Class Consciousness on a Thursday

Just to warn you…… this post includes different topics and there is very little structure because it’s not well thought out, it’s basically just coming from anger.

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It seems like whenever I talk about class-related issues, I get called a Debbie Downer.  Usually it’s because I’m talking about things on a very small level, so people don’t get that I’m talking about actual injustice; they think I’m just complaining about little things again.  This is especially true when I’m talking to people who are middle or upper class. 

Here’s the thing though.  I don’t just enjoy bitching and complaining about everything.  And if you talk to my friends, I think they’d tell you that I’m generally an upbeat person.  I like obnoxiously laughing at bad jokes and I’m easily pleased by the little things in life.  Getting a glimpse of the sunset can make me happy as a pig in shit. 

That said, I do have a lot of things that I can complain about.  And I’m damn tired of people calling me out on it, claiming that I shouldn’t be so angry.  If anything, I should be doing more to highlight my struggles, and working to connect with other people who have similar struggles.  Because it is unacceptable that I am 23 and have the health of a 70 year old.  And it’s unacceptable that I work hard and have worked hard for so many years and am still dirt poor.  I have always been poor, I am poor now, and it is becoming abundantly clear that I always will be poor.  I don’t expect to be 23 and making $200,000 a year.  But I don’t think that my expectation that I should have a stable job with good benefits and a living wage (around $35-45,000/year where I live) is unreasonable.  I’m a fucking person, and yes, that does mean I’m entitled to certain things in life. 

I’m on this little “Debbie Downer rant” right now because I just had lunch.  Shortly after, I realized I had eaten too much.  It hit me that I do this pretty frequently.  I don’t like feeling sick after I eat and I don’t like gaining weight and I don’t like stuffing myself, so I started thinking about why I eat so much sometimes. 

I think it probably has something to do with the fact that food has never been a certainty around these parts.  I wasn’t always starving as a kid.  But there were bad times.  And when times were bad but not exceptionally bad, there was always the knowledge that things could get worse.  So now I guess I have that mentality built into me, and I don’t always realize that I’m acting as though it’s the end of the world.  I also do this with clothes.  A pair of pants might be too big, but who knows when I might put weight on and whether or not I’ll be able to afford new pants at that time.  Or what if a friend is in a bad place and needs clothes and these pants are her size?  I should keep them in case that happens.  Or in case my sister who is 13 years younger than me happens to wear the same pants size when she’s older and she needs clothes.  And blankets.  Oh, blankets.  There’s always the possibility that electric will be turned off and blankets are the only way to keep warm. 

Does all of this sound crazy?  Yes.  I realize that.  But it’s not crazy.  It’s how someone acts when they’ve always been in survival mode.  And it’s exhausting.  And infuriating.  I hate, hate that spring cleaning can mean mentally/emotionally struggling over a pair of pants.  I hate that I catch myself over eating or over buying (when I’m able to) because I’m not sure if I’m always going to have food.  I hate being exhausted all the time.    

I NEED TO EAT ALL OF THIS FOOD.  Because really, I might die.

And the lack of class consciousness and solidarity is fucking heartbreaking.  I was at work and some of my coworkers were talking about people on food stamps.  It was the normal stuff you hear, things about drug testing and poor people buying chocolate bars because GOD FORBID I USE ONE DOLLAR OF MY GOVERNMENT AID ON A KIT KAT BAR.  I mean come on now.  Give me a break.  (Ha, see what I did there?  Give me a break?  Kit kat bar?)  These were working people, too.  And I get it.  I do.  Because I was in school once and I read the textbooks that say hard work gets you money.  So I, even though I was poor, was someone who looked down on poor people (including myself) and made every judgment possible.  But at some point you start to realize that you’re in the same boat.  That you’ve been out of high school for a few years now, that you’re working hard, and you still can’t afford to sleep peacefully at night.  And when that happens you need to ask yourself if hard work really does mean you’ll make money.  And after you ask yourself that question, you’ll see that no, it does not.  Not often anyway.  Hard work alone doesn’t get you anything but a really sore body and/or mind.  And if you don’t realize all of this right away, FINE.  But then listen to fellow poor people and working class people.  And believe them.  Start developing class consciousness.

And honestly, this might sound harsh because it is, but evaluate what kind of person you want to be.  As recently as two years ago I was spouting some of that “well if you get two jobs and dress nicely you can get out of poverty” and “if you were really poor you wouldn’t be spending $5 on McDonalds” bullshit.  But then I thought about it, and I don't want to be someone who cares about a man spending $1 of his food stamps on a candy bar.  I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks wearing your pants around your knees justifies police brutality.

Poverty is more complex than that.  I’m going to write a follow up on how fucking hard it is to be poor but want to be not-poor, but I need to wait until my brain isn’t just a sphere of rage….

Speaking of rage.  STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE TO NOT BE ANGRY.  You know how people insult black people by saying, “it’s just another angry black wo/man.”  That is messed up, man.  First, anger isn’t what’s motivating every single thing every single moment.  Also, black people have every right to be angry.  We’re still a racist country and world and black people are losing their brothers, sisters, daughters, and sons every day, whether to murder, the school to prison pipeline, depression, what have you.  That is 100% justification for anger.  And when poor people complain about their struggles, stop telling them to shut up and stop whining.  Stop telling them to work harder.  We’re living in the richest country in the world, and we are starving.  And/or cold.  And/or sick.  For no other reason than we were born into poverty.  (I’m not even delving into intersectionality right now.) 

Similarly, stop shitting on the word “entitlement.”  I get that it’s hard to change your entire worldview from a capitalist one to a humane one, but people are entitled to a good livelihood.  In a world of resources (resources that are being depleted by the rich, by the way), there is no reason for poverty.  I wake up in the morning, and I should – absolutely should – have food, regardless of my character.  And while hard work should get you nice things, it’s also basic decency to keep people fed and clothed, no matter what.  And almost all poor people work hard.  Harder than most.  Yet they suffer in unimaginable ways.    

I get up every morning, go to work, come home, go back to work, come home, and go to bed.  I eat a few meals in between.  I postpone my laundry to days where I know I get my paycheck.  I pay whichever bills I can.  I leave $1.01 in my bank account so that I can fill my car up at the gas station on credit, knowing I have a few days before they take the money out, and hoping I can either ask a family member or get a medical reimbursement before then, or else pay the $35 overdraft fee.  It’s a constant nightmare and struggle.  I’m 23 and have to consider almost daily the idea of moving back in with my family, which is plain and simple bad for my mental and physical health.

None of this is okay, none of it is what any person deserves, and all of it is completely preventable with some class consciousness and solidarity.  The ultra-rich are the ones to blame and are the ones who must be stopped. 

_

Charlotte

Religion is Not a Crutch

My group of friends is a pretty accepting one.  And a diverse one - Christians, Jews, Agnostics, Muslims, and people who describe themselves as "spiritual."  And no shortage of atheists.

While none of them are malicious, many of my friends think that religion is a crutch.  I don't believe they mean this in a bad way - they just haven't fully thought about it.  They don't believe in God or they don't believe Jesus is the savior, but they're okay with people who are religious because "anything that gets you through the day is good."

Religion, many people think, is a way to cope with the struggles of life... and nothing more.  This is interesting to me, because while I see and understand the good and the grace of God and all that wonderful stuff, more often than not, religion itself isn't getting me through the day.  In fact, it's usually what keeps me up at night.  It's often challenging and frustrating and nine times out of ten, it makes me question basically everything.  It makes me crazy.  

I don't know if this is a self-pity thing or a blame game thing, but I can't count the amount of times I've wondered why I "got stuck" with the life I did.  And for people who believe in God, this often means asking something along the lines of, "If God is good, why would he let this happen to me?"  Sure, I tell myself that God has His own plans and I just don't understand them yet, but if I'm being honest, usually I'm a skeptic and I get caught up in doubt more often than I should and I sit and wonder why the things that happen do.  I think about how different my life could have been if I was born into different circumstances and question whether or not God knew what He was doing (or if he really cared at all).  Trying to figure out why bad things keep happening, or why bad things have happened, is anything but comforting.  My religion calls me to look at my struggling and see how I can make good of it.  My childhood had a solid amount of different kinds of abuse, and like most people who experience that, it affects me today.  Looking at it generally just makes me mad (justifiably so, I think) and upset.  Asking myself to try to see a plan in all of that?  Or to see the good that came from it?  That is a very difficult thing to do.  So when people say, "religion is a crutch.  It keeps people comfortable," I don't get mad, but I do wonder if they've ever really thought about religion and what people of faith are called to do.  Trying to find the good, the divine, in such horrible memories is not comfortable or fun or filled with joy.  It's often torturous.       

If trying to stay faithful during my own struggles is hard, remaining faithful during other people's struggles is even harder.  It's very, very hard to read a story about a family who lost their child or a family separated by war and to not wonder about God's plan.  Can we find peace in knowing there IS a plan?  Sure.  But that doesn't cancel out the fact that we can't comprehend why something is happening.  Knowing God is in control is good, but still, knowing we're not in control is hard.  It's uncomfortable.  

Beyond that, Catholics believe that every person is a miracle from God, each with his or her own gifts, talents, and purpose.  That means that I can't just sit on my sofa watching movies all day.  I need to challenge myself to find what I'm good at and then find the confidence to go share it with the world.  Basically, we should all be figuring out how we, as individuals, can contribute to community efforts.  That is hard.  That is uncomfortable.  

What's worst, for me, is that being Catholic has changed how I look at almost everything.  I've always been Catholic, but I only recently got my stuff together, so I pretty much ignored religion for approximately 21 years.  So let me just lay out how I used to think.  

My values pretty much went something like this: 

1. America 

2. Family (by that I mean friends)

3. Education

4. Health 

5. Others 

WHAT.  This translated into really bad opinions.  I thought illegal immigrants were horrible, I thought that we should always stick up for America, even if we were wrong (which also meant I was pro-bombing whatever it was America wanted to bomb on any given day).  I was as pro-free market as a 16 year old could be (textbooks teach that capitalism is good, everything else is bad).  My values were a hot mess.  Starting to explore the Church's teachings threw everything I thought I knew out of the window. 

How could I continue to think that illegal immigrants were bad?  I couldn't.  God doesn't love Americans more than He loves other people.  All of us are brothers and sisters, yes?  So then I really can't think that Americans are more important than anyone else.  While I can love America because it's my home, I also needed to start thinking more broadly.  Suddenly, I realized that before being an American, I'm a human and a global citizen.  

Guys, this just makes things harder.  It means acknowledging the fact that America isn't what you thought it was.  It means questioning your entire history and changing the way you think about current events.  Basically, it hits you that you need to care about and honor everyone.  (Which is why, by the way, capitalism isn't okay.  When competition and low prices means a person in China is working for a dollar a day, it's unacceptable.) 

Aside from the added stress that comes (and pain and solidarity and collective grief) when you identify as a citizen of the world, you're also challenged.  God says love thy neighbor.  Surely love means "fight with" when your neighbor is being oppressed.  It means take a little less if your neighbor needs more.  And so Catholicism is a constant call to action and sacrifice.  And that's not always comforting.  

Just to make it clear that I don't think my religion is some huge burden - I do believe that it is inherently good.  God is good, the Church is good.  And it's filled with joy.  Happily, these struggles go both ways - yes, I'm called to help my neighbor, but he is called to help me, too.  I know that when I'm struggling along side someone, I need them just a much as they need me.  And the questioning, the doubting?  It results in good.  I'm glad my mind has been changed.  I've noticed that I've started to love people more.  I mean people as in humanity - I still take forever to be comfortable with people on a personal level because... issues.  But I like people in general.  That wasn't something I could say a few years ago.  A screaming baby would have annoyed me.  An old person driving really slow down a one lane road would have made me crazy.  That's just not usually the case for me anymore.  But it wasn't easy or comfortable getting to this point (nor is it easy maintaining it...).  Peace and joy are good things, but the journey to reach them is arduous and filled with doubt and disappointment and fear and anger.  People say that religion exists only to help folks cope with their circumstances, but I don't think that's true.  Catholicism doesn't tell me to accept the world for what it is.  It tells me to accept that the world and everything in it is God's creation and that I need to do whatever I can to make it better, to alleviate unnecessary suffering.  I think that's more of a challenge than a crutch.         

And then there's the argument that religion is just a way for people to deal with grief.  Yes, being surrounded by people who share your suffering and offer prayers is wonderful.  Yes, knowing that there is a communion of saints praying with you in times of need is comforting.  And understanding that you're going to be okay because you're in God's hands brings peace.  These things all bring warm, fuzzy feelings, right?  But that warmth, I think, stems from knowing that God is there and that He has a plan.  But not being able to see Him, standing in total faith, not yet understanding His plan is daunting; it's not terrible, but it's terribly large.  It's beyond anything any of us can fully comprehend.

I don't think there is anything less comfortable, less convenient, less crutch-like in the world. 

_

Charlotte

  

Amusing & Confusing

I work with kids, and I used to include funny quotes of theirs on my Weeklings, but since there are many weeks where I don't work with the kids, I decided to just make their quotes into separate posts.  Kids are insane little humans. 

"Hey Char... are you in a mean-Charlotte-mood or a fun-Charlotte-mood?" 

I'm always in both, kid.  

"Well you will probably lose at this because you're old, so your bones are bitter." 

 I can only assume he meant brittle?  We were playing baseball.  I did, in fact, lose. 

"You're mad at me for THAT?  Well then we'll see what happens outside at the sandbox." 

Well okay then.  Some hot tempers. 

"Charlotte, you should probably just be a mom.  Because you're really good at being mean.  But sometimes you're fun."

Thanks for the vote of confidence.  I'll get right on that. 

(If bathroom talk freaks you out, skip this one.)

"Okay, sorry but you're going to be out here waiting.  I need to poop.  I didn't poop today, and all people are supposed to poop.  So I'm going to go ahead and poop." 

Thanks for the health lesson and thanks for letting me know you've got your priorities straight. 

"You can't make fun of me because I'm just like you.  If you make fun of me, you're making fun of yourself." 

Fair point. 

"I'm in fourth grade.  Third graders are so childish."

Indeed. 

"Can you please tell us if Jackie is older than us?  She's 6 and we're 5." 

I mean I get that you're in kindergarten, but come on. 

"You'd probably be a chocolate chip cookie, if you really were going to be a cookie." 

This said as I made my way to the cookie jar, spot of shame for all duck-duck-goose players. 

"I had a great day!  I had a terrific day!  I was great!  And I was behaved!  And I moved up on the list!  And those other girls didn't listen to the teacher, no they did not!  No no no.  But I DID." 

The reward system some teachers use don't work with all kids, but they definitely work on this kid. 

Little back story on this one real quick - we have a kid who has a nick name.  Let's say his real name is Chris (It's not, but I don't want to use his real name on here.)  But he goes by LJ.  LJ doesn't include the initial of his real first name. 

"Hey, what does 'LJ' stand for?" 

"It stands for LJ." 

"But what do the L and J mean?"

"They mean LJ." 

"What's your full name?" 

"It's Chris.  Or LJ." 

In an attempt to ask the question a different way... "How did you get that nick name?" 

"Well, I didn't have a good nick name.  And then we found a good nick name." 

Excellent.  Don't worry, mystery was eventually solved.  

"Hello Kitty inspires me." 

For me it was Barney, but hey. 

The joy. 

_

Charlotte 

Baby Rants + I Need Some Advice + Wonderful Music

The title of this post might be misleading.  I'm not devoting this to babies.  These are just some half-assed rants about everything and anything.  "Mini Rants" would probably be more appropriate, so as not to suggest I'm ranting about little humans.  When I realized that "baby rants" might be interpreted as rants about actual babies I was highly amused so I decided to create that there^ picture and from now on when I have little rants to go on (like this paragraph is becoming), I'm going to use it.  Totally irrelevant.  Although I could totally devote a whole post to babies because apparently my body and/or brain has been baby craving like it's my job.  Lord knows I nearly die when I pass baby clothes in a store.  But.......anyway.  MUCH DIGRESS. 

There have been, as always, about 54 things annoying me lately.  I've considered writing individual posts for some of them, but then decided, after rational thought, "nahhh."  So instead, I'll devote a paragraph of bitching to some of them.  Yay! 

1. Ferguson/Race/Police Brutality

Police brutality is an issue for everyone, sure.  Not going to deny that.  Some police abuse their power, and they do so in a way that victimizes anyone.  That said, race is an issue.  Fellow white people, please stop insisting otherwise.  Black folks and white folks do not have the same experiences in America, and the killing of Michael Brown have shed light on one of the many, many ways black people are dehumanized in America.  If I hear one more person say, "they're playing the race card again," or "they should just listen to the cops," or "if they didn't dress and act the way they do, this wouldn't happen," I'm going to go insane.  Other white people, please stop insisting that people of color act the way you act.  Wearing saggy pants does not make a person less of a person.  Cursing at a police officer does not justify being shot and killed by a police officer.  And playing the race card isn't a thing.  It's not a card.  It's a goddam struggle, and all people should be mad about it and black people have every single right to be pissed about it.  I could go much deeper on this, but these are BABY RANTS.  If you want more info on this, do a simple google search and you'll be able to real quick-like get the statistics. 

2. The leaked nude pictures of actresses, including Jennifer Lawrence

Let's just 1 2 3 get this straight - it's not okay to leak naked photos of any person, regardless of any circumstances.  And this wasn't just theft.  It was a sex crime.  When you purposely attack certain people, predominantly women, and purposely look for photos that are sexual, and intentionally leak them knowing that they are going to be used in a sexual way, you're committing a sex crime and it DOES echo rape culture in America.  It does, then, pertain to women's issues.  Most men seem to insist that this isn't the case.  A lot of women have a hard time seeing this too, presumably because we're taught that you're the devil if you take naked pictures of yourself but I'm not sure if that's why.  I do know that it doesn't matter if you take naked pictures, it doesn't matter if you're a celebrity, it doesn't matter if iCloud isn't the most secure place to store things.  It's a fucking crime and the victims are just that - victims - who deserve our respect and empathy and support just like any victim of a crime.  UGH I am so sickened by the response this got. 

3. The Middle East and President Obama

(I probably should be more specific, but I mean, ISIS, Israel, Palestine.... all of it.)  

I'm not a pacifist.  I think there are certain (though few) times where military action is necessary.  For instance, when one country is slaughtering the people of another.  I'm not like, filled with hatred for Israelis by any means, but their leadership is fucked up, much like our own.  You don't fucking oppress people and kill people.  That's not defense.  America's politicians are mostly (and obnoxiously) pro-Israel, and I think that's a damn shame.  Both Israel and Palestine have their issues, and being pro-Israel isn't going to end the constant violence happening there.  As far as ISIS goes... again, I'm not against military action in some cases.  But any time this president says he's going to use force, I get worried.  If he was truly using it for the right reasons, he'd also be using it in other areas of the world, like Gaza and like Ukraine.  I get a little weary when he says we're doing any kind of military work, because it probably means we're going to go kill people, often innocent people, for self-interest.  Or I should probably say for the interest of our military contractors.  I guess my point is that I'm pissed off. 

Okay, I'm getting in too bad of a mood to continue this here practice, so moving on to advice.

HELP! 

It's hard for me to admit this, but I was totally making dip earlier and I thought to myself, while stirring the sour cream, "Wow, my arm is getting tired."

YOU GUYS.  That is unacceptable.  I mean it's hilarious in a sad sort of way.  But mostly that is bad bad bad.  I mean, my arm was sore from making a delicious, unhealthy snack.  Prayers going up to Saint Jude, patron of lost causes.

I wrote earlier how I wanted to lose weight and become healthier.  Then shit went down.  One, I have health issues.  I have an enlarged spleen and they haven't yet figured out what's causing it.  But I'm in pain whenever my body is straight.  Which means when I'm trying to sleep and when I'm standing up or walking.  You can see how this is problematic, yes?  And two, I stopped taking medicine a few weeks ago.  One of the side effects of this medicine was that my appetite was suppressed.  So now, not so much.  I swear I am hungry ALL THE TIME.  I can eat a full, healthy meal and five minutes later feel hungry again. 

Together, this makes for weight gain and a rapid decrease in my overall health.  I feel totally out of shape.  Like worse than before, if that's possible.  I've tried working out numerous times and the pain I feel is unbelievable.  I know to expect pain since I'm not in shape, but it specifically makes the abdominal pain that I always feel get a thousand times worse.  And I'm not supposed to take otc pain killers because my liver enzymes are out of whack.  I try to mostly eat okay foods (the dip obviously was an example of NOT okay), and I'm eating regular meals with regular proportions, and I've upped the amount of fruits, vegetables, and water I take in every day.  But it hasn't curbed my appetite at all.  

So I've got this issue where my regular work out is excruciating and I'm a never-ending hungry person.  do any of you know of exercises that WORK and that don't involve standing too long or too much abdominal stress?  Please don't say yoga.  My body can't do those things and I don't see how that strengthens muscle....  Or some incredible power food that ends hungers?  

And lastly, ending on a positive note, MUSIC.  If you're here thinking I'm talking about real "Good" music, leave.  When I say wonderful music I mean these are the cheap fun entertainment type of songs that I JAM to in my car.  And in my house.  And in my sleep.  Oh gosh I love this summer's music.  Here are my current favorites: 

1. Don't - Ed Sheeran 

2. Bang Bang - a bunch of people

3. Anaconda - Nicki Minaj (oh good Lord I love this song.  It's all types of vulgar, but I love it.  And I crack up at "he toss my salad like his name was Romaine.) 

4. Trumpets - Jason Derulo 

5. Shake it Off - Taylor Swift (I do not like Taylor Swift at all.  Her songs are annoyingly entertaining though.  Ugh.)

6. All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor 

Am I missing any??

Thanks for hanging around for the never-ending post.

_

Charlotte