Depression - "Is it really that bad?"

*I'm assuming depression varies from person to person, so don't take what I write to be the conclusive definition of depression.

I got a message from one of my friends the other day.  She had read the post about losing weight and wanted to know if depression was "really that bad."  (In that post I mentioned that there were times that getting up and dressed for the day was miraculous.)  She didn't mean it in a bad way, she just wanted to understand more about depression.  So here goes.  

(I know some of my close friends read this.  Just so you know, some of the descriptions in this post are really, really bad.  I wanted to convey what depression is like at its worst.  I am not at this point right now, so don't freak out and show up at my house or something.  Well, you're welcome to come over, but not for that reason.  Unless you come bringing pie, in which case my door is always open, whatever your reason for coming may be.)

1. It's paralyzing. 

For me, this is the absolute worst part of being depressed.  As in, I could be laying in bed thinking, "okay, gonna get up now."  And an hour would pass without me actually getting up.  And then two hours.  

On a better day, I could write a to-do list (just writing the list is productive).  But, I wouldn't get any of it done, regardless of how important some of the tasks were.  If you're depressed, it doesn't matter how important something is or how good it could be for you - it doesn't get done.  

Basic functions are a daily challenge.  (Most of the time, a challenge that isn't beat.)

2. No motivation. 

So the paralyzing problem was mostly referring to things that I wanted to do or knew I needed to do or felt inclined to do.  But another problem with being depressed is that sometimes there is no motivation at all.  During school, there were a few times an internship would pop up that I thought would be cool.  Hard to describe/differentiate from the paralyzing thing, but basically I'd like the idea of being a person with that cool internship, but I didn't actually want it and wasn't motivated to apply for it. And the lack of motivation meant lack of goals and lack of doing anything, so it became a vicious cycle; if you don't have goals and you don't have any accomplishments to speak of, you become even less inclined to do anything.  And in turn you have an even worse opinion of yourself. 

3. It physically sucks. 

For starters, it seems to lead to (or at least worsen) chronic health conditions.  And joint pains.  And headaches.  Ugh.  

But depression also means staying in shape is unlikely.  Because of the things mentioned above, exercise stops.  I went from active and in relatively good shape to sedentary and incredibly out of shape in about two months.  That's all it took.  

Physical activity is supposed to be good for people who are depressed.  But since doing anything is hard for people who are depressed, physical activity doesn't usually happen.  And so the cycle goes. 

4. A constant need for instant gratification. 

Constantly being in a bad mood means anything that promises "happiness" sounds like a good idea.  

"I'm going to buy a bunch of new clothes.  If I dress nice I'll be happy." Down $100.

"Having a jam-packed bookshelf will make me happy."  Down $50. 

"Learning a new instrument will make me happy.  Keyboard it is!"  Down $150. 

Etc.  

And on top of the money issues, it meant spending time doing stupid things instead of doing things that produce actual happiness.  ...like skipping school for three days to read The Hunger Games trilogy.  Did I enjoy myself?  Yes.  Did I end up barely graduating with a 2.4 gpa?  Yes.

5. Food. 

So for me the food problem always happened in one of three ways: 

Not eating because of the paralyzing thing, which means being hungry to the point of dizziness and pain.  

Not eating because of a lack of appetite.  This wasn't accompanied by pain because I didn't actually feel hungry, but not eating for a day or even days at a time isn't healthy. 

Eating everything.  All the time.  Especially fast food because it involved no work (See #1 and #2).

6. Everything is bad. 

When I'm at my worst, I interpret everything as bad.  My lack of doing anything, even though I'm well aware of the fact that I'm depressed, turns into "I'm lazy."  If the littlest thing goes wrong, that means that nothing else is even worth doing.  If someone doesn't talk to me or respond to me it means they hate me.  Get it?  Also, it becomes easy to doubt everyone and everything.    

There are a lot of other things I can say about depression, but those are the big things I can think of.  And it really sucks.  People assume that depression is something you can just "get over." It's not.  And it's exhausting.  And if you know someone who is depressed, you should try to be understanding. 

I was planning on including a little "things not to say to depressed people," but I think I'll do that tomorrow instead.  11pm is late.  

__
Charlotte