I'm gonna call this

"what happens when you're bored and read an article about the greatness of facial hair."

Thank God for picmonkey.com, am I right?  What else could one possible do on a sunny winter Saturday?

__
Charlotte

Person: Olivia

Olivia is my oldest friend.  We've known each other for around 18 years now (almost 80% of our lives!!!).  She's got the guaranteed spot as my maid of honor unless she does something really, really bad before then.  (So, Liv, no killing anyone or anything like that, mkay?)  

She and I are complete opposites in so many ways.  She basically doesn't sleep at night, I go to bed early.  I get up at the crack of dawn, she can sleep well past 10am.  She listens to horrible music, I listen to great music.  (kidding.. mostly.)  Olivia is like, hella fancy and always looks good, and I usually look, well, regular.  She's loud, I'm quiet.  She's got this great big family who like each other and have parties and gatherings, and I have a family that is complicated, let's say.  She is not a fan of politics, I am.  She acts her age, I act like an old lady.  We're just very different people. 

example: Liv like, "let's take a pic, it will be fun!" Char like, "can we not?"

But, I think, we totally compliment each other when we are together.  We have fun together.  Also, we are both incredibly funny.  Like, very, very funny.  

Olivia is a bit more assertive than I am, and she helps me to be like that when I need to be.  It's good, because I have very little confidence and don't always speak up for myself when I should.  So tg for Liv, you know? 

We grew up in sort of rough circumstances.  This one woman down the street used to actually call us (and our other friends) names because she didn't like our parents and we didn't have money.  And I sort of wish that lady was still living in the neighborhood and could see that Olivia went to school to become a sort of medical person (I don't know the technical things, but I mean, she gets to wear scrubs), and that she works in a doctor's office and is responsible and helps sick little kids all day.  In other words, I wish she could see that Olivia is: 

and resilient and accomplished and NOT a snooty tooty a-hole.  You know, not the kind of person who makes fun of poor kids.  

She's always been outspoken and between the two of us she was the bossier one, but also the one who had a lot of the fun ideas.  And also the bad ideas, like having a fight with stuffed animals that had batteries in them aka were capable of giving bloody noses if hit in the right way.  A house was built in our neighborhood (in my backyard, actually) and we used to go in the house when the construction crews left.  Trespassing.  But so much fun.  Her dad built a fort in their backyard and I remember just hanging out in there in cooler weather and on top of it in warmer weather (because Olivia thought tanning burning was a good idea).  

Her family treats me like family.  She helps me out when I need it and I'm pretty confident she'd do anything for me.  (It's mutual, Oliver.  I gotchyu.)  I mean, the girl shared her bed with me when I had nowhere else to really go.  

I dread/cannot wait until we have kids.  I say dread because like, she's going to be the aunt that thinks it's a good idea to go swimming in a storm or some shit and I'll be worried, but I think that my kids will end up having a good relationship with her and hers with me.  It'll be sweet.  

As for dreams, Olivia wants to...... own horses.  And one day she will.  Because she hesitates for a little while (mostly because she worries about the people around her), but when it comes down to it she does what she needs/wants to.  

I keep trying to get her to move to Albany so we can live out our childhood dream of living together.

She just sent me a message asking me when this post will be published, so maybe I should wrap it up?  

She is that friend where we can go months/years without seeing each other (but let's not, okay?) and we'd pick up right from the start.  She kind of feels like part of me more than a friend.  I constantly doubt myself and my ability to like, keep people in my life, but I have never had a doubt about Olivia.  She and I are going to be in each other's lives, annoying and enriching one another, until one of us dies.  And even then, we'll probably haunt each other.  

18 years and counting. 

xoxo. 

__

Charlotte 

February Book List

So last year I tried a year-long book list (broken up into months), but it didn't give me enough room to add books, and I ended up just reading things that weren't on the list.  No bueno.  This year I'm making them each month instead.

My January list looked like this:

1. Wicked by Gregory Maguire

2. And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie

3. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

4. Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery

5. The Book Thief (I am almost done with this, but stopped reading it for some reason.  Time to finish.)

I thought that having surgery would mean I'd be cool to read a lot.  Turns out recovery hasn't been giving me a ton of time to read because I get a bit dizzy and nauseous after about 10 minutes of reading (or staring at a computer screen, or watching a tv, etc. etc.).  So that's not fun.  I decided to move One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich to February since I lost a bit of reading time.  I'm starting the Christie book tomorrow and am just about done with the others. 

For February, I'm only reading books I already have and I'm trying to include some of the ones I didn't get to last year.  

1. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

2. 1/3 of The Bully Pulpit by Doris Kearns Goodwin (I know myself, and this is going to take me three months.)

3. Red China Blues by Jan Wong

4. At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks

So here's hoping February brings less Property Brothers HGTV binge-watching and a little more intellectual activity (because a Nicholas Sparks novel is a lofty work of intellect). 

__

Charlotte 

Midnight (Thought) Train to Georgia

(Not actually midnight.)

I'm in freezing cold New York, staying at my friends' apartment.  So I'm sitting here thinking I should write a blog post because it's been a hot minute since the last one and I did say I was going to write more.  Queen of Follow Through.  Not my name now, but hopefully one day.  

But what to write about?  And then I remembered, I said I'd follow the inspirational lead of the topic-generator and write about people who cut in line.  Enthralling topic, I know.  But then I decided I do have at least a little dignity and if I can't write a post of good quality, I could at least up the quantity (everyone's favorite lesson, right out the nearest window).  And so, I'm going to just write out every single thought that goes through my head over the next few minutes.  Am I creative or am I creative?  None of the above.  

Real quick since I promised: people who cut in line are jerks.  Unless you're a child who can't totally comprehend the enormity of what you just did.  Or if you're on the way to ER or something, but you could have asked.  And I've seen people genuinely cut without realizing they did.  They're excused. 

(I just got off the phone with a doctor from the obgyn practice I go to.  The doctor who called me isn't my usual doctor.  She suggested I take Motrin or Advil for some pain I have.)

I hate endometriosis.  She said I should take Advil or Motrin but my doctor said only Tylenol, and I can't take that because of my liver.  What the fuck.  Maybe I should just do it and take the Advil.  But then again do I really want to die on the operating table Tuesday?  Who am I kidding, I'm not going to die.  That'd be simple.  I'll probably have to end up being opened and have fucking cancer or something.  Wow I am like a whiny child right now.  I should probably be less like that.  Then again, I do have horrendous luck.  I'm sitting with my legs crossed.  Maybe I shouldn't do that because I'm having surgery and I probably shouldn't increase my chances of blood clots.  Then again, this is not Tuesday and people sit with their legs crossed ALL THE TIME.  I'm a lady, dammit!  Though my legs aren't crossed in a lady-like way.  Why is it lady-like to cross you legs anyway?  Ohhhhh probably the skirts.  I hate skirts.  Even if I wasn't fat my legs would still rub together when I wear skirts because I have low arches.  Thanks for not fixing that when I was little, mom.  Pants are nicer anyway.  You can do more in them.  If I had to run from someone I'd rather be in pants.  Why would I need to run from someone???  I'm being ridiculous.  Or am I?  CONSTANT VIGILANCE.  Oh man I love Harry Potter.  Probably too much.  Whatever.  Maybe I should be reading right now instead of sitting on the computer.  I should probably finish reading Wicked since I only have a few pages left.  That book turned into such a disappointment though.  ugh.  I should just keep reading Anne of Green Gables.  If I had read that as a kid I'd probably have been super jealous of Anne.  Getting to move to a beautiful place and shit?  You're jealous of an ORPHAN, Charlotte.  You're a monster.  Ohhh or like Matilda, I was always jealous of Matilda when I was little.  That B got a new family AND super powers.  What the Hell.  I didn't get any super powers to deal with my problems.  Stop.  Stahhhhp.  You're like 23 and reverting back to your 10 year old self and you're actually getting jealous of a fictional character.  Good Lord.  Hey the Lord probably wouldn't want me to be jealous of anyone, fictional or not.  But maybe the Lord shouldn't have put me in my situation then.  Oh shit, just kidding.  That's like blasphemy or something.  I take it back, God.  Sorry.  It's weird to be talking to God in my head.  It's weird that He can hear me thinking about how He can hear me.  Fuck.  Oh did I pray last night?  Yeah I did.  Okay cool.  

(After looking at the tabs I have open, I see that I still have this.)

I really, really am curious if this works.  I don't know if you can fall in love with someone from answering 36 questions.  Then again some of them are pretty personal.  Yeah I guess it could work.  I should try this with my male friends who aren't jerks.  I should try it on __________!  Charlotte, try it on him?  He's not a lab rat, I'd have to try it WITH him.  Not ON.  Like Katie Holmes would say precision of language.  It was Katie Holmes in The Giver, right?  Oh man.  I liked that movie.  I mean the book was way better but the movie was intriguing.  Mr. Campisi!  He made us read The Giver.  He was so cool.  Ha, he used to love those deli potato chips.  I wonder how he is doing.  Oh my God, he might be dead.  That's horrible!!  I kind of feel bad for thinking it.  Then again people die and he was old.  I'm not horrible for thinking it.  Oh noooooo.  Mrs. Halley is probably not alive anymore either.  I hope she is!! She'd be like 95.  People live to 95.  She was awesome.  What was she, my 2nd grade teacher?  Yeah pretty sure it was 2nd grade.  Oh man, I remember getting into a fight in 2nd grade because that girl Shannon said Santa wasn't real.  How fucking dare she.  Wow I'm still sitting with my legs crossed.  I'm going to end up getting a blood clot.  But I always sit like this and am fine.  Although I've been sitting down alllll day.  I should maybe walk around and move like a normal person.  I hate not having a job or life.  This is getting depressing.  I need to think about something else.  What was I just thinking of???  I should take some Omega 3 or something.  

I should go enter those giveaways on The Freckled Fox.  I probably won't win though.  Why is my luck so bad?  Whatever.  I still can't believe that blogger is only slightly older than me.  I need to get a life.  Kids and a husband and a house and I'm over here like oh, maybe I should write a fucking rambling blog post.  Yeah, accomplishment.  STOP, CHARLOTTE.  Gosh you get yourself into a bad mood.  

Okay, okay good mood.  I should re watch that video of the baby laughing at paper being ripped or something.  Or oh!  The video of Bruno Mars singing Uptown Funk on Ellen.  That is a damn good song.  Let me cross my legs the other way for a little while, maybe that will help prevent blood clots.  I need to stop freaking panicking about blood clots.  Uptown Funk is incredible.  Now I kind of want to dance.  You can't dance, Charlotte, you are in excruciating pain.  Ugh this sucks so bad.  I do love Ellen Degeneres.  She's hilarious.  Melissa McCarthy was on her show the other day.  I LOVE Melissa McCarthy.  I am probably biased though because I'd love anyone from Gilmore Girls.  Except the dude who plays Kirk.  I do not like Kirk.  I wish he hadn't been a character on that show.  I love most of the other ones though.  I'm so sad that the actor who played Richard Gilmore passed away.  That's heartbreaking.  I wonder if they'd still consider doing a movie now that he wouldn't be in it?  And how would Emily react?  She wanted to die first.  This is devastating.  That poor woman.  I'm getting sad over fictional characters again.  This is pathetic.  I bet Emily wouldn't approve of my love of pants and hatred of skirts.  She's so classy.  I bet she has napkin rings.  I want napkin rings.  I need to save money.  Is it weird that I'm including napkin rings in my list of things I want within five years?  It's probably weird.  It's just so I can actually picture things and have a goal to work toward.  Lifelong goal: napkin rings.  I am basically the definition of ambition, no?  I'm grateful Fran taught me what napkin rings are.  I wonder how she is.  I will need to ask.  Stephanie probably has her number.  She has napkin rings.  I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  I should have become an astronaut.  Why didn't I become an astronaut?  Or at least study science and work at NASA.  That would have been amazing.  Too late now.  I don't know what I want to do.  I really want to write but that's not completely realistic if I want to also eat and have a place to live.  Low battery?  Damn it.  Now I have to get up to get the cord.  Well maybe I'll decrease the chance of blood clots by standing. 

Wow it's 3:00pm.  I should eat something.  I can't eat something.  I'd probably just throw it up.  I cannot wait until this health crap is over.  With my luck it isn't close to over.  Stop being an idiot, Charlotte.  You're going to be healthy at some point.  It'd be good if it's before I'm like, 25 though.  I should read this fucking book.  I have two books from Amazon coming.  I should check their status.  Those will be fun to read.  I really need to read more.  I'm gonna go read Anne of Green Gables now.  

Wow wow wow the end. 

__
Charlotte

Being THAT Friend

Tomorrow I drive back to Albany for surgery.  Surgery is next week, but I have the pleasure of blood draws and whatnot beforehand.  In this post I wrote about how bad things have been coming my way left and right.  Well, my suffering has sucked but it's also been annoying for my friends.  I mean, they deny it, and they probably mean it.  But I hate hate hate the fact that I've basically been troubling them every time something bad happens.

I'm not self-deprecating here and saying I'm a bad friend.  I actually think I'm a fairly good friend.  I try to listen to my friends and their goals and their dreams and blah blah blah you get it.  I try to be mindful of them, I try to regularly talk to them.  I try to encourage them and challenge them (and to decipher when they need challenging vs when they need a break).  I think they probably know that if they want to talk I'm all ears and that if they need me, ain't no mountain high enough.  But this isn't about being a bad friend, it's about feeling like a really, really annoying friend.

(I wrote this post a few weeks back and said that people shouldn't worry so much about burdening their friends so maybe I should don a lead robe, but whatever, VENTING.  Right?)

As I get ready to go back to Albany, I keep updating my friends because they're going out of their way BIG time to help me get this crap done.  And I just hate it.  I mean, I love that I have wonderful friends.  I hate that I need to get help from them again.  I wish that I could just go there and enjoy them and not worry about bugging them.  Again, this is mostly me and not at all them.  

I cannot count the amount of times that my friends have taken off work or left work early or went to work late in the last year to drive me to doctor appointments.

For two or three weeks, my friend Olivia literally shared her bed with me.  (1. Thank God for queen beds.  2. I'm a great co-sleeper.  Olivia, on the other hand, is not.  <3 u Liv.)

And good Lord, if I'm having a bad mental health day (those days are often lately), they get to hear me worry and stress and complain about the same or similar things over and over again.

Basically, I've been more on the receiving end of my friendships and less on the giving side for the last few months.  And it will probably be like that in the coming months.  And I really need to figure out a way to get over that.  If the situation were reversed, I'd be telling my friends to shut up and let me help and to not worry about it.  It's so annoying that the way we feel toward friends isn't usually the way we feel toward ourselves.

Okay, so vent over.  If you read ALL of my posts, you know that I never have a good ending on vent posts.  So, as is tradition, I'll end with something totally unrelated.  How about this scene from Into the Woods?  Hilarious and easily my favorite part of the movie.

Skip to 2:22.  You're welcome.

__
Charlotte

2014 --> 2015

Oh Lord.

I opened a package from Stephanie, one of my closest friends, a few weeks before Christmas.  Inside was a notebook with a picture of Dr. Seuss on it.  I opened the cover and saw that Steph had written "The Parking Lot" on the first page.  Other than that, there were just blank pages.

"So, is this like a little game?  She gives me a title and I have to write a story or something?  That's very cool.  And a little demanding..."

Alas, that was not the purpose.  I found a letter she had folded and stealthily placed in the back of the book.

Something you need to know about Stephanie: she is one of those people who believe in "positive thinking."  I mean, I believe in positive thinking.  I'm pretty positive this glass of Coke I'm about to have is going to be delicious.  My point is that Stephanie would read The Secret and believe it.  I'm a little more cynical and don't know if writing down things that I like about myself are going to make me happier or more confident or productive, you know?  But yes.  Steph has always been into making lists and reading positive quotes and all that.  She is also very organized and she does have really good habits that I probably should have picked up on while we were roomies, but hindsight, right?

"The Parking Lot" is a blank book where you write any random thoughts or notes you may have throughout the day and want to think about or dive a little deeper into later on.  I make fun of Stephanie (and other positive thinking followers...) but it's a good idea.  So good that I've actually told all three people I talk to about it.  YOU MUST DO IT.

I bring this up because I have a case of procrastination, and I keep meaning to put this book into my bag, but I continue to not do that.  Because God forbid I have to walk back up a flight of stairs to get it out of the drawer and place it in said bag.  Since I haven't done it yet, I haven't written down any of the blog post ideas I've had over the last few days-weeks.  Which means I sat down at my computer a little while ago and had absolutely no idea what I wanted write. 

Which brings me to another close friend, Liz.  Liz, bless her soul, is pretty much my go-to person when I am experiencing any problem or non-problem.  Sorry Liz!  So I go on Facebook and I tell Liz that I want to write a blog post, but I have no idea what to write about.  Liz suggests using a topic generator.  So one google search later, and I get this:

"How to take a screen shot" in my screen shot.  I am a real professional.  (Also, I am good about reading emails.  Also, in case you're really looking at the pic and want to know what I was reading, go check out this post about Catholics and politics.)

After looking at those suggestions, I was like............ what.  So, obviously, I looked up another generator, and it suggested I write about people who cut in line.  This is hilarious and I will be writing it.  Just not now.  But I mean, something to look forward to, amirite?

I don't have an idea for a nice cohesive post to write, so time for everyone's favorite thing to read: rambling.

I know it's January 10th, but I guess a good thing to do is be a huge follower and do what every other blogger on the planet does - reflect on 2014 and lay down some hope and plans (hahahahaha) for 2015. 

Semi-quick vent about a big part of 2014.  Skip if you don't like whiny vents.

This may be a bitch thing to do, but I have not written much about someone who really screwed me over this year, and I am going to do that now.  I haven't because I'm not really into the idea of talking about people and not to them, but now that I am thinking about it, this blog has maybe two regular readers and both of them know about this person.  Pretty much this is venting to no one, and my hope is that I stop fucking dwelling on this one person's horrible effect on my life this year.  Also, I don't use names, so really, who cares.    

I had a few "bosses" at my job.  One of them, the one most involved in our work, hired me with the understanding that I was going to work in the main office 2-3 days a week and in the other offices (each between one and two hours away) 2-3 days a week.  That was the deal.  I did that for a while, and it was a strain, but it was doable.  A few months into the job, and this person told me I needed to start going to the other, distant offices five days a week.  Well, I got sick (like, to the point of being hospitalized and needing surgery) and was not physically capable of doing that.  It would mean never being able to get to the doctor because I'd be out of my city from 8am until 6-8pm.  On top of that, it would have cost me $800 after partial reimbursement every month.  That's literally half of what I was bringing home every month.  So, I was "let go" because I couldn't do DOUBLE what I was hired to do.  And the explanation was that the 2-3 days/week plan was only temporary.  Seems like something I should have known, no?  But then, just to make it worse, during the meeting in which they let me know I was being let go, this person guaranteed me that I'd still have the medical reimbursement program.  Guaranteed that for the rest of the year, I'd be able to get my health costs paid.  So, I sent in my receipts for various appointments that totaled around $500 only to find out that nope, I was not allowed to be reimbursed.  Ha.  I know $500 is not the end of the world, but when you're trying to figure out how to pay your rent and you would have put the appointments off until medicaid kicked in a month later, that shit can hurt.  I can't even explain how angry I was an sometimes still am.  I do really need to just stop thinking about it though, because there's nothing I can do about it.  But not thinking about things that shouldn't be thought about is not my strong suit. 

Vent over.  

So yes, 2014.  Of course there were a lot of good things, but overall, the things I remember most are rough.  Needing surgery, losing my job.  Finding out there was something wrong with my liver, then my spleen, then finding out there is something wrong with a lymph node in my abdomen.  I've had abnormal blood results every time I've had blood drawn this year (20+ times).  Finding out there's a mass on my ovary (and stressing about what that could mean when it comes to having kids).    

One of my coworkers lost her son when he suddenly passed away.  Another found out her dad has cancer.  One is struggling to survive financially.  One whose family is losing their home.  Just a lot of bad things. 

There were some good things, which I'm going to write because good God I just put myself in a bad mood.  Guardians of the Galaxy came out.  Also Maleficent.  I became closer with some of my friends.  Even though I ended up losing it, I had a job, which is good because now I know what that feels like, and if I didn't I wouldn't be motivated to try hard to get one I love.  I bought a car that I love.  Liz got a job that isn't (I think?  Liz?) completely 100% her dream job but is basically it and is what she is good at and loves and that makes me happy.  Stephanie is in nursing school and reaching her goals.   Emily is student teaching.  I got over the whole paranoia thing (still a nervous person, but I don't turn on all the lights and check every crevice of the house if I hear a noise at night).  And after gaining waaaay too much weight, at the very end of the year I started to actually lose some of it.  So there.  Good things.  

Now for the fun part.

Things I want to do?  I still don't know the answer to that question, really.  I have some ideas, though.

1.  I want to write more.  I don't mean just on here, but in general.  I mean submitting articles to different sites, bidding for freelance work, actually formulating a plan for my own book.  You get the idea.  

2.  Read more.  I made a reading list last year, but didn't stick to it at all.  I did read more than I usually do, though, so that makes me happy.  This year, I think I am going to make monthly lists instead of one list for the whole year.  

3.  Get back to my healthy weight.  I'm not sure what that exact number is, but it's in the 165-180 range.  I think the bmi chart says I should be more like 145-155, but no.  I think I'd have to basically eat lettuce and run 20 miles a day to maintain 145, and I don't think I'd look that good.  I've been at 165 and felt great, mentally and physically.  The same for anything up to 180.  Since I'm in an idgaf mood right now, I'll go ahead and say that I'm at 235 right now, so I have a ton of work to do.  But a month ago I was 246, so at least it's happening.  

4.  Get a job?  I mean, I definitely want and need a job.  What I'm worried about is what kind of job.  I'm going to be in the south for a year living with family while I get my health together and try to save money.  I've had to suddenly move twice in the last two years, and it's meant losing most of my stuff.  It is emotionally exhausting and I can't handle that again, so I'm just staying here for a year so I can save enough money to move back to New York with enough money to hold myself over if I have any sort of emergency.  I miss my friends and my life, but it's not really an option anymore.  So I haven't decided if I should get a job that can turn into a career or look great on a resume when I move, or if I should just get a job that has nothing to do with what I'd theoretically want for a career but will pay enough.  Decisions, decisions.  

That's pretty much where I am at.  I'd say get into a relationship or something, but I don't know if I want to do that only to move away in a year.  Ugh.  

And to continue the theme of "what every blogger has done" here are my favorite posts of 2014:    

1.  Open Letter to Mindy Kaling

2. Pope Francis

3. Spiders and God-Given Talents: Education Policy in America

4. DIY Map Coasters... for the Lazy Person 

5. Good and Uncomfortable

6. Weekling: W.8, W.9, & W.10

7. The Pragmatism and Privilege Arguments - NY Election 2014

8. Black Lives Matter

9. Being a Burden

10. And for this one, I'll do the most popular post (well, the second most popular, but since the #1 post was only really aimed toward NYers I'm gonna go with this one): Twenty PERFECT Pairs of Baby Girl Names for Twins

Whew.  Time for 2015-specific fun things: 

Saint of the year: Saint Anne.

Since apparently e'erybody does a word for the year:  Persevere.

I could not come up with a word, so I googled that bad boy and landed on a website (my one word or something) and it had an image filled with words.  I closed my eyes and pointed to a word (think Cher choosing where to relocate in Mermaids) and it was "persevere."  So there.  In case you're interested, two of my friends who are doing this chose "growth" and "change."

Necessary image of mentioned movie. 

January book list:

1. Wicked by Gregory Maguire
2. And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie
3. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
4. Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery
5. The Book Thief (I am almost done with this, but stopped reading it for some reason.  Time to finish.)

Annnnnd I think that is it for now.  8:49pm aka 49 minutes past my ideal bed time.

Thanks for hanging around for the world's longest blog post.

This is Olivia, my oldest friend and guaranteed maid of honor unless she becomes an ahole.  She helped with this post.  In theory.

__
Charlotte