God said to march

For months I have despaired. Years, maybe. My heart and my mind have almost ceased to work, absolutely pummeled by depression and suffering. I've struggled to to escape fear's grip on me, but to no avail. The depression spawned fear, and fear spawned hopelessness, which in turn spawned a sort of paralysis. The physical illnesses and financial struggles have not helped.

For quite a while now, scary thoughts have taken hold of me. When I drive, I pass telephone poles and trees and I think to myself, "I could do it. I've just got to take my seat belt off and I can do it, and then things wouldn't be so hard." Fortunately, I recognize these thoughts for what they are: twisted, sick, effects of depression and anxiety. And luckily, after talking with my doctor, we agreed that these thoughts don't make me suicidal. It's not "I want to kill myself," it's "I wish I wanted to kill myself." It's wanting an end of suffering, but not in that way. This is all hard to admit, especially because I grew up in a really bad situation, and I feel like I've become weak; back then I was able to tell myself things would get better, but now I feel like "things will get better" is just wishful thinking. But maybe I haven't gotten weaker - maybe the reason 15 year old Charlotte could feel hopeful was the fact that there was an endpoint: graduating and leaving for college. But me, now.. I have no such comfort. 

But what I actually want to focus on is the possibility of change. 

A couple of days ago I read Rome Sweet Home, a story of conversion to the Catholic Church by Scott and Kimberly Hahn. As I was reading, I was struck by how earnestly they both prayed - for guidance, for help, to give thanks. Now obviously I've prayed before. But, if I'm being honest with myself, I have never quite poured my heart out to our Lord. I've said plenty of Our Fathers, but I've never been very personal in prayer... and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I never gave God my full trust. I think this lack of trust likely stems from two decades of being let down (to put it very, very nicely) by parents, parent figures, and most adults I tried to trust as a child and again as a teen. Mind you, while this makes my lack of faith in God understandable, it doesn't make it justifiable. Going forward, this is going to be one of the three main tasks I've set for myself to get better. The other two: becoming physically healthy and in shape and; becoming mentally healthy and seeking more help. These three tasks were decided two days ago... after I prayed - really prayed - for guidance. 

I had finished reading the Hahn's conversion story, and I wondered why I had never prayed like them.. and I knew I wanted to. Both Dr. and Mrs. Hahn had described moments of "sensing" God's responses to their prayers. I know this isn't the proper or good way to react, but I was downright jealous. 

Several hours later (or maybe the next day), I found myself sitting on my bedroom floor, balling my eyes out. I was in the middle of sorting every single item I own and attempting to organize them in the little amount of available storage space. I was doing this because the clutter was overwhelming me, so much so that I couldn't write, couldn't read, couldn't paint. And I desperately needed to do those things; I've started a small (very small) business just so I can earn ten bucks here, ten bucks there. And I know creating things to sell would alleviate some of my depression symptoms. 

So there I was, unable to make anything to sell. All I could think was, "I could be making money. Not a lot, but when there's no food, $20 is a big deal." I felt pathetic. I was so angry at myself for letting a messy room stop me from doing something that could really help me. 

And if you've ever been depressed, you know that one bad thought leads to another, and soon you're unable to move, unable to do anything.

I just started crying. Crying and crying... and thinking about Rome Sweet Home, and feeling as though now was the moment, now I needed to trust (or tell myself I trust - fake it til you make it) and I needed to humble myself and earnestly pray. I said a lot of things in those moments, one of them along the lines of, "When the Hahns prayed for guidance, they sensed your response. Please, please let me sense your answer to just this one prayer. Just this one - I'm at my breaking point and don't know what to do."

And at first I felt nothing. My sobs had subsided, but that was it. I started wondering if I had done something wrong. Maybe I put too much emphasis on the Hahns? Maybe pleading for an outright answer was akin to trying to command God, which no man can do. And then I felt an all too familiar stabbing pain from my liver and lamented: I can't keep doing this. Hunched over and reaching for my bottle of ibuprofen, I had to pause and gather myself, because as suddenly as I felt that stab, I felt the word "march." Whoa. 

"Wait, wait."

"Really?!" 

"Wait! ...was that actually you?"

It wasn't as though I heard another voice other than my own. Morgan Freeman didn't narrate. Angels didn't appear, the heavens did not open, the earth did not shake. Really, I didn't hear the word "march" but I felt it. I felt it everywhere and I knew (and know) that it did not come from me.

Needless to say, I felt like a kid at Christmas. I was elated. I was giddy, overcome with joy. God had, however vaguely, answered.

For the last two days I have pondered this. I have spent nearly every waking moment wondering what was meant by this command to march. Part of me wished for more specific instructions. At the end of the day, though, I think he meant to say that I am not weak (how can I be, when I am baptized and he dwells in me and I in him?), and that I need to push forward. March into war, do battle with depression. March, continue to march, even when everything around me is broken, even when I am broken, like soldiers must do even when things seem bleak. March with my head held high, don't cower out of fear that others will think me fat, sickly, unattractive. March like Joan of Arc. March like the archangel Michael. March like Dorothy Day. 

I believe I was told to march in faith. Set goals, have dreams, and lean into Jesus to achieve them. Most importantly, continue marching forward, even when cloaked in misery. In the end, maybe the suffering will stop, maybe it won't. Maybe I'm living out my time in Purgatory while still here. Perhaps I'll reach old age and still be battling these demons. But if that's the case, I will remember the oft-evoked truth: joy cometh in the morning. So if I don't escape suffering in this life, I will find joy the moment I arrive in the next, as long as I'm steadfast in my convictions, marching toward the ultimate goal of joy: everlasting life with Jesus. 

Or maybe God meant something important will happen next March. Who knows? 

Charlotte  

Rethinking Saints' Names

I hesitated to write this because most of my readers (hey Liz) aren’t parents and aren’t soon-to-be parents and aren’t Catholic so… ya’ll might think I’m crazy to enjoy talking about names so much. But I got over it. I like talking about names.

Kate over at Sancta Nomina often writes about patron saints and different ways to honor saints through baby names. Yesterday she wrote a great post about Caroline and Charlotte being potential ways to honor John Paul II (his given name was Karol) and I thought it was funny because I recently started reading Lives of the Saints. I’m not far into it at all, but just looking at the index made me stop and think. Some of the names are long and unfamiliar today, and you might need to get creative to honor them. I commented saying so, and Kate asked what some of my ideas were. I hadn’t thought about it too much (just a few names) but I thought it’d be fun to think about it some more. Yay for blogs.

Most of these are stretches, for sure. Coming up with names by scrambling letters or leaning heavily on certain sounds, etc. These aren’t actual forms of the names or anything like that – but I think if you name a kid with the intention of using a saint, that’s enough. (Funnily enough, Kate wrote about a possible connection between Theresa and Patricia, and I said I thought the names were too different to use as honor names to me. But this feels different – trying to come up with a way to honor a Saint named Porphyry doesn’t feel the same as naming a baby after your great aunt Therese. Of course, it’s different for everyone.)

Here are some ideas:

Saint Flavian

I actually think Flavian is semi-wearable today. People seem to be getting bolder with names, and Flavia wouldn’t be crazy. Flavian and Flavia would also work well as middle names. It’s not my style, though, and it reminds me of The Hunger Games (Flavius was one of the makeup team members, if I remember correctly). I think it’s really cool to name a baby after literary characters, but Flavius wasn’t my favorite and I associate the name with the Capitol. Okay now that I’ve geeked out a substantial amount…

Fiona – Fiona’s letters are almost all found in Flavian, and there are similar sounds in there.

Flora – More of a stretch than Fiona, for sure. That said, Flora adds another layer to the name. It means flower, and there are so many holy connections – Mary is often symbolized by flowers: roses, lilies, etc. With sounds lent from Flavian and meaning for Mary, Flora could be a really meaningful name with two patrons.

Vienna – The stretchiest of all Flavian stretches. Place names seem to be popular now, and the first syllable of “Vienna” sounds an awful lot like the last syllable of “Flavian,” unless I’m pronouncing it wrong (very, very possible).

Finn – I know Finn is sometimes used for girls now, but I much prefer it for boys. To me it sounds like a natural nickname for Flavian, and since a lot of people choose to forego formal names and put shortened names on birth certificates instead, I think Finn is a great way to honor St. Flavian. It’d totally work if you used a formal like Finnian or Finnegan, too.

Other ideas: Names that can be nicknamed Effie, Fifi, Alfie

Saint Apollinaris

Apollo – The obvious choice for parents of boys who want to honor this saint. Apollo is a hip and cool name, super wearable today, though it’s too out there for my own taste.

Polly – Another clear choice to honor Apollinaris. Also possible for another double: Molly Maris. According to this, Polly is also a form of Mary and Molly is super similar in sound, and Maris is often associated with Our Lady. Polly Maris is nice too - either way, you can honor both Saint Apollinaris and the Virgin Mary. (Also, I'm digging the "aris" found in both.) 

Oliver/Olive nn Ollie – Similar to Finn for Flavian, Ollie seems like a natural nickname for Apollinaris.

Paul/Paula/Pauline have some similar sounds and so might work.   

Short names that are spelled with letters mostly found in Apollinaris: Lara, Sara, Silas/Linus, Nora, Arlo, Risa, Orin

Saint Aelred

I liked this one too much, probably. It reminded me of this super fun post I wrote of non-obvious ways to name your baby after a character. In that, I found this when looking at Alfred: Derived from the Old English Ælfred, a compounding of the elements ælf (elf) and ræd (counsel). 

Aelred and Alfred aren't exactly the same, of course, but they're similar, and according to Behind the Name, Aelred is a variant of ÆÐELRÆD, which, like Alfred, includes  ræd. (Again, meaning "counsel.") So that's fun (and... does this mean all of the suggestions for "Albus" in that post could work for Aelred??? :D ) So: 

Alfred - A bit different, but very similar meaning, and a few letters in common.

Albert - Doesn't have quite the same meaning, but again, stretching is okay here, and a lot of the letters and sounds are shared. 

Aldo - With Arlo gaining steam (I love it), Aldo might be next. 

Darla - With Harvey and Alfie and Calvin being used again, it's not out of the realm of possibilities that Darla comes back, and it has a lot of the same letters as Aelred, making it a good possible honor name. 

Rae - A huge stretch, but if paired with another meaningful name to make it especially clear that baby is being named for the saint? Dorothea Rae is a possibility - Dorothea means "gift of God" and paired with Rae as a short (short!) nn from Saint Aelred, that's a really holy name. Ella is similar in that it shares some sounds/letters but might need to be paired with another name to really solidify the meaning.

I haven't given too much thought to the rest, but at first glance, these are names I can see being used to honor saints with really unfamiliar names: 

Saint Romuald

Romy - Romy would be my favorite way to name a girl after Saint Romuald. 

Rudy - Likewise, Rudy would be my favorite way to name a boy after Saint Romuald.

There's also Ronald, Rue, Aldo, Arlo, and Maud/e. 

Saint Porphyry

Rory - To me, Rory seems like the most obvious choice (I prefer Rory for a girl, though I know it's used for boys as well). 

Fiero - Though I'd never use it, I've seen this name floated around by others. 

Poppy - I've heard that this name is coming back, and it seems like a sensible way to name a baby girl with Saint Porphyry in mind. 

Names that can be shortened as nicknames to Pip or Rye.

Saint Soter 

Rose - Rose is made entirely of letters found in "Soter" and so I think, combined with intention to name a baby after the saint, works as an honor name. 

Otis - Many of the same letters, plus similar sound. Since Soter was a Pope, maybe combining Otis with Peter would add extra clarity to the significance of the name. Otis Peter/Peter Otis. 

Names that can be shortened to Ret. 

Saint Etheldreda

Of course, there's Ethel. But other names that might work if Ethel isn't your style: 

Esmeralda - It's got similar sounds, a lot of letters in common, and it looks very similar. 

Adele/Edele/Edel - All letters found in the original name. (If I was naming a girl after Saint Etheldreda I'd likely go with Adele.)

Della - I've come to really like the name Della. I found it when my friend was expecting and wanted a name that was rare, but wouldn't be completely unfamiliar. With all the Ellas and Stellas, Della is familiar but not heard often. It's got similar look and feel and letters as Etheldreda. Also, "del/l" means "the," "of," or "of the" in a few languages, which lends itself to a lot of great possibilities. But dell also means valley, which seems like a possible way to honor Mary and Jesus, especially if paired with other specific names. (I've heard of "lily of the valley" as a symbol of Mary, as a symbol of Jesus, and as a symbol of the coming of spring, symbolizing the coming of Jesus.) Della paired with a Christ-name, Mary/Marie/Maria/Maris, Rose, or a Lily-name (that'd be hard though) would be loaded with a ton of significance. Della Maria would be my favorite, but there's also Della Rose, Della Cristina, or, if you don't mind the repeating sounds, Della Liliana. (Or any other combo you might think of.) Della has potential to honor Saint Etheldreda, Mary, and Jesus all at once.    

Others: Andrea, Rae, Ella, Lea, Drella, Dare (I've seen it used as a middle), etc.

I think another great way to really make it clear that a baby is being named for a saint is to pair it with meaningful middles - names that mean "gift" or "gift of God" or "like God" or even "happy," since happiness stems from God. Gabriel means "God is my strength." So something like Alfred Gabriel (for Saint Aelred) or Abigail Fiona (for Saint Flavian, and Abigail means "my father is joyful) would honor the saint clearly - I mean, the saints do point us to God.

That's all I've got (for now ;). If you know more about names and languages (and root words and meanings and all that) I imagine there are even more possibilities to honor these saints. Such fun.     

Any ideas? 

__

Charlotte 

Being a Catholic and a Progressive

is FUN.

I'm by no means an expert on Catholicism, and I've only recently jumped back into it.  What I write here is what I believe to be true based on everything I've read and researched, but if you're a better Catholic than I and you see that I've gotten something wrong (or right!) feel free to let me know!   

In all honesty, I think being Catholic is really compatible with being progressive.  Many of my positions on social and political issues are heavily influenced by my faith and my belief in the authority of the Church.  There are two issues that make it difficult, but more on that in a minute.  First I want to talk real quick about why it makes sense.  

The Role of Money/Economics

Every true progressive I know adheres to a sort of Keynesian economics, at least.  They believe the government ought to invest in people.  Many progressives - including myself - would go so far as to support a sort of socialism.  This sounds ridiculous in this context because historically, religion has been attacked by socialists.  Of course I don't support that.  Everyone should be free to worship, and I think religion plays an invaluable role in society.  I do believe, however, that people should be paid fairly for the work they do.  That workers should have more control over what they produce.  Do I think people should have private property? Yep!  Should people with specific training and education be paid higher wages?  Yep.  But...   

Can someone make billions of dollars a year and remain morally intact?  

Probably not.  In order to make that much money, someone else is suffering.  A worker isn't being paid fairly, a child is in a sweatshop, a woman is working for thirty cents less than a man per hour.

Progressives - true progressives - resist this economic model.   

Look:   

"Money has to serve, not rule." 

"We don't want this globalized economic system which does us so much harm. Men and women have to be at the center (of an economic system) as God wants, not money."

-Papa Francisco 

Jesus called Saint Peter the rock upon which the Church would be built.  Pope Francis is a successor to Saint Peter.  As Catholics, we believe the Pope is the Vicar of Jesus Christ.  

The Vicar of Christ is telling us that people, not money, should be the center of our economic system. 

Best believe I'm gonna fight for that.  

(The argument that people matter more than money makes sense outside of faith, too, but that's another post.)

So we have a couple of options (I'm generalizing): 

1. Fiscal conservatism, which says poor people should be taxed the same as rich people (or more, for that matter) and that the government has no place spending money on social services; or 

2. Progressivism, which says the government should tax on a scale and that money should be invested into social services.  

(I want to add real quick - you cannot be a fiscal conservative and a social liberal.  Many people claim these titles together, but they are contradictory.)

For a hot minute let's keep in mind Pope Francis' words, but also look at the Corporal Works of Mercy: 

To feed the hungry.

To give drink to the thirsty.

To clothe the naked.

To shelter the homeless.

To visit the sick.

To visit the imprisoned.

To bury the dead.

In government and politics, it might look like this: 

Supporting food stamps. 

Supporting food stamps.

Supporting EBT cash/public assistance.

Supporting section 8/public housing. 

Supporting medicaid/medicare.

Supporting prison reform. 

Supporting veteran affairs. 

And so on.  Or, better yet, it might look like *a fight for a living wage, so that no one needs social services.*  

Either way, as a Catholic (and as a person with a moral compass that doesn't point straight to hell), I won't campaign or vote for politicians that threaten to cut social programs or who don't support better wages.  Historically, austerity has never worked, and I believe the path to a society where people are fed and clothed involves a fair tax system, a high minimum wage, and support for social services.  

All progressive stances.

Work - Unions, Hours, Leave, etc

Every single person is unique and has dignity and worth.

Employers should treat them as such.

When conservatives argue for keeping the minimum wage low, or for minimizing the power of unions, for stripping collective bargaining rights, or for less vacation time, for longer hours, etc, they are arguing against a culture of life and of goodness.  People can't thrive when their entire lives are spent at work.  They can't share their gifts with the world.  They can't offer themselves to others.  They can't spend time with their families.  I think God meant for us to do those things, and I keep that in mind when I vote, I keep it in mind when I sign petitions calling for higher wages, I keep it in mind when I decide which rallies to attend.

In all honesty, when it comes to the economy and to workers, democratic politicians, for the most part, are only a little better than republican politicians.  Bernie Sanders is an exception, but President Obama is a capitalist.  Hillary Clinton is a capitalist.  Joe Biden is a capitalist.  I think their policies are fairer and more aligned with my faith than the policies of republicans, but they're not great.  That said, I think most ordinary people (the non-politicians) who consider themselves progressives have ideals that match Catholic values.

But money isn't the only thing.
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For God so loved America, that He gave His only begotten Son..

Oh wait, that's not how it goes.

Here it is: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son"

Immigration.

Countries are a thing, and I love America and apple pie and rooting for our soccer team but God made the world and I'm pretty sure He loves all of its humans equally, so let's go ahead and treat immigrants, illegal or not, like they're our own (because, uh, they are).

The Catholic Church is pro-life in every sense of the word, and that means that every single person on earth is important and has value and dignity, and the conservative view on immigration is quite the opposite of that.

Now, progressives aren't all terrific on the issue, either.  But as a whole, they're better than conservatives on immigration.  I feel confident that many Catholic priests would advise against calling children of immigrants "anchor babies."  Also I doubt they'd be supportive of detaining entire families.  Catholics have been some of the leaders in the fight to create more just, humane immigration policies.

As far as I can tell, if you're Catholic, you can't think that Americans are the best/most important people in the world.

source

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The Environment

There's been talk about this a lot lately thanks to Pope Francis' Laudato Si.

Again, the Pope (THE POPE) is telling us that we cannot remain apathetic to environmental degradation, that we cannot continue the habits of consumerism that we currently do, and that the changes brought by humans will adversely affect the poor.  Conservatives on a national scale aren't even in agreement that climate change and global warming are real.  To me, living my faith (and taking care to follow Pope Francis' lead) means acknowledging this serious problem, and working to fix it.  And voting for politicians who will take action.

Laudato Si is not just about science and global warming.  It's about rampant consumerism and the destruction of God's creation.  When I look to see which side of the spectrum will take more care to conserve and preserve earth's wonders, it's the left.  Are they doing it because they feel called to by God?  Maybe some of them, but no, not all of them.  But whether for secular or nonsecular reasons, the motives are right and the goals are admirable.  It happens to align with my faith.
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Education Policy 

I wrote a post with my thoughts on education here, if you want to check it out.  But basically (and probably due to the fact that schooling has been so badly corrupted by the drive for profits), I think most politicians have got poor education policies.  One of the main reasons I prefer *most* progressives on education is that they tend to offer less support to charter schools.  I just can't get behind charters, man.  I think that the teachers who work at them are good people, the students are great, the parents are terrific... but the concept?  No.  I'm not all about using public funding on privately-run schools that have little oversight.

But, staying on topic with how Catholicism influences my stance on education...

I think God gave us intellect and curiosity for a reason.  I think we are meant to explore everything around us, that we are meant to learn about art and music and great literature.  I firmly believe God purposely gives everyone different talents and interests.

Which means I think we should spend much more money on education, that public schools should be in beautiful buildings that inspire teachers and students alike, and that love for learning should be the goal rather than good test scores.  I believe that teaching for standardized tests means educators can't spend enough time on books, on helping students pursue their passions, on instilling curiosity instead of great memorization skills.

There aren't many politicians on the national scale calling for these things, but this kind of education system would require more money and a separation from corporations like Pearson - two things that most progressives support.
__________________________

Black Lives Matter/Policing in America

In general, it seems pretty clear that most conservatives are hesitant to support the Black Lives Matter movement.  Many of them, in fact, feel the urge to silence black people by shouting, "all lives matter!"  Not okay, man.  Similar to the capitalism/education problems, national liberal politicians are not much better.  They may not show outright opposition, but many of them fall into the category of conveniently colorblind.  (Which might be why Black Lives Matter hasn't yet endorsed anyone for president?  Makes sense.)

I do, think, however, that most progressives have better policies when it comes to the police.

Why does this matter to me as a Catholic?

I'm pro-life.  Police keep killing black people.  Tamir Rice, Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, Sandra Bland, Dontay Ivy, Michael Brown, and too many more.  These men, women, and children are just the first to pop into my head.  It's easy for most people to just spit out numbers, be horrified for a minute, and move on.  (I sometimes do this.)  But really - each of those people were made in the image of God.  Each was a brand new person who has never existed on Earth before and will never exist here again.  There literally is no one like them.  They were priceless and their lives were priceless and they were murdered by police.

So I try and vote for the politician who wants to do something about it.
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And if those were the straight-forward, Catholic-very-compatible-with-progressive positions, here are the NOT so easy issues to deal with: 

Gay marriage 

I think this might make me a not-great Catholic, but I find it really, really difficult to accept the Church's position on this.  ("But, you said you accept the Church's authority?!"  Yes.  So imagine how crappy this dilemma feels.)

I've heard all of the reasoning behind it, and it still feels wrong.  And it's like.. sometimes you rely on the Holy Spirit to help you out and give you the grace to understand... and, well, it's like I feel the opposite.  No part of me begins to feel right about banning gay marriage.  I know the Church's position and I want to always follow Church teaching, but........ ah, it just doesn't seem right.  

(Also, I 100% support the idea of government not making laws based just on religion, so I'm not comfortable voting for politicians who are against gay marriage.) 

And while I find it hard to accept the Catholic Church's position on gay marriage... 

__________________________  

I find it harder to accept the democratic position on abortion.  Don't get me wrong, I find the republican dialogue on the issue horrific.  The women-shaming, welfare-cutting positions are wrong and probably don't help to actually stop abortions from occurring.  

But I'm also kind of flummoxed that so many people support abortion.  (Though I understand why many women feel like they need them.) 

I think there's a real inconsistency on the left (many of my friends were furious about the killing of Cecil the Lion - but are fine with "ending a pregnancy" which is literally ending a human life).  Progressives are "pro-life" in so many other ways: acknowledging the moral worth of immigrants and POC, supporting labor policies that make it possible for people and families to thrive, wanting to save the earth.  Of course, many people don't believe a fetus is a human yet.  But I'm not going to throw science in the face of conservatives when we're talking about global warming and then completely ignore it when we talk about abortion.  A fetus is a human.  It is one of the earliest stages of development in a human, yes, but it's still a human.  Sure, it's how I feel as a Catholic, but it's also just science.  The dna is already there, the sex is already determined - it is already a unique human.  (Do I feel like a little bit of an asshole for writing this?  Yes - I don't want to make any of my friends who have gotten abortions feel bad.  But I think they know I love them and don't think poorly of them - I just think that we're getting this topic wrong and it's an important discussion to have.) 

I think this topic deserves its own post in light of recent events, so maybe that's something I'll hash out later this week or next.  But for now I'll say it's the one progressive stance that gives me pause.  

__________________________  

When it comes to deciding how to vote, it seems pretty clear to me.  I vote for the people I believe will fight for the right values - the dignity of every person and every worker, the preservation of the earth, the right of immigrants to build a life here, the right of black people to live.  I take gay marriage and abortion into consideration, of course.  Usually the candidate who shares my position on the economy and the environment also shares my position on gay marriage.  Almost always, we disagree on abortion.  But when I vote, my hope is that there will be less women seeking abortion (because of better wages, better maternity leave policies, better hours, etc.).  I don't like the democratic position on abortion, but I do like voting for the people who don't want to take food stamps away from the poor families (including their babies, planned or unplanned).  I do like voting for the people who want to keep everyone fed and clothed.  And in the meantime I guess the best thing to do about abortion is to keep having the conversation.  

Overall, I feel pretty comfortable being a Catholic and a progressive.

***I just realized I forgot to include war.  I think war should be a last resort, not something we idolize.  Which means I won't be supporting anyone like Mike Huckabee, who in the GOP debate said the point of the military is "to kill people and break things."

Yeah, nope.

__

Charlotte 

Religion is Not a Crutch

My group of friends is a pretty accepting one.  And a diverse one - Christians, Jews, Agnostics, Muslims, and people who describe themselves as "spiritual."  And no shortage of atheists.

While none of them are malicious, many of my friends think that religion is a crutch.  I don't believe they mean this in a bad way - they just haven't fully thought about it.  They don't believe in God or they don't believe Jesus is the savior, but they're okay with people who are religious because "anything that gets you through the day is good."

Religion, many people think, is a way to cope with the struggles of life... and nothing more.  This is interesting to me, because while I see and understand the good and the grace of God and all that wonderful stuff, more often than not, religion itself isn't getting me through the day.  In fact, it's usually what keeps me up at night.  It's often challenging and frustrating and nine times out of ten, it makes me question basically everything.  It makes me crazy.  

I don't know if this is a self-pity thing or a blame game thing, but I can't count the amount of times I've wondered why I "got stuck" with the life I did.  And for people who believe in God, this often means asking something along the lines of, "If God is good, why would he let this happen to me?"  Sure, I tell myself that God has His own plans and I just don't understand them yet, but if I'm being honest, usually I'm a skeptic and I get caught up in doubt more often than I should and I sit and wonder why the things that happen do.  I think about how different my life could have been if I was born into different circumstances and question whether or not God knew what He was doing (or if he really cared at all).  Trying to figure out why bad things keep happening, or why bad things have happened, is anything but comforting.  My religion calls me to look at my struggling and see how I can make good of it.  My childhood had a solid amount of different kinds of abuse, and like most people who experience that, it affects me today.  Looking at it generally just makes me mad (justifiably so, I think) and upset.  Asking myself to try to see a plan in all of that?  Or to see the good that came from it?  That is a very difficult thing to do.  So when people say, "religion is a crutch.  It keeps people comfortable," I don't get mad, but I do wonder if they've ever really thought about religion and what people of faith are called to do.  Trying to find the good, the divine, in such horrible memories is not comfortable or fun or filled with joy.  It's often torturous.       

If trying to stay faithful during my own struggles is hard, remaining faithful during other people's struggles is even harder.  It's very, very hard to read a story about a family who lost their child or a family separated by war and to not wonder about God's plan.  Can we find peace in knowing there IS a plan?  Sure.  But that doesn't cancel out the fact that we can't comprehend why something is happening.  Knowing God is in control is good, but still, knowing we're not in control is hard.  It's uncomfortable.  

Beyond that, Catholics believe that every person is a miracle from God, each with his or her own gifts, talents, and purpose.  That means that I can't just sit on my sofa watching movies all day.  I need to challenge myself to find what I'm good at and then find the confidence to go share it with the world.  Basically, we should all be figuring out how we, as individuals, can contribute to community efforts.  That is hard.  That is uncomfortable.  

What's worst, for me, is that being Catholic has changed how I look at almost everything.  I've always been Catholic, but I only recently got my stuff together, so I pretty much ignored religion for approximately 21 years.  So let me just lay out how I used to think.  

My values pretty much went something like this: 

1. America 

2. Family (by that I mean friends)

3. Education

4. Health 

5. Others 

WHAT.  This translated into really bad opinions.  I thought illegal immigrants were horrible, I thought that we should always stick up for America, even if we were wrong (which also meant I was pro-bombing whatever it was America wanted to bomb on any given day).  I was as pro-free market as a 16 year old could be (textbooks teach that capitalism is good, everything else is bad).  My values were a hot mess.  Starting to explore the Church's teachings threw everything I thought I knew out of the window. 

How could I continue to think that illegal immigrants were bad?  I couldn't.  God doesn't love Americans more than He loves other people.  All of us are brothers and sisters, yes?  So then I really can't think that Americans are more important than anyone else.  While I can love America because it's my home, I also needed to start thinking more broadly.  Suddenly, I realized that before being an American, I'm a human and a global citizen.  

Guys, this just makes things harder.  It means acknowledging the fact that America isn't what you thought it was.  It means questioning your entire history and changing the way you think about current events.  Basically, it hits you that you need to care about and honor everyone.  (Which is why, by the way, capitalism isn't okay.  When competition and low prices means a person in China is working for a dollar a day, it's unacceptable.) 

Aside from the added stress that comes (and pain and solidarity and collective grief) when you identify as a citizen of the world, you're also challenged.  God says love thy neighbor.  Surely love means "fight with" when your neighbor is being oppressed.  It means take a little less if your neighbor needs more.  And so Catholicism is a constant call to action and sacrifice.  And that's not always comforting.  

Just to make it clear that I don't think my religion is some huge burden - I do believe that it is inherently good.  God is good, the Church is good.  And it's filled with joy.  Happily, these struggles go both ways - yes, I'm called to help my neighbor, but he is called to help me, too.  I know that when I'm struggling along side someone, I need them just a much as they need me.  And the questioning, the doubting?  It results in good.  I'm glad my mind has been changed.  I've noticed that I've started to love people more.  I mean people as in humanity - I still take forever to be comfortable with people on a personal level because... issues.  But I like people in general.  That wasn't something I could say a few years ago.  A screaming baby would have annoyed me.  An old person driving really slow down a one lane road would have made me crazy.  That's just not usually the case for me anymore.  But it wasn't easy or comfortable getting to this point (nor is it easy maintaining it...).  Peace and joy are good things, but the journey to reach them is arduous and filled with doubt and disappointment and fear and anger.  People say that religion exists only to help folks cope with their circumstances, but I don't think that's true.  Catholicism doesn't tell me to accept the world for what it is.  It tells me to accept that the world and everything in it is God's creation and that I need to do whatever I can to make it better, to alleviate unnecessary suffering.  I think that's more of a challenge than a crutch.         

And then there's the argument that religion is just a way for people to deal with grief.  Yes, being surrounded by people who share your suffering and offer prayers is wonderful.  Yes, knowing that there is a communion of saints praying with you in times of need is comforting.  And understanding that you're going to be okay because you're in God's hands brings peace.  These things all bring warm, fuzzy feelings, right?  But that warmth, I think, stems from knowing that God is there and that He has a plan.  But not being able to see Him, standing in total faith, not yet understanding His plan is daunting; it's not terrible, but it's terribly large.  It's beyond anything any of us can fully comprehend.

I don't think there is anything less comfortable, less convenient, less crutch-like in the world. 

_

Charlotte

  

Good and Uncomfortable

A year and a half ago I was a senior in college, which meant I spent most of my time on Pinterest when I should have been doing assignments.  

Anyway.  One day as I was procrastinating perusing Pinterest, I saw a link to a post called Why You Can't Read Twilight: A Letter to My Daughter from Carrots for Michaelmas.  If you're my friend and you're reading this, which you are because my friends are the only people who read this, you know I love me some Twilight-trashing.  Especially when it's rooted in good reasoning.  

After reading (and loving! and nodding in agreement!) the post, I did as one does and read all the "popular posts" that were featured on the page.  (I feel like that sounds creepy, but I now have a blog, albeit small, and I love when people find my old posts by clicking on the links on my sidebar.  It happens a lot.  So maybe it's not creepy.)  There were other book-related posts, and I enjoyed them because I work with kids and I'm always looking for ways to make them love learning.  But there was also this post: My Unplanned Pregnancy, or Why We Stopped Using Birth Control - For Good.  

To be honest, when I read it, I rolled my eyes a little.  I thought it was beautiful, but my pessimistic side was flaring up, all, "Yeah okay but really, if people don't want kids they shouldn't have any."  And I still believe that to be true, because being resented by parents kinda sucks, but the author of that post DID want kids, she and her husband had just wanted some more time before becoming parents.  So I probably shouldn't have reacted with an eye roll.  But I digress.  

After reading the most popular posts, I decided I liked the blog.  Who wouldn't like a blog that talks about Harry Potter so frequently?  I started reading it regularly, though I didn't subscribe to it because technology isn't usually my thing and I didn't know how to.  (Born in the wrong era.)  

Harry Potter related things aside, there are A LOT of posts about family and Catholicism on the blog.  At first I was somewhat reluctant to read those kind of posts, because I had been telling myself that family was overrated, God was basically an absentee parent, and all I needed to get through life was myself.  (Okay, fine, still often fall into parts of that mentality.  Work in progress.)  But over time, the posts started to change my mind.  And sometimes other bloggers were featured, which led me to blogs like House Unseen. Life Unscripted., Clan Donaldson, Camp Patton, and most recently, Daniel Bearman: Acts of Idiot Praise, not to mention websites like Catholic Exchange.  

I think I'm radically different now.  A year ago, I swore I'd have kids when I was, like, 40.  Because I'd be well established and I could send them to boarding school or something.  But that was only IF I had kids.  

I'm the oldest of eight kids.  I was born first, when my mom was 21 or 22.  My biological father wasn't in the picture.  My mom met my stepdad (I call him "dad," - this post will get confusing.) and when I was five, my first brother was born.  One of my earliest memories is from the hospital, when I was in a small waiting area as my family visited my brother, who was born three months early.  I had a plastic bag with Donald Duck's face on it, so I naturally put it over my head to pretend I was Donald Duck.  Because duh, what else would you do with that?  Anyway, a doctor or nurse yelled at me and then took the bag.  That's all I remember.  Nothing about the brother.  

Two years after that, my second brother came.  And then there was a period of no new babies.  

I guess I should preface this next part with a little information.  My family isn't a typical family.  I don't mean that in a quirky way.  I mean it in an "I understand that things like poverty, abuse, drug use, alcoholism, etc are cycles that are hard to break out of, but that doesn't quite justify certain actions, either" way.  

My uncle had a wife and two daughters.  They were around 7 and 2.  He went to jail (I don't remember what it was for that time).  His daughters spent some time directly after that alone.  They were hardly taken care of.  And one day, my aunt just dropped them off.  She didn't want them anymore.  So we then had five kids in the house.  

The sixth baby came a couple of years after that.  A girl.  Precious.  Then we moved, and baby seven was born.  Another boy.  When he was a few months old, my dad moved out.  He was always in and out anyway, so it wasn't a huge difference.  Sometimes he'd be gone for days, other times months.  Once he disappeared for around two years.  Occasionally it was because he was in jail, sometimes it was because he was doing more drugs than usual, other times he just preferred to be with his friends, who were equally irresponsible.  I don't remember ever being upset that my dad left so often.  At least not consciously.  I remember worrying that we'd find him dead.  But I was never sad that he wasn't around.  But the last time he left, it was for good.  

My mom found out that her high school friend lived nearby.  His family had moved after his dad died, and they didn't stay in touch.  Before my dad left left, this friend picked my mom up and they went out for a date.  When my dad left, he moved in.  And the eighth baby, a girl, was born nine months later.  And then my mom married my stepdad.  

Confusing?  Yeah, sorry.  

So there were eight of us.  I love all of my siblings.  I don't like all of them anymore - the oldest two are turning out to be really poor decision-makers, to put it lightly - but I love them.  I'd be lying, though, if I said I didn't spend a solid 18 years resenting the hell out of them.  Don't get me wrong, there were good times.  The babies first learning to crawl, making my youngest brother laugh that not-related-to-gas-but-actually-entertained laugh for the first time when he was a few months old, teaching them to swim.  But over all, it sucked.  And it took me a while to differentiate between THEM and the situation.  I don't blame them anymore.  

I remember dying to go outside as a kid, but having to stay inside to take care of the kids instead. Or cooking dinner instead of going to the movies during junior high.  Not being allowed to joke around.  Stressing - like, hardcore stressing that no eight year old should have to experience - about things like food, money (though obviously there was nothing I could do about it), and heat.  I stayed home from school sometimes, if one of the kids were sick and my mom didn't feel like dealing with it.  She, nor any of the other adults in the family, can't acknowledge this at all.  To them, things were not bad.  And I think I understand it now.  I think that they have all always lived in despair and know nothing else.  I'm not justifying things, but I can try to understand it.  

So as I got older and my friends and I started talking about future husbands and future babies and future houses, I was always on the fence.  After all, my mom and my dad had both told me AND others several times that "being the oldest of eight is really good birth control.  We'll never have to worry about her getting pregnant young!"  (I told you, not normal.  A four year old raising children isn't okay.)  For a while there, they were right.   

On the one hand, I was pissed and I hated kids, or at least kids that I knew I'd be responsible for all the time.  I loved kids that weren't mine, but hated the idea of having any.  I figured I had no childhood because I had to take care of kids, so I wasn't about to lose out on having a good life as an adult by having kids.  

On the other hand, and this is the one that still creeps up sometimes, I was terrified that I'd turn out like them.  It's no secret that kids born into poverty tend to stay there.  That kids who are abused are more likely to become parents who abuse their kids.  That kids of drug addicts become drug addicts themselves.  I didn't want to have kids and then not love them or take care of them.  Or call them names.  You know that saying, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree?"  I hate that saying, and the fear that it would be my reality totally consumed me for a long time.   And I told myself I'd be bad at it anyway.  My two brothers are teenagers (like, late teens) and are sooo not doing good things.  I blamed myself for it and wondered what I did to make them "turn out like that."  

I also maybe possibly have small, teeny tiny attachment and abandonment issues.  Like to the point where I'd think that someone "didn't love me anymore" if they cancelled plans or went too long without talking to me or what have you.  So to avoid dealing with that, I decided I'd just never get attached to people.  Preemptive tactic, George W style.   (I've had a few instances of weakness and failure in sticking to this wonderful plan, so I have some friends.  ugh. ;)  So, like, if you refuse to love people you kind of can't get married and have kids.  So.  There was also that.  

I also just held a sort of prejudice against big families.  I suppose I didn't realize that some families are intentionally large.  I also didn't realize that the way my family functioned wasn't the way all families function.  

And it's really hard to genuinely want kids when you know you were basically a huge burden. 

In come those blogs.  It sounds funny, I know, to say that a few blogs totally changed me and my entire perspective on essentially everything.  But it's true.  

The people behind these blogs have families.  They have struggles, but they don't leave each other when they're struggling.  Instead of seeing their kids as accidents or burdens, they see them as gifts, which comforts me.  It makes me think that if I have kids, I'm not going to, you know, hate them.  In fact, the people behind these blogs seem to LIKE their kids.  This is probably nothing monumental to most people, but when I first started reading them, that idea was crazy to me.  

I've read posts on these blogs that, though they admit that marriage and parenthood are hard, depict family and life in general as so so Good.  

I think I'm a better but slightly more insane person since reading these blogs.  I say more insane because reading about all this Good lead to trying to convince myself it was real and could be real for me, too.  Which meant I had to do uncomfortable things like... have feelings.  Ew.  I've had to admit to myself that I probably cannot deal with everything thrown at me by myself.  And that relationships are a thing I need to cultivate.  I'm not running around searching for a romantic relationship, but I've been trying to be a better person in all of my relationships, because if I can't do friendship I probably can't do romance.  So I've tried to open up and talk about things with my friends.  I've always been a good listener, but talking about those aforementioned pests called feelings was not my forte.  Still isn't always, but I'm working on it.  I've tried to be a little more vulnerable.  Ask for help more often.  (When I had surgery, I had to actually let my friend help me get dressed.  That would have never happened if 1. I wasn't trying to be better at asking for help and 2. I wasn't heavily drugged.)  

Don't get me wrong, I have a long ass way to go.  I don't share things as much or as often as I should.  I don't ask for help when I should, so I end up becoming incredibly overwhelmed.  I don't tell the people I love that I love them very often.  Or sometimes ever.  And when I do, it literally makes me feel sick.  But I'm getting there. 

I had also mentioned above that I was a little pissed at God for a while.  The way that these people on these blogs proclaim their faith has made me reevaluate my own faith - in a good way.  I won't lie and say I'm totally feelin' God's grace at every moment or that I never doubt or that when bad things happen - which they very often do - I don't question God.  And I would be lying if I said I feel the Holy Spirit, because I generally don't.  This might be because I don't let myself, I don't know.  And a long time ago I turned myself into someone who trusts no one and depends on no one.  I don't think that was a bad thing, I think it was necessary.  But probably I should continue to try changing that.  But the people on these blogs talk about God like an old friend.  They trust in Him no matter what.  That part is still hard for me, but I have started to see things in a different light.  Tried to look for good in everyone, since God has made everyone.  Started praying again (though I really suck at praying).  Started going to church again.  I do crazy things like cry at birth videos (though I never cry out of my own sadness.  Because issues).  It's made me more open to life, whether that means having kids or actually, truly living life.  

The blogs have made me more aware of the ways God and family are intertwined.  They've helped me to see family as a GOOD thing, not a horrible thing.  There are a few people in my life who have also helped me learn to trust and love and all that good stuff, but really, the testaments of God and of Good on these blogs have had a tremendous impact.  They've made me somewhat crazy because I now constantly question myself.  But I think crazy can be good sometimes.  I now think things like, hey, having a bunch of kids would be fun!  Not worrying about making a billion dollars is fine!   

I appreciate it and I think my friends appreciate the fact that I'm a little more human now.  

It's all very good and uncomfortable.   

__
Charlotte

Spiders and God-Given Talents: Education Policy in America

I think there are a lot of problems with education policy in America.  This blog post talks about how children are meant to explore the world around them – the world that is inherently good and beautiful:

“We believe it’s good for our kids to learn about animals, plants, rivers, etc. because those things have intrinsic value and because they reflect the goodness of their creator. With this view, learning becomes not just a means to an end but an act of praise in itself.” *

Everybody, Catholic or not, can and should appreciate the world and everything it has to offer.  It’s a shame that education policy in America doesn’t encourage or even allow this. 

But that’s not the only thing I find seriously troubling about education policy. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the little boys in my morning program loves nature.  Loves it.  He’s brought me over to the edge of the playground to look at the trees because they all have trunks that look different.  In the winter, he and I sat looking out the window, mesmerized by the sun rising behind the bare tree branches.  When we talk about movie options, he suggests Planet Earth.  His love for nature includes nasty things, though.  Like spiders.  I hate spiders, but he loves them and gave me a lesson on different kinds of spiders. 

“Isn’t it cool how there are so many kinds of spiders?  Everyone will find at least one that they like.” 

I like the sentiment.  Because you know what?  He’s probably right.  After arguing with him about how gross they are, I finally admitted that a spider that kills mosquitoes is cool with me, so long as it isn’t crawling anywhere near me.   

This kid would love nothing more than to stay outside all day and learn about the things around him.  But he can’t do that.  Because it’s the end of the school year, and there are a lot of standardized tests to take.  And a few months earlier, it was the middle of the year, and so there were a lot of standardized tests to take. 

I’m not suggesting that we dump all tests and let kids wander all day, every day.  (Although that would be a lot of fun.)

But I do think we need to radically change education in America, because talents and passions are like spiders; everyone will find at least one that they like, one thing they’re great at doing.  But, when kids are being taught from mundane (and misguiding) textbooks written by corporations, they’re not exploring their surroundings.  They’re not testing out their skills.  When they’re constantly taking tests or memorizing how to take tests, they’re not working towards figuring out what their talents are or what they are passionate about. 

A while ago, the kids were telling me about their science lessons.  One of the eight year olds who is normally disinterested in school was super excited about the experiments they were doing in class.  But after a few days, they needed to stop all experiments to prepare for state tests.  “I don’t think my teacher wants to, but we have to because we need to pass the tests.”

This kid, who really doesn’t like school, needed to stop learning about the one thing he did enjoy because of a standardized test that doesn’t measure intelligence, creativity, or personality.  Obviously, school can’t be a place where kids just learn about one thing for twelve years.  They need to learn science and math and English and social studies.  But they should have ample time to explore their interests.  And when they do find something that drives them, they should be able to pursue it. 

And teachers, not tests, are the ones that recognize each child’s talents and passions.  Teachers and parents are able to measure a child’s progress.  A multiple choice test will never be able to do that.

I firmly believe that each person has a God-given talent or calling.  And an education system so focused on churning numbers and keeping their eyes on the future workforce and profits does nothing to honor those gifts.  That kind of education system ignores the fact that every person is unique and special.  (Sound corny?  Yes.  But true.)

One of the girls in our program was stressing out about her tests.  My coworker and I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t important in the long run.  Her greatest gifts are her confidence and her sense of humor.  God made this girl funny and naturally welcoming.  I can easily see her hosting her own TV show in twenty years.  She’d give Ellen DeGeneres or Jimmy Fallon a run for their money.  It’s what she’s good at, it’s how she can positively affect the world, and it’s what she enjoys.  And no test can reveal that.

Not everyone is going to have a talent or a passion that will translate into a job after graduation.  And that’s fine.  Sometimes, a person’s gift is going to be the ability to put smiles on the faces of everyone they meet.  School can’t really develop that gift, but it can still be a vehicle of good, and it can still be a place where wonder and imagination and curiosity are the goals every day.  

  

And while I think encouraging everyone to develop and share their talents with the world is also an act of praise, as these gifts are God-given, I know my friends who don’t believe in God or who don’t practice religion would agree that each individual is special and has something to offer the world, and that education is one of the ways to make that happen.      

If we were more mindful when crafting education policy, I really believe each person could find their calling. If we designed schools to be architecturally beautiful, I think students would be inspired to learn.  If we made sure every school had a plethora of good teachers, every student would have a mentor to encourage them in their endeavors.  (Which also means it is essential for teachers to be well paid and respected by society.)  If schools were community focused, students could find avenues to share their passions.  If education policy wasn’t determined by corporate interest, I think we’d find the time to make school a place where kids could explore, learn, and grow.  If it were up to me, corporations and their textbooks and tests would have no place in policy, and instead there would be teachers and parents from all kinds of communities making the policies.  Kids are little people, and tests can’t measure them, only other people whose lives they touch can do that.    

*The article I linked to was from Daniel Bearman - Acts of Idiot Praise.  I'm not speaking for the author here, and I'm not sure what he thinks of tests or corporations or policies regarding teachers.  I included his post because I agree with him and think that a longing to learn about the world ought to be part of education policy. 

__
Charlotte

A Facebook Conversation About God and Gratitude

Apologies for the formatting issues on this.  I just copied and pasted (other than taking out the names), so it's weird spacing and stuff.  Also not great grammar.  But that's not what matters, yes?   My friend and I were talking and I just thought this turned into a great conversation, so I wanted to post it.  Enjoy!

C

Hey, really random question.

L

yes

??

C

So, I know I do this when I pray, and my friend who prays does it, but I'm wondering if it's a thing even for people who don't pray. I know you're consciously grateful for things because like, duh you are a good person. Do you think about the things you're thankful for at the end of each day?

Or would you find that weird?

Also, I really hope that didn't come off as snobby or rude. Just most of my friends are Christian or don't believe in God lol so I already know how the first group goes about it.

L

I don't think that's weird at all. So, ever since my Dad died, I try to do that more actually. I regretted how ungrateful and how much I took my dad and the things we did together for granted, so when he passed I told myself 1) I'd live every day to my fullest because you never know when it will be your last (super cliche, but true) 2) Always tell your loved ones that you love them and 3) have many adventures. Things I'm still working on include being more thankful for things, even when things are rough. When things are going well I tend to be more positive, but if I'm stressed, I'm hella negative and put myself down and just end up not thinking about how good I already have it.

For a while I used to write in my journal every night 1) one positive thing about me and 2) things I'm thankful for. It's just good practice, religious or not

I'm not thanking god or anything though

it's more of a positivity and good energy exercise

C

Yeah I think it's good too, regardless of whether it's aimed at God or not. I just wanted to make sure I didn't sound like I was trying to be all high and mighty lol. I also actually used to write it down, but they were prayers. But yeah, word. Super good to do, I think.

L

yes, agreed. It def does not sound high and mighty. It's really important in my mind. You also end up learning a lot by doing it.

C

word.

I'm just brainstorming a post I want to do on things to do in order to survive every day lol and was hoping the things I write aren't only applicable to religious people, you feel me?

L

I need to start doing that agin

again*

C

yeah.

I don't write the things I'm thankful for, and I don't think of one thing I like about myself (though you're right, that's a good thing to do), but I do try to thank God for the things I'm grateful for every night. I don't go over every single thing, but the big ones. I suck at praying though lol.

L

lol that's good though

confession: I've prayed a few times in my life. But it's really only been when my grandma has been sick or if I'm worried about her. And I do pray to God.

It's a little weird. It's usually in moments where I feel I have no control

C

lol you don't have to call that a "confession." Before I started really thinking about/seeking God, I never prayed except for in times of desperation. I used to remind myself of that quote, "no one is an atheist in the fox hole" or whatever, which is kind of a cynical quote. But I don't think it's a bad thing.

L

word. It's just something most people don't know about me. And I mean. I'm not an atheist. I'm agnostic. Which basically is "God? Idk. Maybe, maybe not."

C

Yeah I feel you. Do you ever think about trying to..idk the word. Trying to find out what you feel to be true?

C

Also, this quote: And I imagine that a careful examination of all of our stories would reveal the subtle and grand gestures of a God in pursuit of us because against all odds, He loves us. And he will never stop seeking to draw our hearts to Him, though we may “wander to the ends of the world.”

Reminds me of myself because I've been such a doubter and still fall into doubt/confusion A LOT.

L

hmmm. So I guess I went through that a bit, but not so much in terms of God. Like, I feel reincarnation is to be true. But once I got older, I started to realize that it didn't matter as much. Even the things that I believe. Sure, sometimes it helps me get through certain things and definitely adds a lens to how I view the world, but in general, I focus on the here and now. I focus on learning as much as possible and experiencing as much as possible because I think that's important for personal/soul development.

C

Yeah, I agree. Although for me, I'm not religious and don't believe in God because it helps me get through life. Actually, in a lot of ways, it makes it harder, because I have such a tendency for anger, so when things go wrong it's hard for me to accept that bad things happen while also believing God is good.

It's just something I feel to be true.

L

that's cool though.

When I was younger, in my gut I used to believe there was something. Idk about God though. Especially the idea of one God. That didn't sit right with me. Then again, I also believe in the multiverse sooooooooooo yeah lol

C

lol it's so nutso. I really do think God is real. I mean, I get sooo confused as to what God is, what he looks like, what his role is, etc. But I think I've had that gut feeling forever, despite all of the horrible things I've been through, and I think that's a testament to probably the Holy Spirit and I probably should stop ignoring it, you know? Humans are great, and I think gut feelings exist for a reason. Does that make sense?? idk. And I believe the universe/space/whatever else there is is infinite, but I believe God is infinite and has infinite power.

L

kewwll

What a profound response lol

my kewlll that is

C

hahaha

good convo

L

yes! I haven't had a convo like this in a while. Last time was with Ange a couple years ago, I want to say.

C

haha yeah

I read stuff relevant to this a lot but yeah, most people don't usually want to talk about it

L

I like talking about it once in a while

I used to talk about this stuff all the time in HS and like freshman year

C

Yeah. That makes sense.

*The quote included above can originally be found here: I Bribed My Children with LEGO so I could Read this Book - Carrots for Michaelmas

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Charlotte