What NOT to Say to Someone Who is Depressed

So I usually share these blog posts on Facebook (duh) and most of the views this blog gets are from people coming via Facebook.  After I wrote the post about depression, a few people who I don't really talk to much sent me messages saying that they're glad someone finally gets it.  Because really, most people don't understand what it's like.  That's not a bad thing - the fewer people who go through it the better.  But it does help to get a sense of what someone feels when they're depressed that way you know how to support them.  

There are a lot of things that are commonly said to depressed people that don't do much good.  The people obviously mean well, but since it's hard to relate, sometimes the advice does more harm than good.  Or it just does nothing.  If you're reading this and you see something you've said listed, chill.  I'm not mad at you and chances are no one else is, either.  We've all said some of the things on this list, myself included.  And I'm fully aware that the things on this list are almost always said out of caring/love/etc.  But (at least for me), the depressed mind isn't always the most rational mind, and it's good to see why these may not be the best things to say. 

1. Toughen up.  

Fairly certain that this is always said by people who like the tough-love stuff.  Which is fine.  And you can say this to me if I'm in the middle of a little crisis, and I'll know you're right.  But if you say this to me while I'm at my worst, I usually just get pissed off.  Because honestly, if someone has chronic depression, the fact that they're alive means they're tough.  If they get up, they're tough.  If you haven't experienced that paralyzing feeling, you can't understand just how difficult it is for a chronically depressed person to do anything.  As far as I'm concerned, if you're depressed and you're making a conscious decision to not hurt yourself, you're the toughest motherfucker around.  You go, Glenn Coco. 

Unfortunately, if you're depressed (and especially if you already have self esteem issues), "toughen up" translates into, "You're weak."  Is that rational?  Probably not.  But I know for me, if I'm really struggling and someone tells me to toughen up, they're telling me that I'm weak.  And if I think I'm being weak I just get angrier at myself and if I'm angry at myself I'm less inclined to do anything to help myself.  

2. At least you're not dying/It could be worse, you could have a real sickness, like cancer. 

Yes, people actually say stuff like this.  My immediate (internal) reaction is typically "fuck you."  

There's a lot wrong with this bit of advice.  First of all, depression IS real.  Just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it isn't real.  An absurd amount of people suffer and die from depression everyday.  

Second, it's like doing a little guilt-thing.  So now on top of being depressed and pissed at you for this bit of advice, I now feel bad for complaining about it because there's a kid dying from cancer somewhere.  I'm not sure, but I think when people say this, they're trying to tap into the "the glass is half full" spirit.  I think.  Not sure.  Because yes, it could be worse.  There's pretty much no condition, mental or physical, that a living human being can have that can't be worse.  Every situation for every single person can always be worse.  How does pointing that out help?  Knowing that a ton of other people are suffering in some way or another - and knowing that there's always the possibility of this being worse - does not make me suddenly happy. 

3. Get over it.

Okay so this one isn't always said out of love.  Sometimes this is just mean spirited OR it's just coming from someone who needs a little help in the field of empathy.  If I could just get over this, I would.  In a heart beat.  That's what I pray for.  But that's not realistic.  If depression was something you could just get over, people wouldn't be killing themselves because of it.  If it's an ordinary day and I wasn't depressed but I was just in some sort of funk, I could probably snap out of that.  If I'm angry because someone talked behind my back, you can (after letting me vent for a few minutes) tell me to get over it and you'd be absolutely right.  But depression is an underlying thing.  It's always there, regardless of your temporary mood.    

Also, what is it that you want me to get over?  I don't even know what makes me depressed, and I imagine that's the case for a solid chunk of depressed people.  Sure, I know some of the contributing factors.  But I don't know which one (if there is just one) that is the absolute worst cause of this.  (Also, there are chemicals involved, but again, people can't SEE the problem, so it's not real.)  And again, now I'm mad at myself for not being able to get over whatever it is that I should get over, if there is indeed something to get over. 

4. Stop being lazy.

Arggggggg.  No.  Am I lazy sometimes?  Hell yeah.  Probably more than the next person.  Lord knows how many times I went and bought new underwear to avoid doing laundry in college.  

However, depression isn't the same as being lazy.  This is especially hard for me because I know I can be lazy and I know the vast majority of my family members are lazy, so I tend to get paranoid and think that I'm not even depressed, I'm just lazy.  I have to remind myself, or one of my friends remind me, of the things that make it pretty clear that I'm not actually just a lazy person.  

If you tell someone who is depressed that they're probably just being lazy, you're probably doing more harm than good because in that moment, the person is just going to become mad at you and then start doubting themselves because what if that person is right?  What if I am just lazy?  And if a person starts thinking like that, not only do they get pissed at themselves and feel more pathetic than before, but now their sickness is disqualified, which can mean a lack of treatment.  Not good. 

5. Just do it. 

Okay, Nike.  This is generally said by that person who sincerely wants to help.  They may have read that exercise is really good for depressed people or that being outside is good for depressed people or that meeting someone new is good for depressed people - they're not wrong.  Those things are true.  

The problem is that we cannot "just do" anything.  There is no way to explain this and it is (understandably) the hardest part for any non-depressed person to swallow.  It has to be super frustrating to try to help your depressed friend and only ever get "no" as an answer.  The only thing you can do, really, in this situation is to try your hardest to understand that your friend is essentially paralyzed.  When it's that bad, there's very little that can get a person out.  Obligations, money, job opportunities, chance to meet a famous person, church - none of it matters.  For me, this isn't an all the time thing.  This is when I'm at my worst, but occasionally a little (teeny tiny) spurt of energy hits and I can do something.  There's no telling when, though, and there's no guarantee that it'll last.  And it's completely beyond control.  So telling someone to "just do it" often adds to frustration.  I already know I'm not doing anything.  I'm already bothered by the fact that I'm not doing anything.  I don't need a reminder that it's clear to everyone else, too. 

6. Are you okay?

So this isn't really wrong to ask, but it's hard to answer.  When I'm asked if I'm okay, I'm likely going to say yes because, hey, at least I'm breathing and walking and stuff.  Depression is broad and complex and honestly if I were to attempt to fully answer that question, we might be talking for hours.  

"Well, I'm not dead so that's good, and I'm glad I'm alive, so that's good so I'm okay as far as that goes.  But I don't really see any chance of anything better so maybe then I'm not okay.  But then again I got dressed today so maybe I am.  But I'm on the verge of a meltdown because I'm two minutes away from not paying any of my bills, so that part's not okay.  But I read a little today, so I'm functioning, so that's okay.  And I'm only in a little bit of physical pain, so that's okay, I guess."  It's hard and exhausting and confusing. 

7. I know how you feel. 

Unless you've been chronically depressed, you don't know how I feel.  That's okay, I don't want you to know and I don't expect you to know.  I kind of just want and expect you to be there when I need you to be.  I'm sure a broken heart after a bad break up really, really, really sucks.  I mean, a broken heart for any reason really sucks.  But please don't try to comfort me by telling me that you know how I feel because you broke up with your boy/girlfriend.  If you've been depressed, you probably know, at least to an extent, how I'm feeling.  But if you haven't you don't.  Again, that's fine.  Good, even.  But often, when someone says they know how I feel because they've had some sort of struggle, I feel some type of negative emotion.  Don't try to equate your feelings to mine.  We're all different and this is mental and emotional stuff so no two people feel the same way, especially when one of those people is depressed.  

(This doesn't mean don't tell us about your struggles.  I mean choose wisely, obviously, the time to tell us, but you don't have to keep your problems from us.  We still have the responsibilities that come with friendship.  Just don't say we're the same.) 

But then what should you say?

1. Instead of saying, "toughen up," try acknowledging how much strength the person has already displayed just by making it through the day.  If you're doing this to me, I'm going to roll my eyes and talk down to myself and respond to you with, "it doesn't take strength to get up and get dressed in the morning.  Everyone should do that."  But when I'm being rational I know better, I know that it's difficult to do anything.  And I feel better after someone tells me I'm strong than I do when someone tells me I need to toughen up. 

2. Instead of saying, "you're not dying/at least it's not cancer," acknowledge that depression is real.  Furthermore, acknowledge that a lot of depressed people struggle with the idea of being alive because it's so difficult.  They do feel like they're dying, very slowly.  

3. Instead of suggesting that the person "get over it," see if they're in the mood to really talk about what it is that's causing pain in the first place.  They might not know.  They might never know.  But I've had friends who have sat and tried to analyze things that are making me feel crappy (that sounds annoying, but the analyzing was done in a non-annoying way, swear it).  And that is better than telling me to get over it.  Trying to figure out some of the reasons for the way I feel is better than thinking "I should just get over it" because that's never going to happen.  Also, it validates the way a depressed person is feeling when their friends can hear what some of the struggles are. 

4. Instead of saying, "stop being lazy," understand that depression is paralyzing.  Tell your friend that even though you haven't been through it, you understand that being depressed is taking away their motivation and will power and desire to do anything.  Don't put your life on hold, of course, but take a day to just sit with your friend and do nothing.  And offer to listen to them, if they're willing to talk. 

5. Instead of saying, "just do it," make a specific suggestion.  You read that getting into an old hobby if good for a depressed person?  Don't tell that person to "just go do something."  Tell them that you think you know something that can cheer them up (not something that can "heal" them - save that for meds and professionals).  Make a plan to come over with some paint and canvasses.  Tell them exactly what to look forward to.  And, barring a true emergency, never ever never ever never ever ever ever cancel those plans.  Chances are, if that person agreed to the plan, s/he has mustered every single ounce of energy on making sure everything is ready.  Getting clothes on, making the bed, vacuuming the living room.  If you cancel, not only was that energy wasted, but the person is probably going to internalize that as "I'm not really that important to my friend" or something along those lines.  Not ideal for someone who is depressed. 

6. Instead of asking if someone is okay, be specific.  Ask how the doctor went.  Ask what's going through their mind at that moment.  Ask if they watched that documentary last night.  If you actually do want the whole conversation about whether or not that person is okay, great, but make time for that.  And be really willing to listen.  

7. Unless you've been depressed, instead of saying "I know how you feel," consider saying (and meaning) "I don't know how you feel, but I can hang out with you if you want.  Offer to help in whatever way the person needs you to.  And really, you need to accept the fact that you definitely don't understand what depression is like.  But, you can empathize and more importantly, you can believe what the person tells you about how they're feeling.  That's hard to do when someone is telling you they "can't get out of bed."  But you need to try.  

I've been on both ends of the "friendship with someone who is depressed" thing, and it sucks.  Being a good friend to a depressed person is fucking work.  But you should also know that depressed people stop talking to a lot of friends, and if they're still making an effort to talk to you, you're very important to them.  And they'll be there in an instant if you ever need it.  And they'll probably be good in the empathy department.  

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Charlotte

Depression - "Is it really that bad?"

*I'm assuming depression varies from person to person, so don't take what I write to be the conclusive definition of depression.

I got a message from one of my friends the other day.  She had read the post about losing weight and wanted to know if depression was "really that bad."  (In that post I mentioned that there were times that getting up and dressed for the day was miraculous.)  She didn't mean it in a bad way, she just wanted to understand more about depression.  So here goes.  

(I know some of my close friends read this.  Just so you know, some of the descriptions in this post are really, really bad.  I wanted to convey what depression is like at its worst.  I am not at this point right now, so don't freak out and show up at my house or something.  Well, you're welcome to come over, but not for that reason.  Unless you come bringing pie, in which case my door is always open, whatever your reason for coming may be.)

1. It's paralyzing. 

For me, this is the absolute worst part of being depressed.  As in, I could be laying in bed thinking, "okay, gonna get up now."  And an hour would pass without me actually getting up.  And then two hours.  

On a better day, I could write a to-do list (just writing the list is productive).  But, I wouldn't get any of it done, regardless of how important some of the tasks were.  If you're depressed, it doesn't matter how important something is or how good it could be for you - it doesn't get done.  

Basic functions are a daily challenge.  (Most of the time, a challenge that isn't beat.)

2. No motivation. 

So the paralyzing problem was mostly referring to things that I wanted to do or knew I needed to do or felt inclined to do.  But another problem with being depressed is that sometimes there is no motivation at all.  During school, there were a few times an internship would pop up that I thought would be cool.  Hard to describe/differentiate from the paralyzing thing, but basically I'd like the idea of being a person with that cool internship, but I didn't actually want it and wasn't motivated to apply for it. And the lack of motivation meant lack of goals and lack of doing anything, so it became a vicious cycle; if you don't have goals and you don't have any accomplishments to speak of, you become even less inclined to do anything.  And in turn you have an even worse opinion of yourself. 

3. It physically sucks. 

For starters, it seems to lead to (or at least worsen) chronic health conditions.  And joint pains.  And headaches.  Ugh.  

But depression also means staying in shape is unlikely.  Because of the things mentioned above, exercise stops.  I went from active and in relatively good shape to sedentary and incredibly out of shape in about two months.  That's all it took.  

Physical activity is supposed to be good for people who are depressed.  But since doing anything is hard for people who are depressed, physical activity doesn't usually happen.  And so the cycle goes. 

4. A constant need for instant gratification. 

Constantly being in a bad mood means anything that promises "happiness" sounds like a good idea.  

"I'm going to buy a bunch of new clothes.  If I dress nice I'll be happy." Down $100.

"Having a jam-packed bookshelf will make me happy."  Down $50. 

"Learning a new instrument will make me happy.  Keyboard it is!"  Down $150. 

Etc.  

And on top of the money issues, it meant spending time doing stupid things instead of doing things that produce actual happiness.  ...like skipping school for three days to read The Hunger Games trilogy.  Did I enjoy myself?  Yes.  Did I end up barely graduating with a 2.4 gpa?  Yes.

5. Food. 

So for me the food problem always happened in one of three ways: 

Not eating because of the paralyzing thing, which means being hungry to the point of dizziness and pain.  

Not eating because of a lack of appetite.  This wasn't accompanied by pain because I didn't actually feel hungry, but not eating for a day or even days at a time isn't healthy. 

Eating everything.  All the time.  Especially fast food because it involved no work (See #1 and #2).

6. Everything is bad. 

When I'm at my worst, I interpret everything as bad.  My lack of doing anything, even though I'm well aware of the fact that I'm depressed, turns into "I'm lazy."  If the littlest thing goes wrong, that means that nothing else is even worth doing.  If someone doesn't talk to me or respond to me it means they hate me.  Get it?  Also, it becomes easy to doubt everyone and everything.    

There are a lot of other things I can say about depression, but those are the big things I can think of.  And it really sucks.  People assume that depression is something you can just "get over." It's not.  And it's exhausting.  And if you know someone who is depressed, you should try to be understanding. 

I was planning on including a little "things not to say to depressed people," but I think I'll do that tomorrow instead.  11pm is late.  

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Charlotte

College.

My friend and I went to campus the other day and talked about how much we loved it and how funny it was to see the new freshmen all starry-eyed and hopeful.  LOL, that will go away.  Get ready for gray hair in a few years.  (No but really, we loved going to our school.)  The stop made me think about school and I was going to write out some memories but then I decided I didn't feel like writing all that much.  So pictures!  Here are a few pictures that I like and/or crack me up.  Enjoy!

Our first - and only - Fountain Day.  Fountain Day was cancelled the next year after drunkards went and destroyed an entire neighborhood after the fun.  

Rukiya! 

So much head room. 

HA.  We went to see Pres. Obama (we still liked him then..) in Boston.  It was cold, as displayed by Stephanie. 

Keysla's birthday, and we took the Charlie's Angels thing very seriously. 

I believe this was someone's birthday.  We're glowing. 

Coffee machine next to clothes.  Something I don't miss. 

Visiting my friend in DC. 

This was a party. 

As was this, but Keysla was not into putting a fake mustache on her face, apparently. 

We shook hands with Bill Clinton.  (Not a good hand shaker AT ALL.)

Sometimes we did exciting (read: painful and exhausting) things. 

Going to Occupy.  I only regularly talk to one of these people anymore. 

I once accidentally cracked my friend's head open.  (Sorry, Joe!)

Cooler than seeing Obama - Getting to go inside the NANO building.  

We were real fancy (also during the Obama thing).  

Public speaking makes me uncomfortable. 

If I remember correctly, Steph had me do this several times to get the picture right.

Christmas senior year.

Andrea!  (We had a homemade bowling night.)

21. 

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Charlotte

Weekling: W.11

For previous posts in this series, go here: Weeklings

Happenings

So this week sucked and I don't really feel like going into it.  And because I'm real cool, I had to end the bad week with a nice weekend of being sick and bedridden.  This post is mostly going to be pictures and gifs because lazy.  And tired.  

My arm pain (from the lady hitting my nerve when she took blood.  oops.) has returned which means I'll need to get this test that involves sticking three needles into my arm sending a shock through it to see the reaction.  Joy.  

Is that your reaction to the though of needles and shocks, too? 

In a moment of weakness, I ate McDonalds.  And felt like this after: 

Thankful for

The people in my life who are smarter than me.  Because almost everything I do without getting advice first usually ends up like this:

Books I'm reading now

Not much to say on this other than I started reading Journal of a Soul, Pope John XXIII's autobiography and it is so good.  Various reactions to it thus far: 

To-do

........get a job & a life. 

Random 

I'm in the middle of trying to decide if I am going to live in NC for a year or not.  Mostly I don't want to, but it might end up being what I have to do.  -_- 

There have been several instances this week where people - many of them my friends - have suggested that poor people are the problem with this country and/or poor people need to be more responsible.  I wrote a leeetle bit about it yesterday.  But it still just makes me so mad.  

Links Worth Looking At

What Happens When Pieces of Street Art Cleverly Interact with Nature - The Meta Picture

I wish we had some of this where I live. 

An End to the Perpetual Welfare Trap? - Winnipeg Free Press This article is old and I've seen this idea discussed elsewhere, but I think guaranteeing everyone an income is something we should try.  

Which Comes First, the Chicken or the Vagina? - Helen and Margaret  Wherein a little old lady talks about birth control and the debate about children coming to the US illegally. 

It's a Good Tip for Writers Either Way - The Bloggess A sassy/helpful tip for those of us who want to write... and live in a world where other people exist.  

13 of Your Favorite Books if Their Titles Were Honest - Buzzfeed Fun/ny.  I particularly liked #4. 

Guess Which Two Words Can Make Your Education Reforms a Hot Potato - Grist Climate change is a myth!  But really, I love the intersectionality involved whenever we talk about the environment - people don't always think about the social repercussions. 

I Waited a While to Make Sure that this was the Best Nelson Mandela Tribute - Upworthy Watch a little girl make jaws drop and tears fall. 

For The (Non) Endo Girls : What Does Endometriosis Pain Feel Like? - Yellow Paper Dress This may not interest everyone, but I'm pretty tired of people rolling their eyes if I say I literally cannot get out of bed because of pain.  Look at those descriptions.  It's not just a little pain we're talking about. 

THRIFT STORE TRANSFORMATION...DIY DISTRESSED CANDLESTICKS - Anderson and Grant This looks like fun! 

How To Talk To Babies About Marxist Theory - the Toast Oh my.  "Baby: Nurses.  Parent: Okay this is a great illustration of profit and exploitation."  Snark. 

Everyone tips cap as show of RE2PECT for retiring Jeter in 90-second Nike spot - The Buzzer JETER JETER JETER.

Learning How to Pray to the Saints—In Five Easy Steps - Catholic Exchange Helpful if this is something you need help with. 

Bonus (I think this is probably the best bonus ever.)

Enjoy :) 

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Charlotte

Should poor people have kids?

Should poor people have kids?

(or, what started as a question about restricting family size for poor people but ended as a rant against an economic system that doesn't value human life at all)

Should poor people have kids?

To me, the answer seems obvious: Yes, if they’d like to be parents. 

But there are a slew of people who don’t think poor people should have kids.  Or that they should only be allowed to have one child.  (It worked so well in China.)

Let me backtrack real quick.  Yesterday this article was floating around a bit on Facebook.  One of my friends posted it and naturally, a discussion started.  And a few people felt pretty strongly that poor people needed to be more responsible when it comes to child-bearing.

A few “solutions” to this “problem” were suggested, but I’m also including things I’ve heard on TV or read elsewhere.

1. Job requirements:  Poor people need to be working if they want to get government aid.

2. Job and life training:  The government should provide job training for poor people, along with lifestyle training, such as hygiene related stuff.

3. Maximum time: Poor people should only be allowed to receive assistance for a certain amount of months yearly.

4. Limits and cut-offs:  If a child is conceived while a family is on assistance, they are no longer eligible for assistance OR that child will not get assistance (so they will still receive the same amount of assistance regardless of the fact that there’s another family member now).

5. Home visits: Check to see that the family is maintaining certain standards.  

Okay.  So, those are the main ideas I’ve heard from people in that conversation and in the national conversation. 

As someone who grew up poor, my initial reaction is something along the lines of: Kiss my ass.

For starters, people should be allowed to have kids.  As many as they want.  That’s an intensely personal choice between parents and families, NOT the government. 

Second, and this is kind of critical: poor people are poor because our economy is structured to KEEP people where they are.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.  We’re the richest country in the world and have the resources to make sure everyone has a decent living.  It’s not as though poor people are refusing well-paying jobs left and right.  They aren’t offered jobs with decent wages because hi, capitalism, let’s keep making the rich richer.  9 times out of 10, poverty isn't a choice, so it's really unfair to tell someone they can't have a family because they were born into shitty circumstances.   

But to address each of those proposed solutions without rambling too much:

1. Job requirements.  This is kind of funny to me, because anyone who is poor, knows the poor, or attempts to understand the poor is aware of the fact that there are no good jobs for us to get.  The minimum wage is $7.25 (just over $2 if you’re in a position where you get tipped) which is absolutely not a living wage. In New York, for example, the living wage for one adult is $11.50/an hour.  And that’s a low number.  The (laughable) federal poverty level is under $12,000.  Working for one year on minimum wage will give you a little over $15,000.  I don’t know one person who has bills and living expenses that add up to less than $15,000. 

My point is that even if a poor person is offered a full time job at minimum wage, it’s not enough to support a family.  If I had to take care of kids and I needed to choose between a minimum wage job and government housing and food stamps, I’d go with the latter.  Because the former cannot keep kids fed. 

(It’s worth mentioning that people usually aren’t offered full time work, because employers have to pay less in benefits for part time workers.)

If you want to require that anyone needing assistance has a job, fine.  But only when there ARE jobs.  What’s a way to do that?  Well, instead of giving enormous tax cuts to the wealthiest people and agreeing to expensive contracts, the government could tax the ultra-rich at a fair rate which could fund public work programs.  But hey, that’s just me.

2. Job training.  See above. 

People suggest lifestyle training because they think poor people are dirty, unhealthy, and don’t dress properly.  That’s often true – because they’re poor.  It’s nearly impossible to eat healthy food while poor.  What’s more, poor people work long hours, which means when you get home, you want to make a dinner that is quick and easy.  If folks were given fair work hours and more money, those issues would disappear.  As for the clothes, I get really angry when people criticize the clothes that poor people wear.  “They don’t fit properly.”  “They’re dirty.”  “They’re inappropriate, the men don’t even keep their pants pulled up.”  One, people can’t afford new clothes that fit perfectly or don’t have any stains on them.  Two, there are tons of studies on the image of men in poverty.  Go read them.  Looking like a gangster is a way of survival. 

Almost inevitably, someone will respond with, “Well, they should still have dignity.  They don’t have to act poor.”  To which I say:

Until you’ve lived in poverty and felt the crippling depression it leads to, your argument has no validity to me.

3. Maximum time.  Yeah, sorry, but this is America, land of the free if you’re wealthy and caged if you’re not.  Poverty here isn’t a short-term thing.  It’s a cycle and it’s manufactured and it doesn’t go away.  The vast majority of people who are born into poverty die in poverty.  Taking away food and housing for three months a year isn’t going to help that.

4. Limits and cut-offs.  First, it’s just morally wrong to let a person starve.  To withhold aid for any babies born while a family is receiving assistance is reprehensible.  And once again, it ignores the fact that poverty is something that doesn’t go away for most people.  If this were a socialist country where poverty didn’t exist and aid was only there for emergencies like sickness or loss of a job, some of these ideas might make some sense.  But it’s not.  People aren’t on assistance until they get back on their feet.  They’re on assistance forever, because there is zero social mobility.

5. Home visits.  No. 

It kills me when people blame everything on poor people.  When they throw around things like, “they’re having babies on the backs of taxpayers.”  (Also, from here on out I’m not calling them ‘taxpayers,’ I’m calling them the middle class.  Because poor people pay taxes too.  Not to mention they die due to things like unsafe working conditions or preventable chronic health issues while people with money get to go to the doctor.)

The middle class pisses me off sometimes.  The “expense” of taking care of poor people is miniscule when compared to the expense of taking care of rich people.  Their tax rates are horrendously low, they’re got tax loopholes galore, and the companies they own get contracts with the government all the time.  You know how expensive the wars are – and it’s the wealthy that are making money off of it (while those hand-out-taking losers bury their “spawn”).  It costs a ton of money to keep the rich happy. 

Honestly, it’s about time that the middle class opens their eyes.  You’re in the same boat as the working class, you’re just in better seats.  And if the rich for one second thought they’d benefit from it, they’d sink the entire boat in an instant without giving thought to your precious American dreams.  What makes me mad is the resistance of the middle class to any sort of understanding, nonetheless to solidarity.  I hear middle class people complain about things all the time – can’t afford college, house going into foreclosure, can’t afford more than two kids.  Well, guess what.  That is because the rich are obsessed with getting richer.  As things have gotten harder for the middle class, poor people haven’t benefitted.  The rich have, though.  The gap is widening.  The 84 richest people in the world own half of the world’s money, and you want to blame the poor people for your decline?  Or for your taxes going up?  If it was really the poor people stealing from you or causing your pain, they would have increased their wealth or at the very least maintained it.  But that’s not the case.  The poor are getting poorer, just like the middle class.  They’re going without water and food and shelter. 

If a poor person wants five kids, it is NO ONE else’s business.  For you to think that those babies are what’s costing this country so much money you’d have to flatly ignore all the statistics about the wealth in this country.  It’s going to the rich, not the poor.  And more than one person has made the argument to me that they can’t afford to have more babies, and they’re not on assistance!  So how come poor people should get to have babies that the government supports?! 

Hi.  The very fact that you can’t afford to have as many children as you want is proof that you’re actually very much with the lower class.  You don’t see rich people preventing pregnancies because of economic restraints. 

There’s nothing random about it:

First, the lower class can at least afford to eat and the middle class can own homes and cars.  The rich are wealthy.

Then, the rich want more.  So the lower class can’t afford to eat without assistance.  The middle class can still afford a home and a car, but they can’t afford to put quite as much money away for their kids’ college funds.  They’re getting nervous.  The rich are wealthier than before. 

Next, the rich are like, “hey, there’s still some money we’ve yet to grab.”  And now the lower class can afford nothing, the middle class can eat and pay most bills but their kids need to take out higher loans for school.  And they can’t have big houses anymore, only small ones.  Which means less kids.  Feeding them is too expensive.  And they become so scared and outraged (rightfully so), that they start looking for someone to blame.  The rich people have now amassed so much wealth that it’s super easy to consolidate news sources and convince the people who consume that news – the middle class – that poor people are the problem. 

And the sad part is that the middle class believes it.  So now they’re demanding and lobbying for restrictions on the lives of the poor – restrictions on family size – because they think it’ll keep them financially safe.  They don’t want to pay a bunch of taxes to support “unnecessary” children (there's no such thing as an unnecessary human being, by the way).  So now we’ve got a society where poor people are not allowed to have as many kids as they want.  The kicker is that the middle class is allowed to have as many kids as they want, but they can’t.  They can’t because they’ve wrongly identified the poor as the enemy and done what they can to keep them down, all while it was the rich who were manipulating the system and getting richer.  So now their goal of economic freedom is even harder to achieve, they still don’t have freedom of choice when it comes to growing a family, and they’ve burnt the lower class.  So now they’re kind of screwed.  (The poor are screwed too, but we’re also used to fighting.)  Luckily, there’s still hope.  Because, as statistics of the widening gap and shrinking middle class shows, the middle class is going to realize that they have much more in common with the poor.  And at that point, we’ll join together to fight the system that’s put all of us down. 

Moral of the story – there’s no justification for an economic system that doesn’t value human life.  An economic systems that exploits people, disposes of people, and takes away the option for people to bring more life into the world is an economic system that needs to be smashed. 

More eloquently put: 

 The impossible hamster (and economic growth)

*People tend to say things like, “I know a person who grew up poor and made it out.  They have a house and a family now.”  There are exceptions, of course.  But pointing them out does no good.  Focusing on the lucky few just helps us ignore the fact that the majority of people are restricted and/or oppressed.  

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Charlotte

Good and Uncomfortable

A year and a half ago I was a senior in college, which meant I spent most of my time on Pinterest when I should have been doing assignments.  

Anyway.  One day as I was procrastinating perusing Pinterest, I saw a link to a post called Why You Can't Read Twilight: A Letter to My Daughter from Carrots for Michaelmas.  If you're my friend and you're reading this, which you are because my friends are the only people who read this, you know I love me some Twilight-trashing.  Especially when it's rooted in good reasoning.  

After reading (and loving! and nodding in agreement!) the post, I did as one does and read all the "popular posts" that were featured on the page.  (I feel like that sounds creepy, but I now have a blog, albeit small, and I love when people find my old posts by clicking on the links on my sidebar.  It happens a lot.  So maybe it's not creepy.)  There were other book-related posts, and I enjoyed them because I work with kids and I'm always looking for ways to make them love learning.  But there was also this post: My Unplanned Pregnancy, or Why We Stopped Using Birth Control - For Good.  

To be honest, when I read it, I rolled my eyes a little.  I thought it was beautiful, but my pessimistic side was flaring up, all, "Yeah okay but really, if people don't want kids they shouldn't have any."  And I still believe that to be true, because being resented by parents kinda sucks, but the author of that post DID want kids, she and her husband had just wanted some more time before becoming parents.  So I probably shouldn't have reacted with an eye roll.  But I digress.  

After reading the most popular posts, I decided I liked the blog.  Who wouldn't like a blog that talks about Harry Potter so frequently?  I started reading it regularly, though I didn't subscribe to it because technology isn't usually my thing and I didn't know how to.  (Born in the wrong era.)  

Harry Potter related things aside, there are A LOT of posts about family and Catholicism on the blog.  At first I was somewhat reluctant to read those kind of posts, because I had been telling myself that family was overrated, God was basically an absentee parent, and all I needed to get through life was myself.  (Okay, fine, still often fall into parts of that mentality.  Work in progress.)  But over time, the posts started to change my mind.  And sometimes other bloggers were featured, which led me to blogs like House Unseen. Life Unscripted., Clan Donaldson, Camp Patton, and most recently, Daniel Bearman: Acts of Idiot Praise, not to mention websites like Catholic Exchange.  

I think I'm radically different now.  A year ago, I swore I'd have kids when I was, like, 40.  Because I'd be well established and I could send them to boarding school or something.  But that was only IF I had kids.  

I'm the oldest of eight kids.  I was born first, when my mom was 21 or 22.  My biological father wasn't in the picture.  My mom met my stepdad (I call him "dad," - this post will get confusing.) and when I was five, my first brother was born.  One of my earliest memories is from the hospital, when I was in a small waiting area as my family visited my brother, who was born three months early.  I had a plastic bag with Donald Duck's face on it, so I naturally put it over my head to pretend I was Donald Duck.  Because duh, what else would you do with that?  Anyway, a doctor or nurse yelled at me and then took the bag.  That's all I remember.  Nothing about the brother.  

Two years after that, my second brother came.  And then there was a period of no new babies.  

I guess I should preface this next part with a little information.  My family isn't a typical family.  I don't mean that in a quirky way.  I mean it in an "I understand that things like poverty, abuse, drug use, alcoholism, etc are cycles that are hard to break out of, but that doesn't quite justify certain actions, either" way.  

My uncle had a wife and two daughters.  They were around 7 and 2.  He went to jail (I don't remember what it was for that time).  His daughters spent some time directly after that alone.  They were hardly taken care of.  And one day, my aunt just dropped them off.  She didn't want them anymore.  So we then had five kids in the house.  

The sixth baby came a couple of years after that.  A girl.  Precious.  Then we moved, and baby seven was born.  Another boy.  When he was a few months old, my dad moved out.  He was always in and out anyway, so it wasn't a huge difference.  Sometimes he'd be gone for days, other times months.  Once he disappeared for around two years.  Occasionally it was because he was in jail, sometimes it was because he was doing more drugs than usual, other times he just preferred to be with his friends, who were equally irresponsible.  I don't remember ever being upset that my dad left so often.  At least not consciously.  I remember worrying that we'd find him dead.  But I was never sad that he wasn't around.  But the last time he left, it was for good.  

My mom found out that her high school friend lived nearby.  His family had moved after his dad died, and they didn't stay in touch.  Before my dad left left, this friend picked my mom up and they went out for a date.  When my dad left, he moved in.  And the eighth baby, a girl, was born nine months later.  And then my mom married my stepdad.  

Confusing?  Yeah, sorry.  

So there were eight of us.  I love all of my siblings.  I don't like all of them anymore - the oldest two are turning out to be really poor decision-makers, to put it lightly - but I love them.  I'd be lying, though, if I said I didn't spend a solid 18 years resenting the hell out of them.  Don't get me wrong, there were good times.  The babies first learning to crawl, making my youngest brother laugh that not-related-to-gas-but-actually-entertained laugh for the first time when he was a few months old, teaching them to swim.  But over all, it sucked.  And it took me a while to differentiate between THEM and the situation.  I don't blame them anymore.  

I remember dying to go outside as a kid, but having to stay inside to take care of the kids instead. Or cooking dinner instead of going to the movies during junior high.  Not being allowed to joke around.  Stressing - like, hardcore stressing that no eight year old should have to experience - about things like food, money (though obviously there was nothing I could do about it), and heat.  I stayed home from school sometimes, if one of the kids were sick and my mom didn't feel like dealing with it.  She, nor any of the other adults in the family, can't acknowledge this at all.  To them, things were not bad.  And I think I understand it now.  I think that they have all always lived in despair and know nothing else.  I'm not justifying things, but I can try to understand it.  

So as I got older and my friends and I started talking about future husbands and future babies and future houses, I was always on the fence.  After all, my mom and my dad had both told me AND others several times that "being the oldest of eight is really good birth control.  We'll never have to worry about her getting pregnant young!"  (I told you, not normal.  A four year old raising children isn't okay.)  For a while there, they were right.   

On the one hand, I was pissed and I hated kids, or at least kids that I knew I'd be responsible for all the time.  I loved kids that weren't mine, but hated the idea of having any.  I figured I had no childhood because I had to take care of kids, so I wasn't about to lose out on having a good life as an adult by having kids.  

On the other hand, and this is the one that still creeps up sometimes, I was terrified that I'd turn out like them.  It's no secret that kids born into poverty tend to stay there.  That kids who are abused are more likely to become parents who abuse their kids.  That kids of drug addicts become drug addicts themselves.  I didn't want to have kids and then not love them or take care of them.  Or call them names.  You know that saying, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree?"  I hate that saying, and the fear that it would be my reality totally consumed me for a long time.   And I told myself I'd be bad at it anyway.  My two brothers are teenagers (like, late teens) and are sooo not doing good things.  I blamed myself for it and wondered what I did to make them "turn out like that."  

I also maybe possibly have small, teeny tiny attachment and abandonment issues.  Like to the point where I'd think that someone "didn't love me anymore" if they cancelled plans or went too long without talking to me or what have you.  So to avoid dealing with that, I decided I'd just never get attached to people.  Preemptive tactic, George W style.   (I've had a few instances of weakness and failure in sticking to this wonderful plan, so I have some friends.  ugh. ;)  So, like, if you refuse to love people you kind of can't get married and have kids.  So.  There was also that.  

I also just held a sort of prejudice against big families.  I suppose I didn't realize that some families are intentionally large.  I also didn't realize that the way my family functioned wasn't the way all families function.  

And it's really hard to genuinely want kids when you know you were basically a huge burden. 

In come those blogs.  It sounds funny, I know, to say that a few blogs totally changed me and my entire perspective on essentially everything.  But it's true.  

The people behind these blogs have families.  They have struggles, but they don't leave each other when they're struggling.  Instead of seeing their kids as accidents or burdens, they see them as gifts, which comforts me.  It makes me think that if I have kids, I'm not going to, you know, hate them.  In fact, the people behind these blogs seem to LIKE their kids.  This is probably nothing monumental to most people, but when I first started reading them, that idea was crazy to me.  

I've read posts on these blogs that, though they admit that marriage and parenthood are hard, depict family and life in general as so so Good.  

I think I'm a better but slightly more insane person since reading these blogs.  I say more insane because reading about all this Good lead to trying to convince myself it was real and could be real for me, too.  Which meant I had to do uncomfortable things like... have feelings.  Ew.  I've had to admit to myself that I probably cannot deal with everything thrown at me by myself.  And that relationships are a thing I need to cultivate.  I'm not running around searching for a romantic relationship, but I've been trying to be a better person in all of my relationships, because if I can't do friendship I probably can't do romance.  So I've tried to open up and talk about things with my friends.  I've always been a good listener, but talking about those aforementioned pests called feelings was not my forte.  Still isn't always, but I'm working on it.  I've tried to be a little more vulnerable.  Ask for help more often.  (When I had surgery, I had to actually let my friend help me get dressed.  That would have never happened if 1. I wasn't trying to be better at asking for help and 2. I wasn't heavily drugged.)  

Don't get me wrong, I have a long ass way to go.  I don't share things as much or as often as I should.  I don't ask for help when I should, so I end up becoming incredibly overwhelmed.  I don't tell the people I love that I love them very often.  Or sometimes ever.  And when I do, it literally makes me feel sick.  But I'm getting there. 

I had also mentioned above that I was a little pissed at God for a while.  The way that these people on these blogs proclaim their faith has made me reevaluate my own faith - in a good way.  I won't lie and say I'm totally feelin' God's grace at every moment or that I never doubt or that when bad things happen - which they very often do - I don't question God.  And I would be lying if I said I feel the Holy Spirit, because I generally don't.  This might be because I don't let myself, I don't know.  And a long time ago I turned myself into someone who trusts no one and depends on no one.  I don't think that was a bad thing, I think it was necessary.  But probably I should continue to try changing that.  But the people on these blogs talk about God like an old friend.  They trust in Him no matter what.  That part is still hard for me, but I have started to see things in a different light.  Tried to look for good in everyone, since God has made everyone.  Started praying again (though I really suck at praying).  Started going to church again.  I do crazy things like cry at birth videos (though I never cry out of my own sadness.  Because issues).  It's made me more open to life, whether that means having kids or actually, truly living life.  

The blogs have made me more aware of the ways God and family are intertwined.  They've helped me to see family as a GOOD thing, not a horrible thing.  There are a few people in my life who have also helped me learn to trust and love and all that good stuff, but really, the testaments of God and of Good on these blogs have had a tremendous impact.  They've made me somewhat crazy because I now constantly question myself.  But I think crazy can be good sometimes.  I now think things like, hey, having a bunch of kids would be fun!  Not worrying about making a billion dollars is fine!   

I appreciate it and I think my friends appreciate the fact that I'm a little more human now.  

It's all very good and uncomfortable.   

__
Charlotte