I can't believe it's been over a year (well over a year!) since I last wrote a post. For shame! It feels like it's been an eternity... and also like it's been no time at all. Could have been yesterday, as far as my brain can tell. This last year has been hard. Really hard. I'd go so far as to say that the last 18 months or so have been the worst of my adult life. I've not felt the way I do lately since I was in high school, before I got away from home. But! I've taken a few steps over the last two or three weeks and I'm hoping (expecting) things to turn around soon. It'll take a lot of effort, but I'll do it.
My birthday this year upset me, mostly because I couldn't stop muttering to myself, "You're 27 and have no life.." All. Day. Long. Dramatic, negative? Maybe. But also true. And due, at least partially, to my own actions... or inaction, truthfully. A lot of what I've experienced has been entirely out of my control, but sometimes what really defined the situations were my decisions and responses. Not always, but often enough that I believe my life could be different, better, had I been a stronger person who made smarter choices. And also if I had stronger antidepressants. 😂
I had intended to do a "new year" post for 2018, but then January turned into February and then who knows why but February ended, and March was upon us. And I thought March was too late for that post. But last week it occurred to me that birthdays are just as good a time for reflection and resolutions as January is - if not better! So here we are. 27.
More that anything else, I want to resolve to fight more this year. Fight against my own demons, fight against any ailments rather than just sigh and accept every new limitation thrown my way by health issues, fight for my goals. I think I've done an okay job dealing with my circumstances... but only okay. I could and should do better for myself. When my GI met with me and told me the results of my biopsy - that my liver was damaged but that they couldn't figure out why - I did as I always do: made a joke, laughed, and thought "great, I'm never going to get better." Defensive mechanism, passivity. I think there were times when being passive was best, when the alternative would have been to despair. But now that I've been more mindful of my actions, or lack thereof, I want to change strategy, I want to be more active.
Recently I've felt all of my negative emotions keenly. Instead of feeling a general depression or disinterest in life I've felt specifically lonely and sad. I've realized just how bad it has been for me to have no friends. (I have friends but they all live 12-15 hours away... somewhat difficult to see each other.) I've been absurdly lonely, and not only is that bad in itself, but it's caused me to make bad decisions; I've hung out with people I don't like... and who don't like me... just because they're there. I've let people walk on me over and over again because I've convinced myself that if I cut them out, I won't make other friends. Deep down I know that's not true. Which means I have to be smart and not hang around the wrong people. But it's so hard, and sometimes I feel like I can't handle doing anymore hard things.
Beyond that, my plans for the year aren't too specific, because I really need to work on a few general areas. I need to somehow work on confidence (suggestions welcome!). I need to start having actual dreams again. I need to figure out what I'd like to do long-term. I hope to meet a man (contingent, probably, on having confidence and leaving the house 😑). There are some small, specific things I'd like to work on: weight, read more, write more, get outside more, do my hair and makeup. Oh! And there is a big one: money. I need to get better with money management. This will probably be hardest because I have no one to learn from; the adults in my family are not responsible with money, and I grew up poor, so it's not as though I'm surrounded by people who can teach me. I foresee a lot of trips to the library for this.
Which reminds me (library -> books -> this), have started a small (nay, tiny) business, born first from a desire to create bookish things: book marks, framed quotes, literary themed paintings, etc. and grown into a desire to create in general. Refinished furniture, planters, candles, and more. I'm in the final prep stages and should be able to start selling things soon. I'm excited for a few reasons, some extra money for one, and hopefully some relief from depression, too (hobbies help).
I'll be blogging often, both here and on Filthy Casket Book Reviews, so stay posted.
