Catholics and Lion King

This is totally a post that starts as an intro and turns into a thing about my first time at church in seven+ years.  Because I am hella good at organization and stuff.

Alright.  I’ve tried blogging for a while.  I think I’ve had maybe four blogs so far; I had a political blog with some friends, another I literally never even made a post for, and then two more that I wrote on a bit but that didn’t quite feel right. 

Part of my blogging problem is that I’m basically a wimp.  I don’t like the idea of writing and then one of my friends or even someone I don’t know seeing what I wrote and disliking anything.  This is stupid, I know.  I often tell my little brothers and sisters, as well as the kids at work, “be brave” and “don’t worry about what other people think” …. Yet I struggle to write a blog that maybe five people read.  I like to blame it on other people, too.  Like hey, my parents sucked and gave me horrible self-esteem, so it isn’t my fault I can’t write el blog.  Or but, I don’t want to write something that will hurt someone’s feelings.  But I’m trying to get over blaming people and suck it up and just stick to actually writing a blog.  I’ve changed my whole daily routine and regular activities and stuff just to stop myself from getting in a rut.  Part of the plan is to keep this blog going FOREVER.    

That said, I suck at first blog posts.  Like the ones where you must describe yourself and declare your purpose for writing.  A nod to my hatred for such posts, I’m going to list the things people want to know instead of artistically weaving them into a paragraph:

(I admit I got a friend to tell me what qualifies as “things people want to know in a blog introduction.”)   

This is me (although this pic is old, but whatever):

You know how to know that's old?  Other than the completely different hair style and the fact that this is me 60 pounds ago?  That right there is a soda.  Thankfully, it now would be a… “better” beverage.

Name: Charlotte

Age: 22

School: Just graduated from The University at Albany.  My diploma is hung nicely on my wall in my office at work.  Ha, just kidding.  It is sitting in an envelope in my car as I search for work.  Life.

Work: See above?  Although I do work a part time job as a counselor at a before school program.  It’s terrific.  And I do a lot of progressive political stuff. 

Location: New York, baby. 

Religion: Catholic.  This is a new thing.  No, actually, it’s an old thing.  I went to church a few times as a kid.  I’ve been confirmed and all that, but other than a few Ash Wednesdays, I haven’t been to church in maybe seven or eight years.  Until today.  (More on that in a minute.)  I’ve struggled with Catholicism and my own understanding of it for a while.  I’ve been reading more about it via blogs and websites and stuff lately, and I like what I’m seeing (which surprised me).

What kind of stuff will be on the blog: Lots, hopefully.  On my old blogs I’d do occasional book lists and book reviews, and those got a quite a few views.  Twice I wrote posts called “Because They Said So” where I talked about some of the funny things the kids at work would say, and those were popular.  So I want to continue doing those since they’re fun to write and pretty easy.  I plan to write about the whole Catholic thing (I’m assuming I’ll have stuff to write about as I try to re-learn it and experience it).  I also want to write some on political and social things.  But who knows?

Goals: Um.  Well on a larger, humanity-level scale, I’m hoping to see a revolution in the next few years, and I want to be a part of it.  On a personal level, I want to write novels, so we shall see.  I mean I also have hopes as far as like family and a house and a garden go, but that stuff requires two people, yes? 

Favorite color:  I actually highly doubt anyone cares about what color I like, but it’s green. 

Favorite book:  Is it lame for the answer to this to be Harry Potter?

Okay, now since that’s over.  I said I’d get back to the Catholic thing and going to church for the first time in seven years today, so I will. 

A little background, I’ve been thinking about Catholicism a lot, and for several reasons that require a whole separate blog post.  So I’ll try to write that bad boy this week. 

But one thing I need to share because it played a role today is this little piece of paper I keep in my pocket every day.  Every day.  If I wear something that doesn’t have pockets, it’s in my wallet.  It’s a page ripped from a book called Grace for the Moment by Max Lucado (I think it’s Volume 1).  It’s the entry for April 20, and it’s titled “The Fire of Your Heart.”  It has this written on it:

My God, I want to do what you want.

Your teachings are in my heart.

Psalm 40:8

(Hence the title of this blog.)

Under that it reads:

Want to know God’s will for your life?  Then answer this question: What ignites your heart?  Forgotten orphans?  Untouched nations?  The inner city?  The outer limits?

Heed the fire within!

Do you have a passion to sing?  Then sing!  Are you stirred to manage?  Then manage!  Do you ache for the ill?  Then treat them!  Do you hurt for the lost?  Then teach them!

As a young man I felt the call to preach.  Unsure if I was correct in my reading of God’s will for me, I sought the counsel of a minister I admired.  His counsel still rings true.  “Don’t preach,” he said, “unless you have to.”

As I pondered his words I found my answer: “I have to.  If I don’t, the fire will consume me.”

What is the fire that consumes you?

I carry this around for two reasons.  One, as a reminder for myself.  Two, I think it sums up what I (and many of my friends) fight for every day.  You know how sometimes you look at something, or hear something, or think of something, and it literally stirs your soul?  The only way I can think to describe it is similar to when something gives you chills… multiplied by like a million.  I think when someone feels that way (“the fire in your heart”), they should be able to act on it.  “Wait, how does this relate to what you fight for?”  I think what folks are fighting for is essentially a better livelihood for everyone.  When we’re trying to rid the world of poverty or reform education, it’s not just for fun.  It’s because poverty and poor education (among many other social issues) hold people back.  If you feel in your soul that God (or the universe, or whatever you call it) wants you to do something, that you were meant to do something, then nothing should stop you.  I watched an interview where Neil deGrasse Tyson said the universe called him… that he was meant to be a scientist, to study the stars.  He said it brings tears to his eyes.  It is really very difficult to answer any calling when you’re living in poverty and you don’t have access to quality education that will help you “heed the fire,” and when you have to work 80 hours a week to survive.  It is actually very possible to create a society that supports all its people and their dreams. 

(This is where I’d normally go on an anti-capitalist, anti-giant government wed to big corporations telling you how to live rant, but since I said it relates to church, I’ll save that.)

So yesterday I decided I was going to go to this Catholic church that I was told is pretty progressive for a church. 

Fast forward to 6am today, and I am like, “Uh, I can just go next week.”  But then I’m like, Charlotte, no.  You’re going. 

Okay, fine.  But I don’t need to get up and get dressed and leave yet.

Sure.  So I laid in bed for the next hour and a half making myself nervous to go to church.  (Really there is no reason to be nervous about going to church, but I am not always a reasonable person.)  Then 7:30 rolled around, and I was like, oh, I can wait a few minutes.  7:40.  7:45.  Finally at ten to 8, I got up and got dressed.  Since I had a brain fart and forgot to lay out my clothes and then forgot that church is something you probably don’t wear a Captain America t-shirt to, I had to change in my car.  Luckily, I had an appropriate shirt in my car.  I actually love the shirt and was all, “Oh man, I hope I don’t start a sex riot,” when I looked at myself in the rearview.  And then I remembered I was going to church and maybe probably shouldn’t think about things like sex riots.  Possibly. 

But anyway.  So I find some on-street parking and walk to the church.  When I get about 100 feet away, I’m all, “oh no.  Noooooooooooo no.  It’s 8:32.  I’m two minutes late.  I can’t go.”  Excuses galore, my friends.  But remember the little page I have in my pocket?  I was like, “courage, Charlotte!  This desire has been bugging you for a while.”  (Also it is completely embarrassing admitting that I need “courage” for the littlest of things, but whatever.) 

And so I went.  And since one friend felt sick and another had something come up, I was alone.  Which is fine, because I’m really exceptional at being awkward in public, so standing in the back and then finally sitting in the very last row and not participating in any of the singing (maybe I’ll look at the music book next weekend, I said.) or out-loud praying and just playing with my hands came really easy to me.  But, I did pay attention, and aside from feeling a bit awkward, I liked it. 

Now, they changed a lot since I last went.  Like, when the priest said “may peace be with you,” I was all “oh heck yeah!  Familiarity!  I know this!”  And said, “and also with you!”  ….while everyone else said something else.  Damn. 

But let me tell you.  It was a welcoming place.  I remember church as kind of scary and really, really boring.  Since I’m old enough to understand what’s being said, it really wasn’t at all boring.  And maybe those scary, judgmental people I remember were just like that, and it wasn’t the church’s doing.  Or maybe it was but the church has changed.  I don’t know. 

And since you now know I am into politics and social stuff, you can understand why I was super excited to hear that we were praying for Syria (for wisdom for President Obama and for different actors in Syria).  We prayed to “open our own hearts, for courage to open our minds and our country to migrants.”  And that was when I was pretty much sold. 

Now obviously I forgot that we’re asked to give money.  I don’t have a problem with it, but I am hella broke right now and was like, “goodbye, dollar bill.  Do good.”  Weep. 

But then was the cherry on top, so to speak.  A baby was being baptized.  Now I don’t know if it’s normal for this to happen at mass all the time or what, but when I was little, I never witnessed a baptism at mass.  I have been to ceremonies where like 10 babies were baptized.  Where baptism was the purpose.  So it was a pleasant surprise to me.  For starters, aw, baby.  But then on top of that, the whole community welcoming a new little member was almost too much for me to handle.  Almost cried my eyes out.  (I mean in all fairness, it’s something about humans coming together that gets me.  I’ve been to quite a few rallies and marches, and I tear up every time.)  But it was just really beautiful and exciting and precious and meaningful and I was like, huh, wonder if God made me come today because this kid was going to get baptized and He knew it would move me and be symbolic and all that.  I almost broke down when the priest held the little boy up for the whole place to see.  It was actually very much like this:

(Image found at fanpop.  idk)

Not even being sarcastic, that’s what it was like.  And then everyone applauded, genuinely happy to welcome this new little person to their community.  And then I was a big ball of d’awwwwwww. 

And then we did the whole “peace be with you,” with everyone standing around you, and I could see it in their faces and eyes that they were genuinely wishing and praying for everyone to be at peace.  I too, would genuinely be wishing that if I weren’t standing there all dopey-like and flabbergasted by these wonderful people. 

And then I was all, I’m coming back next week, you guys. 

__
Charlotte