Going Back to School

Whew. Just a little over a year ago I wrote about my plan to go back to school. Well, it's taken me longer than I'd have liked, but last week I enrolled at a community college in a nearby city and in the upcoming weeks I get to meet with an advisor to register for classes. I'll be taking physics and a math course (not sure which one yet - don't really fancy jumping right into calculus after 6+ years of not learning math, so might take pre-calc algebra first).

On the one hand, I'm really excited. On the other hand................. slightly terrified. I'm worried about what happens if I go back and end up really sucking at all of this. Also, I am not very healthy. In fact, I have to stop lying to myself. I keep saying that I'll get better soon, but in reality, my body seems to be getting worse. My liver enzymes are nice and high, my abdominal pain has spread so that it's now on both sides and in my chest and back (it used to mostly stay confined to the right upper quadrant). I don't know if it's related, but two months ago my legs were fine and now they're terribly sore to the point where I have trouble lifting them at times. When it started, it was mainly happening at night (felt as though I had done insane work outs, even though I hadn't) and now it happens during the day, too. My nausea medicine knocks me out, so I sometimes end up wasting an entire day sleeping. So that's all problematic. But I'm trying to remain optimistic. Late next week I'm having two procedures done, and the doctors are likely going to take biopsies. I'm really, really hoping they figure out what is wrong. 

And if they don't (knock on wood, because I don't want to just be stuck with mystery symptoms and bad blood work forever), then I'm still anticipating going to school. I'm only taking two classes, so I should be able to manage that schedule even if I'm still sick. I considered just putting it off another semester, but decided against that. It has been a long time since I've felt like a normal human being and I really need to do things again. I don't want to put it off indefinitely. Ain't no way to liiiive. 

I'm also nervous about some practical obstacles. My computer is falling apart, literally. It's held together with electrical tape at the moment, and I can see its innards. Wires and metal galore. But I can get by without a laptop for a while, hopefully. The bigger concern is my car, which is becoming less and less safe to drive unless I get it fixed. (I'm not just procrastinating on getting it fixed - it's likely to cost over $1000 and nobody has that type of money.) I get mad every time I think about it, because it turns out the dealership sold it to me like this. Nice of them!! The school is about 40 minutes away, so a car isn't optional. I'm going to try to work things out over the next couple of months. 

Despite all that, I'm still just pumped. It's been such a long time since I've done anything with any sort of purpose. It's exciting to actually work toward one of my bigger goals (and hopefully get on the road to being independent again - thankful that I've been able to live rent free, but... I also miss not living with family). And maybe one day I'll end up working to solve problems such as these. ;)

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Charlotte

Space Exploration Should be a Public Endeavor

I haven't been feeling well these last couple of days, so I've been spending a lot of time on Netflix. Since one of my goals for the year is to watch more documentaries, I pretty much immersed myself in Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey. I also made time for some Ted Talks: Space Trek, though. I've enjoyed both, but one of the Ted Talks irked me a bit. The man giving the talk, Bill Stone,* suggested that the private route is the best route for space exploration; that a business endeavor is more likely to advance in space travel and science, since there is competition. (I believe it was episode 3 on Netflix.)

Here's the thing, though. The competition might fuel discoveries and action (while the public programs move at a slower pace, because we give them no money). But when it's a private company, the motive behind that competition is often money. Profit. So as these discoveries are made - when we get to the moon again, when we build a fuel station that can help us achieve further travel - that motive (money) will manifest, probably in greed. 

I don't want space travel where money is the driving factor, the only thing that matters. Some of the private organizations pursuing the idea of space travel have already talked about hotels, about tourist flights, about mining. If private organizations lead the way into deep space, it won't be accessible to everyone. The people won't be put first. What do I see when I think of private companies taking the lead? I see projects with narrow vision. I see the buying and selling of resources that ought to be free for the public (I mean, it baffles me that water is not free on Earth). I see another playground reserved for the ultra rich (but some of us mere mortals could be shipped up there to do the work). I see public ideals being thrown away, and corporate greed taking over. This is, nearly always, the outcome of private endeavors. Corporations have already wreaked havoc across the globe; are we really going to let them ruin the galaxy for the rest of us, too? 

Don't get me wrong, great things can come from private work. I think Steve Jobs was brilliant. But the purpose of private industries is to specifically look for those things that will entertain consumers. When it comes to space travel and exploration, that's not enough. The purpose needs to be broad. It needs to look not just for what we want, but for what we don't know yet. Or what we can't even fathom yet. Much of what scientists find is stuff they weren't looking for in the first place. The benefit, other than knowledge itself, is that good things come from exploration. The amount of beneficial discoveries that are made entirely by accident is staggering... and it's less likely to happen if you're exploring through a narrow lens of "What Here Can Be Turned Into Profit?" 

Naturally, the episode immediately following was a talk from Brian Cox on the importance of public funding for science, and for what he called "curiosity-driven science." Perfect. You can view it on Netflix (it's episode 4) but you can also see/read it here. That's the difference. Curiosity-driven exploration can and will benefit the world and all of humanity. Profit-driven exploration is less likely to benefit all of us, as the nature of anything driven by profit is that there's a problematic supply-demand scheme. We need broader ideas. 

Even if there wasn't an intrinsic flaw in profit-driven anything, I don't trust corporations. I think I share that feeling with a large chunk of people. They deplete resources, treat people as disposable items, and follow a means to an end philosophy. And even if there's a benevolent rich person out there who really does want what's best for everyone... it's risky. What happens when that man dies and a conglomerate of money hungry board members take over decisions? Inevitable? Maybe not. Likely given the nature of capitalism? Yes.     

Space exploration is too big, too important for us to let fall into the hands of corrupt rich people. Greed and exploitation are natural (horrific) results of capitalism, and they have no place taking the lead on something as paramount as space exploration. 

"Pale blue dot." That's us. This is way too big to be driven by money.

(I acknowledge the fact that private companies exist. That doesn't mean they ought to be leading things of public interest. I'm not opposed to hearing about private partnerships, so long as public interest will be preserved.)

I'm not pretending I fully trust the world's governments. I certainly don't fully trust our own. (And woop - ours is basically a corporate cheerleader, all the more reason to revolt and/or implement publicly funded elections, hey.) But I do think there's a tad more accountability. And while I think it'd be ape-shit crazy to have, say, the pentagon lead it (last thing we need is an expansion of the military industrial complex...), I trust NASA's intentions. 

Stone was right that NASA and other government and public organizations aren't doing enough. But his suggestion of business ventures to get the process going is an ironic one, since the problem is that too many public dollars are given to private companies (through corporate subsidies and through contracts with weapon manufacturers). 

It seems that the proper solution is to just better fund science. Scientists - those at NASA, at universities, at centers across the world, are just as motivated as corporations. In fact I'd argue they're more driven, since the science itself is motivating them. They're passionate. Public organizations are more than capable of the job. It's not motivation or ability that public organizations lack, it's funding. Instead of fueling the privatization of space we should cut back on corporate subsidies and on defense, and maybe throw NASA another penny from every tax dollar collected.

When it comes down to it, space exploration should be a worldwide endeavor. It shouldn't be something done by a few for profit. Space travel has the potential to answer questions that people have been asking for thousands of years. It's got the potential to change history for all of humankind and for our planet. It's therefore only right that public institutions are the ones that lead the expeditions.    

Deep space travel isn't a business venture. It's an exploration by and for all of humanity. 

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Charlotte

*Based on the talk, Stone seems like a good guy, and he's obviously very smart. I do think he's misguided on this one, though. Also I love that a man who explores caves has the last name "Stone."

Silver Linings

In the beginning of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (the book, not the movie), everyone celebrates Harry's birthday.  He wakes up, goes downstairs, and opens a pile of gifts from Bill and Fleur, Hermione, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, the Delacours, and Hagrid.  And then Ginny asks him into her room and they discuss his impending departure to go hunt horcruxes.  Ginny is worried about his safety.  And since it's Harry's birthday, she wants to give him something. 

She says this: "I'd like you to have something to remember me by, you know, if you meet some veela while you're off doing whatever you're doing." 

He tells her he thinks dating opportunities will be slim when he's gone.  

And then Ginny says, "There's the silver lining I've been looking for."  She leans in and kisses him.  

This is really embarrassing but also really hilarious so I'm going to share it. 

When I first read this, I imagined a literal silver lining.  I pictured her looking past Harry, seeing some piece of fabric with a silvery color on her dresser or something, and reaching for it - giving her an excuse to lean in and kiss Harry.  

Judge me.  I'm judging me.  

(My reading comp/writing scores were not that high when I took the SAT.)

But all is well with the world and I've since become familiar with the meaning of "silver lining" the saying, not the literal fucking fabric.

Note to self: When you have kids, read to them every night so they don't end up like you.

    

I'd like to take a second to talk about how kind-hearted I am, sharing that mucho embarrassing story so that others may experience the joy of laughter.  

Ahem.

Moving on.  Silver linings.  Okay. 

Yesterday I shared a post about my plans to go back to school, get a second bachelor's, and get a master's.  

The post went up late at night and I woke up in the morning to a few new messages in my inbox.  Mostly well wishes, friends telling me they like my plan or that they have confidence in me.  Some cautious optimism and words of advice.  Warnings of the amount of work it'll take (accompanied by encouragement! no worries!), etc., etc.  

But I also got a couple of messages from friends expressing surprise/worry over the idea of moving back to Long Island.  And I agree.  This does make me nervous.  I've noticed that when I'm on LI I drive between 10-20 mph more than I usually do.  I have road rage when I'm on LI.  I curse a lot.  

Basically, I am so stressed out when I'm there.  My past is filled with toxic people and I get nervous just knowing I'm in the same vicinity as them.  

But I'm also a grown ass woman now and have a better handle on myself.  I know I can't live with my immediate family.  I can stop by and see my siblings, but I need to know I have somewhere else to go.  My friend's family is letting me stay with them and instead of feeling guilty I'm accepting the offer (IF I move back - still need to contact the college).  

I know my own warning signs.  I've picked up on what habits I fall back to when my mood is going downhill.  And, usually, I know what to do to stop myself.  And I've gotten much better with asking for help.  

And then there's the genuine good things about living on Long Island.  The silver linings alluded to in the title of this post and the embarrassing HP story.  

• Over the last six years, I've seen Olivia, my oldest friend, maybe 15 times.  On LI, I'd see her all the time.  (Brace yourself, Liv.)
• The majority of the people I'm closest to live in New York - some on LI, some in Albany.  Albany may be four hours away, but that's an easy drive.  Currently it's a twelve hour drive... not something I can do on any random weekend.
• The beach!  I haven't been swimming in the ocean in years.  Being able to go to the beach whenever I want will be nice. 
• I'll be close to NYC.  
• The food on LI is better than the food in most other places.  
• I can play tennis with my old friend, Dana.  (This is much better than playing against a brick wall.) 
• I prefer the medical care in NY.  And I already have doctors there. 

Those are the main things that come to mind.  So yes, it might be stressful if I move to LI.  But if I pay attention to myself and take the right steps to avoid certain situations, there's a lot of great stuff there, too.  

__

Charlotte 

So you want to work at NASA...

I was so, so hesitant to write this.  Nothing is set in stone yet, I haven't figured out how to pay for things, and there's a chance I'll fail.  The idea of writing all of this out and then not achieving any of it makes me queasy. 

Yesterday I mentioned that I might be going back to school. 

Except, by "might," I mean unless it's entirely impossible, I'm going back to school.  

I don't know how many times I've told my friends, in feigned jest, that I want to be an astronaut.  I should change that to "mostly" feigned jest because I know I'll never be an astronaut.  I have health issues and even if they all get resolved, I'm a wimp.  And even if I overcame my fear, being an astronaut requires a lot of experience.  Yes, that's possible, but not any time soon.  Ten years from now I hope to have kids, and I don't think I'd want to literally leave Earth if I had children.  (Which is funny because most caretakers, including me, have frequent feelings like, "get me away from these monsters darlings.")

Wowsa.  I surprise myself sometimes with how quickly and thoroughly I can veer off topic.  

Anyhow.  While becoming an astronaut is my alter-ego pipe dream, learning about space-related things is very much something I want to do.  Working in that field is something I want to do.  

But Charlotte, you went to school for political science, sociology, and philosophy.... what in the world are you saying?? 

Get it?  What in the world?? heh.  (Thanks, Gilmore Girls.)

I know.  And I love political science, sociology, and philosophy.  

But here's the thing: I don't think it's what I want to do for a living.  I will always be political.  I'm a person who grew up in poverty.  I'm in the working class.  Literally, my livelihood depends on being political.  It depends on social change, on civil disobedience, on standing in solidarity with all those who struggle.  And I will always participate, whenever it is physically possible.  But I don't want it to be my career anymore.  I don't know why I thought that was the only way to be political in the first place.  

I want to work at NASA.  (Or do something related, like work at a school or research center or a museum.)  Remember this quote from The West Wing? 

I want to be a part of that.  And that's something that will only happen if I work hard at it.  (That's not to say being political isn't hard.  But I can be political without working in politics.  I can't help humankind get to Mars just by watching others do it.) 

Unfortunately, none of this is cheap or easy.  I need to be an undergrad again.  And then I need to get a master's.  I've talked to a few people over the last week for some guidance, and they've assured me that it's possible despite finances and lackluster grades from my first stint as a college student.  So far, it looks like I'll first need to take a few courses in physics and calculus at a community college.  Then, if I do well, I need to go back for another bachelor's.  School itself will be hard but these two steps, as far as I can tell, are going to be the hardest.  One, paying for the courses at a community college.  Two, getting into school again.  Sure, I can do exceptionally well in the courses which will help, but it doesn't totally cancel out the fact that I graduated with a low gpa.  So that's not going to be easy.  If I do manage all that though, the next step would be applying to grad school.  

This simultaneously feels exactly right and completely insane.  I'm worried that I'll try to do this and fail.  Or that I'll move back to Long Island - a place that stresses me out - and then won't be able to take the courses.  Or that I'll use money and time taking the courses and then won't get into school, making everything a waste.  I feel like my chances of failure are... astronomical.  Heh. 

But, it could be worse. 

Someone smart said this.

I could keep telling myself I'm not smart enough to pursue a career in math or science.  (Something I started telling myself some time around eighth grade.)  I could keep pretending that my mediocre grades in high school science classes were because I was bad at it, and not because I didn't do homework and skipped class often.  I could ignore the fact that my test grades were usually good, that a teacher recommended I take college courses, that I enjoyed most of my math and science classes.  

I could maintain my current lifestyle, which is completely devoid of goals, work, and purpose.

And I really don't want to do that. 

So I went ahead and made myself a checklist: 

That's all I really want to say on the topic for now.  Here's hoping it happens.  

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Charlotte