refill a water glass.  But we do enjoy each other.  We do love each other.

When it comes down to it, I think we need each other.  Mostly for the good things.  The conversation, the support, the laughter.  But we all come with some bad stuff, too.  I have wonderful friends who I love, but that doesn't mean they never annoy me or that I never wish I could have a break.  But I'd rather deal with their problems than not have them in my life at all.

Yesterday, the daughter of a blogger I read passed away.  She was 22 and she had been a special needs child.  This mom wrote about her daughter for months, and people from all over the country prayed for her to have a peaceful death as it became clear that she didn't have much more time on earth.  I think it was probably very difficult for her family to care for her during that time.  They probably didn't sleep much, they were likely stretched thin.  I know that's how I feel when taking care of someone who is sick.  But I think it was probably worth it a million times over.  I think of my cousin who was killed after a motorcycle accident a few years ago almost every day.  His mom didn't get to say goodbye to him.  None of us did.  A man who heard the wreck held my cousin as he died and I'm so glad he wasn't alone as he left this world.  There are so many people who die suddenly, and so many people who never get to say goodbye to loved ones.  I think, even though it's likely the hardest thing anyone can do, caring for a person as they fall ill and as they die is a sort of blessing.  I mean, it's burdensome for sure.  I don't want to invalidate the struggle of it.  But I think getting to witness someone's last smiles or tears or words or breaths is the kind of pain that's also filled with grace.  Caring for someone you love is intrinsically good.  Supporting someone as they die is an act of love and in some ways, a privilege.  Not everyone is able to do those things.  

I'm religious and I think God makes every person, and I think every life is valuable.  But people who aren't religious can also appreciate that every single human being is different from each other.  Unfortunately, I think we tend to forget how amazing that is, whether we're religious or not.  I think if we did, we'd place higher value on life and on lives.  I think we wouldn't be so obsessed with the fear of being a burden.  Being burdened isn't fun, but it is part of knowing a person.  And knowing a person is a tremendous thing.  I mean, every person we know is a one of a kind.  How come we love owning one of a kind collector's items, but we fail to love knowing so many one of a kind people?  I think we need to remind ourselves of what a privilege it is to really know someone, and to remind ourselves that sometimes, shouldering a burden is completely, totally worth it. 

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Charlotte

Sums it up.

how I feel at the moment

Black Lives Matter

A few years ago a family member of mine, who is white, was chased by police.  He was a felon, he had been in a stolen car, and cops were aware of him.  When he saw them approaching, he ran.  He also had a gun on him.  He entered a nearby business building, pointed the gun (which I'm told wasn't loaded) at a man, and demanded that they trade clothes, presumably so he could get away without the police recognizing him.  His plan didn't work, and the police apprehended him.  The did so without any use of violence.  

Here's a question - how come 12 year old Tamir Rice was shot on spot for holding a bb gun, without any attempt from the police to solve the situation first, but police make every possible effort to stop a grown white man from using the hand gun he is pointing at another person?  If the police wanted to, they could have found a way to get Rice to put the bb gun down and a family wouldn't be grieving the loss of their 12 year old boy.  

After Michael Brown was shot and the country erupted into protests, we saw the rise of #blacklivesmatter.  Sadly, too many white people insist on changing this to "#ALLlivesmatter."  I guess it's a panicked impulse that goes along with colorblindness.  Here's the thing though.  Fellow white people, please stop trying to be included in this.  Society already values white lives.  When a white felon can run into an office building wielding a gun and not be shot, it's because society knows his life matters.  When James Holmes can walk into a movie theater with a gun and kill 12 people while wounding upwards of 70 more and then be arrested - not shot - it's because society values white lives.  

17 year old Trayvon Martin was stalked and killed because he was black, and his killer didn't face jail time.  The boy was unarmed and on his way home.  

Michael Brown was stopped for walking.  He was shot numerous times.  His killer isn't even facing a trial.  He was unarmed.  

Eric Garner was selling cigarettes* when a police officer decided to put him in a chokehold.  There is video footage showing the officer strangling Garner while Garner gasps, "I can't breathe," and his killer is not going to face trial.  

Yes, white people.  Our lives are important.  But no one is questioning that.  We don't get followed in stores because anyone suspects we're going to steal.  We don't get stopped on the street for no reason whatsoever.  And if we're committing a crime, there is a very, very good chance that we get arrested instead of killed.  

Every life has the same moral worth, regardless of race.  But society does not treat people of color as such.  Moreover, we are not all equal by a long shot.  Not economically, politically, or socially.  We say "black lives matter" because the police already know white lives matter.  The government already knows white lives matter.  And everyone who fights for justice already knows all lives matter.  But until black people can walk down the street without getting shot by the very people meant to protect them, yes, we need to make it clear that specifically, black people are important and their lives matter.  

This is circulating around Facebook and Twitter.

This does not happen when suspects are white.  And sometimes's it's overt racism.  Other times, and this is horrible, it's totally internal.  According to his testimony, Darren Wilson felt threatened by Michael Brown.  At some point, white people need to get over our discomfort with talking about race and truly look at ourselves.  How come a cop standing over six feet tall looks at a black man roughly the same height and thinks, "Hulk Hogan?"  How come a man sees a black teenage boy and feels the need to call the police, follow him, and interrogate him, before murdering him?  

The system is built on institutionalized racism, I know that.  That's part of why police officers can kill unarmed black men and not even face trial.  It's why so many black people live in poverty, why minorities face more jail time more often than white people.  

But there's more to it.  I honestly do not think the majority of white people think of black people as equal to them.  It's why we say things like, "you act white!" to our black friends who speak like we do.  We're effectively saying, "You're smart!  You speak the right way!  You're normal!"  

I used to say things like that, and I am so, so grateful that God sent me a professor who assigned The New Jim Crow, two black roommates, and a slew of new friends who were much smarter than me to really open my eyes.  Because four years ago, I would have been using #ALLlivesmatter.  Now I know better.  And I think it's another reason why it's so important to continue the narrative of "black lives matter."  Because we need to understand that not only do black lives need to matter when it comes to the "justice" system, but they need to matter every day.  Because let me ask you (especially any of my white middle class friends) - how many black teachers did you have in elementary school?  How many black friends?  Black doctors?  Jim Crow ended, but segregation is still very much alive.  And it is damn near impossible to understand that black lives matter just as much as white lives if all you've known is white people, if the only time you see black people is when you're locking your doors driving in their neighborhoods.  So yeah, #blacklivesmatter should be here to stay.  White people should be listening to black folks when they tell their stories.  White people should constantly remind themselves that it doesn't matter if a black kid stole a few cigars, his life was still precious.  There is no doubt in my mind that there would be uproar from white communities if a 12 year old named Adam Johnson was shot dead by police for any reason.  

So use #blacklivesmatter when you're on Twitter.  Use it when you're commenting on the legal system and say it to yourself when you're about to comment on how a black man wears his pants.  Use it all the time.  

*It's not even certain that Eric Garner was doing anything wrong.  Apparently, he might have actually been breaking up a fight.  Either way, his murder is unacceptable. 

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Charlotte

Mystery Kick

There are actual important things I can write about, but since I am not feeling worldly and smart, instead I'll just write about some books I've read recently.

I love mystery, but I don't usually read it for several weeks straight.  For some reason, maybe it's because I'm in what feels like a perpetual bad mood, it's pretty much all I've read lately.

1. The Charm School by Nelson DeMille

So, I've read seven or eight of DeMille's books.  I'm not sure that I would like DeMille in real life.  Sometimes the women in his books are objectified, the characters lack empathy, and ethnocentrism runs deep.  So that bothers me occasionally while reading his stuff.

That said, pretty much every book I've read of his has called into question the idea of government spying, and I like that.  And I like the stories themselves.  My favorite is still Plum Island, because there was so much to it, and the ending wasn't predictable from the start.  But The Charm School was good and thrilling.  I read it in two days, and it's over 600 pages.  DeMille knows how to write a page-turner really well.  The book starts with a murder of an American kid in the Soviet Union, and the US embassy needs to figure it out.  There's loads of international and personal drama, doubt, and CIA bs, so that was all good fun.  I'd recommend it to anyone who likes conspiracy and mystery.

2. Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie

The Charm School was good, but this book was great.  My friend came over and saw my book shelves, which were organized by genre.  He dismissed the mystery section, telling me it wasn't a real mystery section without Agatha Christie.  So, I bought this book.  I read it in a day because it was so freaking good.

For starters, it's really well written.  Also, it's playful but in a serious way.  I don't really know how to describe it.  I mean, the detective plays with his mustache, but the vibe is still mature I guess.  I don't know.  Read the book.

The mystery itself was interesting, and the whole thing felt like I was playing Clue.  I liked the way it was set up (The Place, The Facts, The Evidence, The Testimony or something like that).  And I liked that there was a bit of a moral question at the end, so you were forced to think about what you would do in the situation.  This is a horrible description, but I don't want to give the story away.  GO READ IT.

Also, the cover of the book is really cool.  I think, whenever I do get an apartment, I'm going to get the cover blown up and frame it.  Check it:

This is not rectangular like the actual book and it annoys me. 

So yes.  Go read these.  Or don't.

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Charlotte

Vote for Howie Hawkins

That's right, I said it.  In this post I wrote the other day, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I was going to vote for Howie or not.  I agree with almost everything he stands for, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to throw my support behind the green party.  Well, this election, I do.  They're the only party that is truly listening to the stories of working people.  

Howie supports a $15 minimum wage.  That is monumental, and it is essential.  I make $8.50 at my job right now, and I bring home a little over $600 a month.  I'm on the verge of homelessness and every night I pray that my car hasn't been repossessed and will still be outside the next morning.  I lost my full time job a few months ago, I've had health problems that required surgery, and surviving is nearly impossible.  You know what a small, incremental change means when we talk about minimum wage?  It means not enough.  

The minimum wage went up to $8.00 last year and I'm still struggling.  If it went up to $15, I'd be able to pay my bills again.  I wouldn't get ten calls from debt collectors every day.  I'd be able to put $20 from each paycheck into a savings account.  

That's what Howie Hawkins supports.  

Another thing?  His education policies are by far the best of all three candidates.  He wants quality, free education for everyone k-12 an higher ed.  He wants parents and teachers to shape children's learning by opting out of corporate-backed common core and high stakes testing.  Howie supports free tuition at public colleges and universities.  I have $40,000 in debt from school, and no one should have that burden.  

If you take a look at his platform,  you'll see that his policies are reflections of what the public needs.  Better schools, living wages, clean water, affordable housing, better public transportation.  

It comes down to this: Howie's agenda is one of radical change. 

The WFP and its allies are telling us to vote for Cuomo on the WFP line to maintain the party's power.  "If Cuomo receives WFP votes, he'll know the people really want change."  (I'll repeat what I said in that other post: the only message Andrew Cuomo will receive if he gets a ton of WFP votes is that his strategy of bullying and manipulation works.)  The argument is that this will give the party leverage to work with Cuomo and pressure him into making positive changes in NY.  

I'll tell you what.  I do not need the possibility of small, incremental change that comes with a solid showing of WFP Cuomo votes.  I need radical change, and I need it yesterday.  

If you feel like you are willing to gamble on this, then maybe you should vote Cuomo (but probably not).  But if you know that NY needs a better living wage, a better education system, and better tax policies, then you should absolutely vote for Howie Hawkins.  His platform is the only platform that will help us all, and quite frankly he is the only trustworthy candidate.  If you are sick of the old strategy of "voting for the lesser of two evils," dump the republican and the democrat, and vote for Howie Hawkins.  You'll be glad you did.  

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Charlotte

Letter to Myself, to Read 10 Years From Now

dayzeroproject.com is a website where you list your goals and then check them off as you do it.  One of the most popular ones is to write your future self a letter.  I did that, but I'm writing it on here, too, because, well, God forbid a fire or tornado or some sort of natural disaster.  (Paranoia.)  There are some things I left out. 

Dear Charlotte, 

First off, I feel ridiculous writing this.  But, in the name of either courage or stupidity, I'm gonna do it anyway.  

I really hope life if better now that ten years have passed.  Because it currently sucks.  For the most part, that is.  You have no full time job, no boyfriend, no apartment.  But, on the plus side, you opened a fresh can of Maxwell House coffee this morning, and that is one of your favorite things.  (The sound it makes and the feel of the lid coming off.   I don't know.  You're strange.  Or were.)  Studies show that global warming is a threat to coffee production, so this might not be a thing for you anymore, ten years later.... Thanks, Obama.  

Today, you're like, 240 pounds.  That's really unacceptable, mostly because walking up a flight of stairs shouldn't make you gasp for air.  You've vowed to work on it though, and are in the process of becoming a member of a recreation center.  You go, Glenn Coco!  (Hopefully I didn't lose too much weight, though.  As Nicki Minaj says, "Anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun... where my fat ass bitches at?")  My goal is around 160-175, because I've looked and felt good at that weight before.  Hopefully you're still around there, but if you've had kids, you're fine (insert positive statement about the physical marks of motherhood here).  

Hopefully you're married (maybe to _________?? sorry, internet, no specifics) with kids.  I'd like that.  But, if not, that's okay too.  It's sort of ambitious since you don't currently have a boyfriend.  33 isn't that old, so no worries.  It also just occurred to me that maybe suggesting a future husband wasn't a good idea, because if it's not him, well... awkward.  Also, I should have used a different pen to write this.  My handwriting is weak with this pen. 

On a bigger scale, I'm hoping the revolution has happened!  Or is happening!!  Because 1. things are bad and capitalism is ruining everything and 2. I bet Joe that it would happen soon.  

This year has been your year of fixing (or trying to, any way) health issues.  It's my sincere hope that you're not experiencing this crap any longer.  You (I?) also have some mental issues, especially re: depression and confidence, but working on that, too, so maybe you're not so bad.  

You don't have any one best friend.  But this is good, because like Mindy Lahiri says, "best friend isn't a person, Danny, it's a tier."  Your tier has a few people on it.  Some of them I don't refer to as friends because they're old or the relationships with them aren't really of a typical friendship nature, but I guess they're part of the tier.  I hope you still talk to Emily, Liz, Mark, PFT, Sera, Steph, Alison, Joe, and Kevin (maybe).  They're the people you talk to most often and most openly.  (If I did not include you, it's only because I don't talk to you more than 5 times a week.  Let's change that :)  Oh, and Olivia, but she feels more like an extension of myself.  

I hope you're happy (or trying to be), better at being a Catholic, that you've written your damn book, and that you're struggling a little less.  And that you're still hilarious.  

Love, 
Charlotte

The Pragmatism and Privilege Arguments - NY Election 2014

*I do want to mention that the author of the letter I reference here, and so many other people who are encouraging folks to vote for Cuomo on the WFP line, are, to the best of my knowledge, good people, smart people, and people who really want to help everyone and make a better world.  I understand that, despite the fact that I come off as... slightly angry in this post.  

Andrew Cuomo is, quite frankly, a bad person.  He is not just a bad politician.  He's a liar, a player, and overly ambitious.  He's shown us that he cares about himself more than he cares about any random stranger on the street.  

And yet, "progressives" are encouraging us to vote for him.  

Are you kidding?  

They're not.  And I get it.  I get wanting to believe that what the Working Families Party did was good.  It would be wonderful if the democratic party and WFP were good and could be reformed.  But they can't.  No party that sells out working people is a party worth voting for.  

But a lot of people say that voting WFP (for Cuomo) is the best way to send a strong message and to get real results in fights that matter.  (Fights like the one for publicly financed elections, a minimum wage raise, the decriminalization of marijuana and so much more.)  This open letter is a perfect example of the effort people are giving to get Cuomo elected on the WFP line.  

Go read it.  It's pretty bad.  

Real quick summary of most people's arguments:  He's going to win, he might as well get as many WFP votes as possible, because it'll send him a message that we're expecting him to follow through on his promises.  

Talk about defeat.  Let me just make this clear.  The only message Andrew Cuomo will receive if he gets a ton of WFP votes is that his strategy of bullying and manipulation works.  We will have told him that he can threaten us into obedience.  

My friends, that is NOT a message I want to send.   

I want to address a few of the problems with that letter. 

1. "Then the unexpected happened. Governor Cuomo caved. At the last minute, he pledged to push through Fair Elections. And that wasn't all. He agreed to a minimum wage increase with indexing. He agreed to pass the full, 10-point women's equality agenda. He agreed to push through the NYS DREAM Act. He agreed to marijuana decriminalization. He even agreed, remarkably, to help flip the state senate and push for a reunification of the IDC and the Dems -- making it easier to advance a progressive legislative agenda in 2015."  

Problem:  This is not unexpected.  A democratic candidate for a democratic state was threatened with a challenger, so he.... agreed to agree to align with his own party?  Wow, how monumental.  He didn't even give a strong statement in support of the positions.  he just said he would support them.  He could have tattooed the platform on his body and it still wouldn't be enough because agreeing to your own party's ideals is the fucking baseline for running on that line.  Cuomo did the bare minimum, let's throw him a spot on our line.  

2. "There were those of us (like myself) who didn't think his promises were enough. Who argued passionately for Zephyr. Who were heartbroken and bitterly resentful when the WFP state committee voted -- in an admittedly transparent and beautifully democratic process -- to endorse Cuomo. It was, I believed at the time, a violation of our principles and everything we stood for as a party and as a movement."

Problem:  The process underwent when the WFP decided to run Cuomo was the exact opposite of transparent and beautifully democratic.  The vast majority of WFP voters wanted the party to run its own candidate.  But it caved to threats from the governor and from unions (obviously not the rank and file members).  I mean I guess that's beautifully democratic in a sense that that's how democracy works in America.  But then, America doesn't have true democracy. 

3. "Despite feeling somewhat vindicated by Zephyr's performance in the primary, I gradually came to understand that my position was a position of privilege. You see, I am blessed not to have to work for minimum wage. I don't have to struggle to make ends meet, to put food on the table. I don't have to worry about whether or not I will be able to afford college. If I am caught smoking marijuana, the color of my skin means I won't spend very much (if any) time behind bars. And so I began to realize that the endorsement I so resented wasn't at all the "selling out" of the party we helped to build. It was, instead, an emotionally challenging decision reached after many hours of difficult deliberation by a bunch of kind, caring, strategic individuals attempting to use their little bit of influence over the governor to make life better, in tangible ways, for millions of struggling New Yorkers." 

Problem: I've heard the privilege argument from so many people.  They say that real New Yorkers need change now, and being idealistic and hoping for something that can't happen and protesting doesn't get us anywhere near real change.  If Cuomo will agree to support (so, at best, not go against) a fight for a $10 minimum wage, that's where we need to throw our support.  Because it's not fair to ask for more when they're not the ones whose lives are at stake.  

Well, my livelihood is at stake.  I don't always know where my next meal is coming from.  I lost my job a few months ago, and my life has become a constant struggle.  When I got food stamps a couple of months ago, I nearly cried from relief.  So fuck the argument that it's a privileged position to want more for NY.  I honestly need to know if anyone bothered to ask low income people how they felt before making this claim.  It is infuriating when people making a living wage do this act (wth good intentions, to be fair) to actually hinder real change.  

I make about $600 a month.  These bullshit political strategies to maintain power and maybe - maybe - get tiny changes or to get words of support from a governor who loves rhetoric but not action is not helping me.  Want to know a privileged position?  One that says dump your ideals and real problems and do what will keep the WFP alive.  This argument feels to me more like "stand up for the poor people, they need us!" than "listen to and then stand up with the poor people, we all need each other!"  And that is a very dangerous thing.  

I think, if people truly examined their own privilege (me included, because I may be living in poverty, but, like the author of the letter, I'm not black.  I'm not LGBTQ.  I have privilege too.), they'd see that the single best way to change this state is to vote your conscience (which may mean not voting at all this time around) and more importantly, standing up, arms linked together, and demanding more.  If we want to be realistic, this election isn't going to change things.  Mass demonstrations are.  Strikes are.  People doing things together, not strategized BS elections, are the real change makers.

4. "You can throw your vote away on a protest vote for Howie Hawkins and the Green Party. Or, you can vote on the Working Families Party ballot line to hold Governor Cuomo accountable to his promises to raise wages, pass Fair Elections, and make New York State work for all of us."

Problem:  I can't believe I have to even say this, but there is no such thing as "throwing your vote away."  How incredibly cynical and undemocratic.  

And a protest vote?  Howie Hawkins' platform is almost identical to my own.  He is the bravest and boldest candidate in this election.  A Cuomo win will not produce tangible results (not good ones.  I'm sure there will be tangible results as in more kids starving and things like that.), but a Hawkins win certainly would.  

5. "As much as we all hate to hold our noses when we vote, and as tempting as it might be to vote green, this is a time when we need to be pragmatic more than idealistic." 

Problem:  Ah, the argument that is made every single election.  We always choose the less of two evils, and we always get screwed over.  After so many years of that, I need to ask, why in the world do you still believe this lie?  Pragmatism has done nothing for me.  We need to be more idealistic and more creative in our ways of fighting oppression.  The claim that voting for Cuomo will achieve anything good is just absurd. 

Honestly, I'm hoping that very few people vote on the WFP line.  I'd like to see it go away, as it's nothing more than a puppet for the democratic party.  This election, I'll either be voting for Hawkins or for no one.  

If you want change, and you want things like a living wage, then you'll mix pragmatism and idealism and realize that voting for Cuomo isn't an acceptable thing to do and that voting for the lesser of two evils is not our only option.  We can put our bodies on the line, invoke the spirit of revolutionaries before us, and get back to the grassroots.  It is the only thing that has truly brought about positive change in this country.   

_

Charlotte 

Goodbye, Apartment

I have to move out of my apartment soon and it's making me sad. 

There are things I definitely will not miss.  I won't miss the landlord randomly showing up.  I will not miss the person above me running in place for hours at a time.  I won't miss the moldy smell that creeps up at random times around the windows.  I definitely, definitely will not miss the freezing cold temperatures in the winter because the heat doesn't work (even though the heat bill hits $500/mo???).  I will not miss the evil squirrels.   I'm pretty sure it's haunted.  I will not miss that. 

  

But the good outweighs the bad on this place and I'm going to miss it.  I'm going to miss the bookshelves, even though it took me a little while to be okay with the lack of symmetry.  

I'm going to miss the gigantic windows.  I like the sunlight and the views and all, but it's also really cool because it sort of works like a clock.  When sun is coming specifically though a certain window, I know (roughly) the time of day.  

I'm going to miss living within walking distance of so many churches.  They're different denominations, but without fail, my apartment is filled with the sound of church bells and music every Sunday.  It's lovely. 

I'm going to miss the neighborhood.  It's near a huge park, it's surrounded by historic apartment buildings.  I know the block over is one I definitely could not afford to live on, but the one I DO live on has a really great working class vibe.  My neighbors are all super friendly.  (Okay, most of them are.)  There are just so many good things about the neighborhood.  It's close to two libraries.  It's close to an old school firehouse.  I'm within walking distance to so many different kinds of food places.  Mexican, Indian, Chinese, burger joint, delis and SO MANY MORE.  I like that it's diverse and there are so many different kinds of people here.  I like that there are kids riding their bikes around and old people walking dogs (or really, being walked by their dogs).  It's a breath of fresh air from the apartment I used to live in, where we didn't really encounter anyone.  It always smells good outside.  When I get home from work I'm met with the smells of everyone's dinners.  The people next door have sauce at least once a week and it always smells incredible.  The city in general is fantastic.

There's always construction going on.  That annoys most people, but I love construction.  I don't know why.  One of my neighbors is always working on old cars.  I love that.  I love brick buildings, and I get to see them through my windows every day.  I love buildings in general (architecture and urban planning and engineering stuff makes me happy) and this block is filled with interesting buildings.  I'll miss the constant smell of BBQ from people grilling on their fire escapes in the summer.  (I won't miss wondering how the people who live in the building without the escape would get out God forbid there was ever a fire.)  

There's a patio that can be filled with flowers and a fake fireplace that is great for decorating during any season.  I'll miss those.  There are quirky tiles randomly placed on walls in the bathroom that have silhouettes on them and I think they're so cool.  I guess that's something that can be replicated elsewhere, so I shouldn't get too down about that.

This apartment is in the perfect location and that's probably what I'll miss most.  I'm trying to not get too negative about leaving, but it took me a little while to feel comfortable here and there are things that I love so much about this place.    

Here's hoping that I'll be open to looking for things to love wherever I end up next. 

_

Charlotte 

Literary Baby Names

The baby name posts seem to be popular, so here's another list.

Literary Names for Girls

1. Molly is, apparently, the number one name given to female dogs in America.  It is totally a human name, so that annoys me.  I say everyone name their daughters after Molly Weasley from Harry Potter and make this the number one name given to female humans.

2. Prim.  I am only including this because everywhere I look, people seem to be naming their baby daughters after characters from The Hunger Games - fine, but if that's the case let's use Primrose instead of Katniss.

3. Jane, after Jane Austen.

4. Anne.  Who doesn't love Anne of Green Gables?  (And Anne is a timeless name.)

5. Hattie, because I'm not done obsessing over The Twelve Tribes of Hattie.

6. Matilda.  Every person I've ever met has loved the movie Matilda, and those who've read the book loved it, too.

7. Minny is my favorite character in The Help, followed closely by Aibileen.

8. Susan and

9. Lucy from The Chronicles of Narnia.

10. Madeline from....... Madeline.

Literary Names for Boys 

1. Billy, because The Polar Express is incredible.

2. Fred and

3. George, because I'm fairly certain they are everyone's favorite characters from HP.

4. Gabriel.  Jonas is perfectly nice, but I personally would go with Gabriel if I wanted to name a kid after a character from The Giver.

5. David.  Hurricane (by David Wiesner) was my favorite book when I was little.  (David is the name of one of the main characters, not just the name of the author.)

6. Peter and

7. Edmund (or any name that starts with "Ed") from The Chronicles of Narnia.

8. Hugo, off of the film Hugo, based on the book, The Invention of Hugo Cabret.

9. Gale.  Again, if people want to name kids after characters in The Hunger Games, I can totally get behind "Gale" being a thing.

10. Harry, obviously.

(pssst.  I was stressing because I felt like I needed to write a blog post, but couldn't think of anything to write, so this was thrown together real lazy-like.  Perhaps at a later date there can be a part 2, especially since my friends who helped write the baby girl names and baby boy names for twins posts said they had some ideas for literary names.)

Class Consciousness on a Thursday

Just to warn you…… this post includes different topics and there is very little structure because it’s not well thought out, it’s basically just coming from anger.

***

It seems like whenever I talk about class-related issues, I get called a Debbie Downer.  Usually it’s because I’m talking about things on a very small level, so people don’t get that I’m talking about actual injustice; they think I’m just complaining about little things again.  This is especially true when I’m talking to people who are middle or upper class. 

Here’s the thing though.  I don’t just enjoy bitching and complaining about everything.  And if you talk to my friends, I think they’d tell you that I’m generally an upbeat person.  I like obnoxiously laughing at bad jokes and I’m easily pleased by the little things in life.  Getting a glimpse of the sunset can make me happy as a pig in shit. 

That said, I do have a lot of things that I can complain about.  And I’m damn tired of people calling me out on it, claiming that I shouldn’t be so angry.  If anything, I should be doing more to highlight my struggles, and working to connect with other people who have similar struggles.  Because it is unacceptable that I am 23 and have the health of a 70 year old.  And it’s unacceptable that I work hard and have worked hard for so many years and am still dirt poor.  I have always been poor, I am poor now, and it is becoming abundantly clear that I always will be poor.  I don’t expect to be 23 and making $200,000 a year.  But I don’t think that my expectation that I should have a stable job with good benefits and a living wage (around $35-45,000/year where I live) is unreasonable.  I’m a fucking person, and yes, that does mean I’m entitled to certain things in life. 

I’m on this little “Debbie Downer rant” right now because I just had lunch.  Shortly after, I realized I had eaten too much.  It hit me that I do this pretty frequently.  I don’t like feeling sick after I eat and I don’t like gaining weight and I don’t like stuffing myself, so I started thinking about why I eat so much sometimes. 

I think it probably has something to do with the fact that food has never been a certainty around these parts.  I wasn’t always starving as a kid.  But there were bad times.  And when times were bad but not exceptionally bad, there was always the knowledge that things could get worse.  So now I guess I have that mentality built into me, and I don’t always realize that I’m acting as though it’s the end of the world.  I also do this with clothes.  A pair of pants might be too big, but who knows when I might put weight on and whether or not I’ll be able to afford new pants at that time.  Or what if a friend is in a bad place and needs clothes and these pants are her size?  I should keep them in case that happens.  Or in case my sister who is 13 years younger than me happens to wear the same pants size when she’s older and she needs clothes.  And blankets.  Oh, blankets.  There’s always the possibility that electric will be turned off and blankets are the only way to keep warm. 

Does all of this sound crazy?  Yes.  I realize that.  But it’s not crazy.  It’s how someone acts when they’ve always been in survival mode.  And it’s exhausting.  And infuriating.  I hate, hate that spring cleaning can mean mentally/emotionally struggling over a pair of pants.  I hate that I catch myself over eating or over buying (when I’m able to) because I’m not sure if I’m always going to have food.  I hate being exhausted all the time.    

I NEED TO EAT ALL OF THIS FOOD.  Because really, I might die.

And the lack of class consciousness and solidarity is fucking heartbreaking.  I was at work and some of my coworkers were talking about people on food stamps.  It was the normal stuff you hear, things about drug testing and poor people buying chocolate bars because GOD FORBID I USE ONE DOLLAR OF MY GOVERNMENT AID ON A KIT KAT BAR.  I mean come on now.  Give me a break.  (Ha, see what I did there?  Give me a break?  Kit kat bar?)  These were working people, too.  And I get it.  I do.  Because I was in school once and I read the textbooks that say hard work gets you money.  So I, even though I was poor, was someone who looked down on poor people (including myself) and made every judgment possible.  But at some point you start to realize that you’re in the same boat.  That you’ve been out of high school for a few years now, that you’re working hard, and you still can’t afford to sleep peacefully at night.  And when that happens you need to ask yourself if hard work really does mean you’ll make money.  And after you ask yourself that question, you’ll see that no, it does not.  Not often anyway.  Hard work alone doesn’t get you anything but a really sore body and/or mind.  And if you don’t realize all of this right away, FINE.  But then listen to fellow poor people and working class people.  And believe them.  Start developing class consciousness.

And honestly, this might sound harsh because it is, but evaluate what kind of person you want to be.  As recently as two years ago I was spouting some of that “well if you get two jobs and dress nicely you can get out of poverty” and “if you were really poor you wouldn’t be spending $5 on McDonalds” bullshit.  But then I thought about it, and I don't want to be someone who cares about a man spending $1 of his food stamps on a candy bar.  I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks wearing your pants around your knees justifies police brutality.

Poverty is more complex than that.  I’m going to write a follow up on how fucking hard it is to be poor but want to be not-poor, but I need to wait until my brain isn’t just a sphere of rage….

Speaking of rage.  STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE TO NOT BE ANGRY.  You know how people insult black people by saying, “it’s just another angry black wo/man.”  That is messed up, man.  First, anger isn’t what’s motivating every single thing every single moment.  Also, black people have every right to be angry.  We’re still a racist country and world and black people are losing their brothers, sisters, daughters, and sons every day, whether to murder, the school to prison pipeline, depression, what have you.  That is 100% justification for anger.  And when poor people complain about their struggles, stop telling them to shut up and stop whining.  Stop telling them to work harder.  We’re living in the richest country in the world, and we are starving.  And/or cold.  And/or sick.  For no other reason than we were born into poverty.  (I’m not even delving into intersectionality right now.) 

Similarly, stop shitting on the word “entitlement.”  I get that it’s hard to change your entire worldview from a capitalist one to a humane one, but people are entitled to a good livelihood.  In a world of resources (resources that are being depleted by the rich, by the way), there is no reason for poverty.  I wake up in the morning, and I should – absolutely should – have food, regardless of my character.  And while hard work should get you nice things, it’s also basic decency to keep people fed and clothed, no matter what.  And almost all poor people work hard.  Harder than most.  Yet they suffer in unimaginable ways.    

I get up every morning, go to work, come home, go back to work, come home, and go to bed.  I eat a few meals in between.  I postpone my laundry to days where I know I get my paycheck.  I pay whichever bills I can.  I leave $1.01 in my bank account so that I can fill my car up at the gas station on credit, knowing I have a few days before they take the money out, and hoping I can either ask a family member or get a medical reimbursement before then, or else pay the $35 overdraft fee.  It’s a constant nightmare and struggle.  I’m 23 and have to consider almost daily the idea of moving back in with my family, which is plain and simple bad for my mental and physical health.

None of this is okay, none of it is what any person deserves, and all of it is completely preventable with some class consciousness and solidarity.  The ultra-rich are the ones to blame and are the ones who must be stopped. 

_

Charlotte

Religion is Not a Crutch

My group of friends is a pretty accepting one.  And a diverse one - Christians, Jews, Agnostics, Muslims, and people who describe themselves as "spiritual."  And no shortage of atheists.

While none of them are malicious, many of my friends think that religion is a crutch.  I don't believe they mean this in a bad way - they just haven't fully thought about it.  They don't believe in God or they don't believe Jesus is the savior, but they're okay with people who are religious because "anything that gets you through the day is good."

Religion, many people think, is a way to cope with the struggles of life... and nothing more.  This is interesting to me, because while I see and understand the good and the grace of God and all that wonderful stuff, more often than not, religion itself isn't getting me through the day.  In fact, it's usually what keeps me up at night.  It's often challenging and frustrating and nine times out of ten, it makes me question basically everything.  It makes me crazy.  

I don't know if this is a self-pity thing or a blame game thing, but I can't count the amount of times I've wondered why I "got stuck" with the life I did.  And for people who believe in God, this often means asking something along the lines of, "If God is good, why would he let this happen to me?"  Sure, I tell myself that God has His own plans and I just don't understand them yet, but if I'm being honest, usually I'm a skeptic and I get caught up in doubt more often than I should and I sit and wonder why the things that happen do.  I think about how different my life could have been if I was born into different circumstances and question whether or not God knew what He was doing (or if he really cared at all).  Trying to figure out why bad things keep happening, or why bad things have happened, is anything but comforting.  My religion calls me to look at my struggling and see how I can make good of it.  My childhood had a solid amount of different kinds of abuse, and like most people who experience that, it affects me today.  Looking at it generally just makes me mad (justifiably so, I think) and upset.  Asking myself to try to see a plan in all of that?  Or to see the good that came from it?  That is a very difficult thing to do.  So when people say, "religion is a crutch.  It keeps people comfortable," I don't get mad, but I do wonder if they've ever really thought about religion and what people of faith are called to do.  Trying to find the good, the divine, in such horrible memories is not comfortable or fun or filled with joy.  It's often torturous.       

If trying to stay faithful during my own struggles is hard, remaining faithful during other people's struggles is even harder.  It's very, very hard to read a story about a family who lost their child or a family separated by war and to not wonder about God's plan.  Can we find peace in knowing there IS a plan?  Sure.  But that doesn't cancel out the fact that we can't comprehend why something is happening.  Knowing God is in control is good, but still, knowing we're not in control is hard.  It's uncomfortable.  

Beyond that, Catholics believe that every person is a miracle from God, each with his or her own gifts, talents, and purpose.  That means that I can't just sit on my sofa watching movies all day.  I need to challenge myself to find what I'm good at and then find the confidence to go share it with the world.  Basically, we should all be figuring out how we, as individuals, can contribute to community efforts.  That is hard.  That is uncomfortable.  

What's worst, for me, is that being Catholic has changed how I look at almost everything.  I've always been Catholic, but I only recently got my stuff together, so I pretty much ignored religion for approximately 21 years.  So let me just lay out how I used to think.  

My values pretty much went something like this: 

1. America 

2. Family (by that I mean friends)

3. Education

4. Health 

5. Others 

WHAT.  This translated into really bad opinions.  I thought illegal immigrants were horrible, I thought that we should always stick up for America, even if we were wrong (which also meant I was pro-bombing whatever it was America wanted to bomb on any given day).  I was as pro-free market as a 16 year old could be (textbooks teach that capitalism is good, everything else is bad).  My values were a hot mess.  Starting to explore the Church's teachings threw everything I thought I knew out of the window. 

How could I continue to think that illegal immigrants were bad?  I couldn't.  God doesn't love Americans more than He loves other people.  All of us are brothers and sisters, yes?  So then I really can't think that Americans are more important than anyone else.  While I can love America because it's my home, I also needed to start thinking more broadly.  Suddenly, I realized that before being an American, I'm a human and a global citizen.  

Guys, this just makes things harder.  It means acknowledging the fact that America isn't what you thought it was.  It means questioning your entire history and changing the way you think about current events.  Basically, it hits you that you need to care about and honor everyone.  (Which is why, by the way, capitalism isn't okay.  When competition and low prices means a person in China is working for a dollar a day, it's unacceptable.) 

Aside from the added stress that comes (and pain and solidarity and collective grief) when you identify as a citizen of the world, you're also challenged.  God says love thy neighbor.  Surely love means "fight with" when your neighbor is being oppressed.  It means take a little less if your neighbor needs more.  And so Catholicism is a constant call to action and sacrifice.  And that's not always comforting.  

Just to make it clear that I don't think my religion is some huge burden - I do believe that it is inherently good.  God is good, the Church is good.  And it's filled with joy.  Happily, these struggles go both ways - yes, I'm called to help my neighbor, but he is called to help me, too.  I know that when I'm struggling along side someone, I need them just a much as they need me.  And the questioning, the doubting?  It results in good.  I'm glad my mind has been changed.  I've noticed that I've started to love people more.  I mean people as in humanity - I still take forever to be comfortable with people on a personal level because... issues.  But I like people in general.  That wasn't something I could say a few years ago.  A screaming baby would have annoyed me.  An old person driving really slow down a one lane road would have made me crazy.  That's just not usually the case for me anymore.  But it wasn't easy or comfortable getting to this point (nor is it easy maintaining it...).  Peace and joy are good things, but the journey to reach them is arduous and filled with doubt and disappointment and fear and anger.  People say that religion exists only to help folks cope with their circumstances, but I don't think that's true.  Catholicism doesn't tell me to accept the world for what it is.  It tells me to accept that the world and everything in it is God's creation and that I need to do whatever I can to make it better, to alleviate unnecessary suffering.  I think that's more of a challenge than a crutch.         

And then there's the argument that religion is just a way for people to deal with grief.  Yes, being surrounded by people who share your suffering and offer prayers is wonderful.  Yes, knowing that there is a communion of saints praying with you in times of need is comforting.  And understanding that you're going to be okay because you're in God's hands brings peace.  These things all bring warm, fuzzy feelings, right?  But that warmth, I think, stems from knowing that God is there and that He has a plan.  But not being able to see Him, standing in total faith, not yet understanding His plan is daunting; it's not terrible, but it's terribly large.  It's beyond anything any of us can fully comprehend.

I don't think there is anything less comfortable, less convenient, less crutch-like in the world. 

_

Charlotte

  

Amusing & Confusing

I work with kids, and I used to include funny quotes of theirs on my Weeklings, but since there are many weeks where I don't work with the kids, I decided to just make their quotes into separate posts.  Kids are insane little humans. 

"Hey Char... are you in a mean-Charlotte-mood or a fun-Charlotte-mood?" 

I'm always in both, kid.  

"Well you will probably lose at this because you're old, so your bones are bitter." 

 I can only assume he meant brittle?  We were playing baseball.  I did, in fact, lose. 

"You're mad at me for THAT?  Well then we'll see what happens outside at the sandbox." 

Well okay then.  Some hot tempers. 

"Charlotte, you should probably just be a mom.  Because you're really good at being mean.  But sometimes you're fun."

Thanks for the vote of confidence.  I'll get right on that. 

(If bathroom talk freaks you out, skip this one.)

"Okay, sorry but you're going to be out here waiting.  I need to poop.  I didn't poop today, and all people are supposed to poop.  So I'm going to go ahead and poop." 

Thanks for the health lesson and thanks for letting me know you've got your priorities straight. 

"You can't make fun of me because I'm just like you.  If you make fun of me, you're making fun of yourself." 

Fair point. 

"I'm in fourth grade.  Third graders are so childish."

Indeed. 

"Can you please tell us if Jackie is older than us?  She's 6 and we're 5." 

I mean I get that you're in kindergarten, but come on. 

"You'd probably be a chocolate chip cookie, if you really were going to be a cookie." 

This said as I made my way to the cookie jar, spot of shame for all duck-duck-goose players. 

"I had a great day!  I had a terrific day!  I was great!  And I was behaved!  And I moved up on the list!  And those other girls didn't listen to the teacher, no they did not!  No no no.  But I DID." 

The reward system some teachers use don't work with all kids, but they definitely work on this kid. 

Little back story on this one real quick - we have a kid who has a nick name.  Let's say his real name is Chris (It's not, but I don't want to use his real name on here.)  But he goes by LJ.  LJ doesn't include the initial of his real first name. 

"Hey, what does 'LJ' stand for?" 

"It stands for LJ." 

"But what do the L and J mean?"

"They mean LJ." 

"What's your full name?" 

"It's Chris.  Or LJ." 

In an attempt to ask the question a different way... "How did you get that nick name?" 

"Well, I didn't have a good nick name.  And then we found a good nick name." 

Excellent.  Don't worry, mystery was eventually solved.  

"Hello Kitty inspires me." 

For me it was Barney, but hey. 

The joy. 

_

Charlotte 

Baby Rants + I Need Some Advice + Wonderful Music

The title of this post might be misleading.  I'm not devoting this to babies.  These are just some half-assed rants about everything and anything.  "Mini Rants" would probably be more appropriate, so as not to suggest I'm ranting about little humans.  When I realized that "baby rants" might be interpreted as rants about actual babies I was highly amused so I decided to create that there^ picture and from now on when I have little rants to go on (like this paragraph is becoming), I'm going to use it.  Totally irrelevant.  Although I could totally devote a whole post to babies because apparently my body and/or brain has been baby craving like it's my job.  Lord knows I nearly die when I pass baby clothes in a store.  But.......anyway.  MUCH DIGRESS. 

There have been, as always, about 54 things annoying me lately.  I've considered writing individual posts for some of them, but then decided, after rational thought, "nahhh."  So instead, I'll devote a paragraph of bitching to some of them.  Yay! 

1. Ferguson/Race/Police Brutality

Police brutality is an issue for everyone, sure.  Not going to deny that.  Some police abuse their power, and they do so in a way that victimizes anyone.  That said, race is an issue.  Fellow white people, please stop insisting otherwise.  Black folks and white folks do not have the same experiences in America, and the killing of Michael Brown have shed light on one of the many, many ways black people are dehumanized in America.  If I hear one more person say, "they're playing the race card again," or "they should just listen to the cops," or "if they didn't dress and act the way they do, this wouldn't happen," I'm going to go insane.  Other white people, please stop insisting that people of color act the way you act.  Wearing saggy pants does not make a person less of a person.  Cursing at a police officer does not justify being shot and killed by a police officer.  And playing the race card isn't a thing.  It's not a card.  It's a goddam struggle, and all people should be mad about it and black people have every single right to be pissed about it.  I could go much deeper on this, but these are BABY RANTS.  If you want more info on this, do a simple google search and you'll be able to real quick-like get the statistics. 

2. The leaked nude pictures of actresses, including Jennifer Lawrence

Let's just 1 2 3 get this straight - it's not okay to leak naked photos of any person, regardless of any circumstances.  And this wasn't just theft.  It was a sex crime.  When you purposely attack certain people, predominantly women, and purposely look for photos that are sexual, and intentionally leak them knowing that they are going to be used in a sexual way, you're committing a sex crime and it DOES echo rape culture in America.  It does, then, pertain to women's issues.  Most men seem to insist that this isn't the case.  A lot of women have a hard time seeing this too, presumably because we're taught that you're the devil if you take naked pictures of yourself but I'm not sure if that's why.  I do know that it doesn't matter if you take naked pictures, it doesn't matter if you're a celebrity, it doesn't matter if iCloud isn't the most secure place to store things.  It's a fucking crime and the victims are just that - victims - who deserve our respect and empathy and support just like any victim of a crime.  UGH I am so sickened by the response this got. 

3. The Middle East and President Obama

(I probably should be more specific, but I mean, ISIS, Israel, Palestine.... all of it.)  

I'm not a pacifist.  I think there are certain (though few) times where military action is necessary.  For instance, when one country is slaughtering the people of another.  I'm not like, filled with hatred for Israelis by any means, but their leadership is fucked up, much like our own.  You don't fucking oppress people and kill people.  That's not defense.  America's politicians are mostly (and obnoxiously) pro-Israel, and I think that's a damn shame.  Both Israel and Palestine have their issues, and being pro-Israel isn't going to end the constant violence happening there.  As far as ISIS goes... again, I'm not against military action in some cases.  But any time this president says he's going to use force, I get worried.  If he was truly using it for the right reasons, he'd also be using it in other areas of the world, like Gaza and like Ukraine.  I get a little weary when he says we're doing any kind of military work, because it probably means we're going to go kill people, often innocent people, for self-interest.  Or I should probably say for the interest of our military contractors.  I guess my point is that I'm pissed off. 

Okay, I'm getting in too bad of a mood to continue this here practice, so moving on to advice.

HELP! 

It's hard for me to admit this, but I was totally making dip earlier and I thought to myself, while stirring the sour cream, "Wow, my arm is getting tired."

YOU GUYS.  That is unacceptable.  I mean it's hilarious in a sad sort of way.  But mostly that is bad bad bad.  I mean, my arm was sore from making a delicious, unhealthy snack.  Prayers going up to Saint Jude, patron of lost causes.

I wrote earlier how I wanted to lose weight and become healthier.  Then shit went down.  One, I have health issues.  I have an enlarged spleen and they haven't yet figured out what's causing it.  But I'm in pain whenever my body is straight.  Which means when I'm trying to sleep and when I'm standing up or walking.  You can see how this is problematic, yes?  And two, I stopped taking medicine a few weeks ago.  One of the side effects of this medicine was that my appetite was suppressed.  So now, not so much.  I swear I am hungry ALL THE TIME.  I can eat a full, healthy meal and five minutes later feel hungry again. 

Together, this makes for weight gain and a rapid decrease in my overall health.  I feel totally out of shape.  Like worse than before, if that's possible.  I've tried working out numerous times and the pain I feel is unbelievable.  I know to expect pain since I'm not in shape, but it specifically makes the abdominal pain that I always feel get a thousand times worse.  And I'm not supposed to take otc pain killers because my liver enzymes are out of whack.  I try to mostly eat okay foods (the dip obviously was an example of NOT okay), and I'm eating regular meals with regular proportions, and I've upped the amount of fruits, vegetables, and water I take in every day.  But it hasn't curbed my appetite at all.  

So I've got this issue where my regular work out is excruciating and I'm a never-ending hungry person.  do any of you know of exercises that WORK and that don't involve standing too long or too much abdominal stress?  Please don't say yoga.  My body can't do those things and I don't see how that strengthens muscle....  Or some incredible power food that ends hungers?  

And lastly, ending on a positive note, MUSIC.  If you're here thinking I'm talking about real "Good" music, leave.  When I say wonderful music I mean these are the cheap fun entertainment type of songs that I JAM to in my car.  And in my house.  And in my sleep.  Oh gosh I love this summer's music.  Here are my current favorites: 

1. Don't - Ed Sheeran 

2. Bang Bang - a bunch of people

3. Anaconda - Nicki Minaj (oh good Lord I love this song.  It's all types of vulgar, but I love it.  And I crack up at "he toss my salad like his name was Romaine.) 

4. Trumpets - Jason Derulo 

5. Shake it Off - Taylor Swift (I do not like Taylor Swift at all.  Her songs are annoyingly entertaining though.  Ugh.)

6. All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor 

Am I missing any??

Thanks for hanging around for the never-ending post.

_

Charlotte